Time to come back… Intro 2.0

When I was 21 years old, I had an unplanned pregnancy. At first I had no idea what to do, get an abortion, raise the baby myself, or adoption, all options that were presented to me. Although, I am pro-choice I was not at a point where I felt comfortable doing this. The weeks after finding out I was carrying a baby boy, who I already knew would be perfect and beautiful, were spent trying to decide what to do. Along with trying to decide what to do, I had to figure out how I was going to keep this a secret. I told my immediate family and my three best friends. That’s it. I was bar tending at a deck bar back home that summer, college wasn’t going to pay for itself. I ended up having to tell my boss because I had to give a reason to why I couldn’t life kegs, who guess what… was looking to adopt. Otherwise no one else knew, at least not to my knowledge. My friends, also colleagues, would ask me to go out after work, and I just had to make an excuse. Which to be honest, saying no to a night out was new to me. I also told my team lead, who happened to be one of my really great friends. She kept my secret and helped me out at work, I’ll always remember that. 

I wore a extra large uniform shirt and used my apron to cover up part of my growing belly. I hid it while I tried to figure out what todo and honestly I was to ashamed and afraid for it to be public knowledge. 
I realized quick I had to put my own feelings and wants on the back burner and think about this tiny human who would be arriving in a few months. I remember going to Target after an ultrasound one day and going straight to the baby aisle. I found the most soft blanket and I had to get it. In that moment I thought, “You know what, I can do this. I can make my life about another human. I can drop out of school, move home and figure it out.” I came home, showed my mom and she was not as thrilled as I was with this decision. See, my mom already raised five children and had my oldest sister at 19. To her this was as if I was saying “I am going to have this baby and you are going to raise him”. That was not my intention, but we all know how relationships with our moms can be. It ended in tears, for both of us. Hearing your mom say you wouldn’t make a good mother.. Well it hurts to say the least. But I now get where she was coming from. I am not angry anymore, I understand wanting what is best for your child. She knew. She knew I wasn’t ready and that she wasn’t ready. 

In the days to come I started heavily researching adoption. I received packets from agencies, spent countless hours looking at profiles and starting to talk to couples looking to adopt. My life was work and find a great family. One day, after searching and searching an ad popped up on the side of Google. It was an adoption ad, a woman’s aoption book. I clicked it, mostly thinking it was probably another ad for an agency that wants me to sign a closed adoption, which I was not going to do. To my surprise it was everything I had been looking for. EVERYTHING. She was a single mom, which some people questioned me on. But I knew reading her adoption book that she was everything I ever wanted myself to be like. I sent an email introducing myself right away, which Jesse kicked like crazy that whole email. I’ll never forget that. Within minutes I had a response, and within a few emails we were texting, then on the phone, then Skyping. I felt a connection with her unlike any of the other families. I flew out to LA to meet her, and the rest.. Well that’s saved for the book!! 

Open adoption is an amazing journey . A journey of trying to find myself after adoption and how we made our adoption work for us. I want to help birthmothers, birth families, adoptive families, and everyone else. I have a strong desire and need to share my life with you, and I cannot wait to see what unfolds. 

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Home.

I always let time get the best of me.. I get too busy or I think what I have to say doesn’t matter. I feel that no matter what I say or do no one will truly see the real me or the real feelings. I feel that way more then ever today. I can’t get across my feelings without feeling so upset, that I push away the people who matter most. I have to stop myself and wonder am I so upset because what they are saying is true or because they don’t know the real me…

It is a constant battle every time. It doesn’t matter what the battle is about, but it’s always there. It has been for years. When I look at myself I see a successful woman trying to make the best of the time I have here. I see myself as someone not afraid to take risks or stand up for what I believe in. I am starting to think that being that way is not okay.. I am starting to think that being this way alienates me and puts me on the battle field with ones who are close. I don’t know how to be myself around the people who have known me my whole life. I feel like I don’t belong and I don’t know why. Is it me? Am I the issue?

How do I become a person that they can be proud of? What do I need to do? I am not perfect, far from it. I make mistakes all the time, but I try to learn from them and be better. What if I am not being better? What if I am just going in a circle of decisions that really don’t better me.

I thought moving to California would solve everything. I thought it would bring me peace to be close to my son and in a new environment. I thought this was where I belonged. I am starting to see that all I am doing is running. I am running from myself and my past. I am learning that being in California does not really mean I am close to my son. It means I am a 4 hour drive, that I can’t make. I knew that coming out here, but I think in my mind I thought it would be bring me peace to be closer. All it has done is create frustration that I am so close, yet so far away. I can’t just jump in my car and see him, and I knew that before I moved out here. But that doesn’t make it an easier.

At the end of the day it all steams back from the day I made the decision to go the route I did, adoption. That day my fate was set. I fear I will spend the rest of my life chasing a feeling or a place that doesn’t exists. I see people everyday having major life moments, having babies, getting engaged, buying homes and I feel lost. I feel like those things are not attainable for me. I feel as if I gave up the right to want those things and to let those things happen. I think I run because in my mind I have too. I am supposed to be out living my life, and I am, but at what costs. How do I stop chasing a place and a feeling that doesn’t exist and never will. I will never be the person I was before that day, and I am okay with that. How do I find the peace of mind in finding home, because right now I don’t know where that is or how to find it…

 

 

 

 

 

 

West Coast Ready

There was never a doubt in my mind that I would end up closer to my son, after he was born at least. I remember back when I was searching for his forever family and I wanted them to be as far away as possible. I wanted an open adoption but I didn’t think I could bear being so close to him. As my belly grew bigger and the movements became stronger, my feelings towards this idea started to change. There was one problem, I had already feel in love with a family and they were across the country. I knew this woman had to be his mom. I couldn’t change that and I did not want too. So, my mind was made up, I would find a way back to him.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. You gave up that right, and I know that, whole heartily I know. It’s not about crossing a line and showing up every day, or every weekend. That’s not what I long for. Would I love that? Of course. Is that fair to his mom? No. I would never want to cross a boundary. I put myself in her shoes all the time and think “if I were her how would I feel about this”. What I really long for is closeness. I long for knowing that if we agree on a visit I can jump in my car and go. If I long for a memory, I can jump in my car and go back to some of the places that I hold memories with him. It is one thing to have them in your mind, the memories are always in my mind, but to be there and smell the air and take myself back.. There are no words to describe that longing I have. 

My life journey brought me to the East Coast last October, even further away. It was something I needed to do for my growth and to really discover who I am and who I want to be. I would never take back my choice to come to Virginia, as my life has been changed for the better because of it. My family out here has inspired me to be the best version of myself, to help others, to work hard and never give up. I can’t put enough value on the way they have changed my outlooks. My Aunt B puts everyone first, is always doing anything she can for her children and works her a$$ off to provide for them. She is one of the toughest women I know. My Uncle T.. There aren’t great enough words to describe him. Always the voice of truth, even when I didn’t want to hear it!! They welcomed me into their family and changed me for the better.  I have made friends and met a great man, who have been so supportive. This time would not have made sense without them. 

BUT all chapters must transition into the next chapter, and of course the people involved in this chapter will carry to the next. 

My transition begins in three weeks. Three weeks and I will be moving to San Jose, CA. I can barley believe it’s true. California has always been a dream of mine, from when I was little but especially after Jesse was born. I am so thankful to have received an offer from my company, memoryBlue, a few months back and now the oppurunity to be apart of the opening crew in their new location in CA. There are no words to describe my gratitude. I have always been under the belief that everything happens for a reason and we are exactly where we are supposed to be. I couldn’t feel more strongly about that today. This phrase does not happen without hard work, dedication and sometimes sacrifice but I believe with a combination of the three, we accomplish our true place in the universe. A little faith never hurt either. 

What does this mean for my open adoption? Honestly, it does not change much. Kim and I have previously spoke about the difference if I moved closer. We have a very open agreement as it is, something I am very thankful for. I’ll still be able to visit between 2-3 times every year. It is my hope that over the years it will evolve to more, given if Jesse wants to see me more and Kim is comfortable with it. For now, it means that when this visits come up, I can do it. I don’t have to worry about outrageous flights, uber rides and so on. It means a five hour drive. There were times this year when money was so tight, soooo tight, it meant sacrificing a trip. I don’t ever want to do that again, I can’t. I can’t let time pass and not be there. It is heart breaking. I already miss so much, and the thought of going so long again without seeing him.. I can’t even bare. 

This move may not change my arrangement but it changes my feelings. It provides comfort for me to be closer. It means I am living out my dreams, following my heart and being the woman my son will be proud of. It means I have the strength and ambition I had always known I had but forgot for a little bit along the way. 

What else magnificent does this move mean? I get to go on this journey with my best friend, my soul sister and my puzzle piece, Brittney. There is no one in the world I would rather experience this with. We’ve always told each other we were going to move mountains and change the world and now we get to do that together! 

You never know what tomorrow is going to bring. There is never certainty in anything. This is why I always take chances. I always follow my heart. When my mind is set, I don’t compromise it. I do whatever I can to achieve that. 

I made a promise to my son in the last few moments I had alone with him after he was born and before I headed to the airport back home. With uncontrollably tears and a gaze into his eyes I did not think could ever be broken, I promised him I would be back. I promised him I would love him unconditionally and always be his mother. I promised I would do everything I could to make sure he knew me and knew where he came from. I promised I would be strong. I promised him I would never take advantage of my ability to graduate college on track and create a life where I could some day provide for his possible birth-siblings. I promised to always love him and to always make that known to him. I also promised I would never come in between his relationship and bond with his mom, Kim. I promised I would always respect her and always love and cherish her. I promised him he would be number 1 and my biggest source of strength and pride. I will do everything in my power to keep every single promise I made him. There is no greater bond then the love of a mother and her child, a bond I will never put second and will never compromise. 

I couldn’t be more excited or proud to start this next chapter with strength, dignity and uncontrollable dedication. 

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone thru to achieve that beauty…

It seems as if I let time pass again. Time away from my blog. I have thought about it every day. I have thought every day that I should share this moment, share this thought, share this feeling with you, but I did not. I did not let you in. I did not share my happiness, my depression, my successes, my anything. But here I am, again, back to write the words I cannot say, and the feelings I do not show.
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Life is a constant revolving door, and wouldn’t you know, those scare the hell out of me. I do not know if they have always scared me, but I know they scare me now. I have come encounter with them a lot recently, and every time I hold my breath, close my eyes and push as fast as I can, just waiting for it to be over. I don’t know if this actually means something, or if it is just BS I am making up in my head, but in my head it is everything. To me it is my life, a revolving door that never stops. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, I am simply saying it can be scary. I find myself wondering sometimes “is the bad part over?”.

There are good days, GREAT days, bad days, and terrible days. Those days I can deal with, it’s the days where I feel like I am stuck in the in-between and I feel nothing. I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel happy. I feel numb. I feel numb to it all. It’s as if I finally stepped out of the revolving door and it isn’t what I thought it would be. I pause. I take a pause with life, with my emotions and with my actions. It’s moments like this that I am having tonight where I step out of the revolving door that I thought was so scary, because it was never ending, and I am stuck feeling numb. Sometimes I like those moments best. The moments where I forget that my life is my life and I can be normal for just a moment. Some people spend their whole lives trying to find those moments, and some people can’t stand those moments. I am somewhere in between. I do not want to live a life without my son, whether he is with me or not. Life is better with him, that I am sure of. But I can’t help but wonder sometimes what my life would be like had things been different. If I would have never been pregnant, would I still be where I am today? I wonder if my life would be as fulfilled and at the same time as sad. If I would have decided against adoption, where would I be today? I wonder if my son and I would be happy and content. I wonder all the time where we would be living and what we would be doing in that exact moment. I wonder if he would still laugh and smile the way he does. I like to think that he would, because the truth is he is me. He is apart of me. He always will be. I smile and I laugh, no matter what obstacles are in front of me. It is what makes me, me. That is something we will always have together, our constant love for smiling and for bringing happiness upon those around us.

I made the choice to place him for adoption, because in my heart it was the right thing to do. It is the right place for him. I have said it before, but I can’t help but bring it up again. For myself I will always regret my decision. I will always feel broken, like a piece of me is missing. I will always feel as if I drank the “coolaid” in the adoption world. I will always feel that I gave up. Was this the best decision for me? Hell no. I will spend many, many years going through that pain, I am not sure if it ever goes away, I have hope that it does. I have a vision that when my son is older we will have an unbreakable bond, like the one everyone tells me about, and the pain will slowly slip away. It will start to hurt less and less, because I’ll get to speak to him whenever he wants. I have a strong belief that he will want to speak to me too, and laugh with me and take silly pictures with me that I can hold onto during the periods between visitations. Was it the right decision for Jesse? Of course it was. He deserved more then I could offer him right now. He deserved a life of endless opportunities and happiness. I have always said that if love was enough, he would be with me. I may not get to see my son every day, hear his voice, watch him grow, watch him do the many firsts he has been doing, but I will always love him. I will always be apart of him and he will always be apart me. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing can ever change our connection with each other when we are near or far. That is one thing that will never go away or stop revolving.

Pain can be beautiful. It shapes us into the people we become. Pain made me strong, stronger then I ever was before. This experience has made me brave, and caused me to see the world through a different light. I have always been a positive and strong person, but I had never known true, god-awful, pain. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and we always end up where we are supposed to be, even if that somewhere is a scary revolving door…

Letting Go

I don’t even know where to begin. This day has been a day I can’t discribe. My mom flew me home for a week, which I am so thankful for. I am going through some things and I needed my mom, as we all do. There is no one else I wanted to turn too and no one else that could say the things I needed to hear. We have had our ups and downs but there is no other person on this planet I am more grateful for. She has been my rock and at the same time my emotional punching bag. We have said things that hurt each other and things that made each other feel better. The last three years have been hell for her, with cancer and with the adoption. BUT she still stands strong, like a warrior. 

This morning she came into my room with coffee and we just started talking. An open dialogue. It started with her feelings going through cancer and just ran on. We started talking about the adoption, the hospital and all that surrounded it. For the first time since everything I let go of my anger. The anger I took out on her and everyone else, the blame I pushed on everyone else. I was trying to get “my point of view” across and it hit me, I need to stop blaming everyone else. I am angry and I am hurt and I feel guilt, but that comes from within myself, not from others. I spent so much time focusing on what people in my life did or didn’t do because it was easier then facing my own guilt and emotions. I think back to the hospital, being so mad at my mom. When, in reality I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself for not being able to spend the time with my son I needed to spend, because I couldn’t emotionally do it. I felt robbed of those first few days and hours with him. But I wasn’t robbed by anyone else, I robbed myself of that time. My emotions and my fear wouldn’t let me do it. Fear of changing my mind, fear of falling so much more in love with him, I would never let go of him. 

My mom held me and I held her as we cried and cried and cried. They were tears of sadness but tears of relief too. I finally felt the feelings I needed to feel. I finally accepted them. 

I want to move forward. I want to let go. I want to become a whole person again, instead of living half alive. I want that so badly. I’ve realized that it is not always possible on our own. I can’t take on all my own feelings myself. I may need help and there is nothing wrong with that. I want to be a positive person and focus on positive things, focus on being a role model for my son. 

That is what I am going to do. I am going to accept my anger as my own, not anyone else’s. They didn’t cause this, I did. I can no longer pass judgment on anyone but myself. I need to accept my faults and go onward. Nothing is going to make me whole again and I know that. There will always be a piece of me gone, but I still have feelings of gratitude. Gratitude for my mom, my family, my friends, therapists, meditation, new beginnings, Kim, and most of all Jesse. Jesse for showing me that love is powerful, unconditional, and always near. The bond between a mother and child is unbreakable and unimaginable. 
With love and gratitude, 

Hope 

 
I wrote this blog sitting by the lake taking in all of it’s beauty and calmness. ❤️

Trying to find that feeling. 

Life is a roll coaster, plane and simple. It’s a fricken roller coaster. I swear, I think I’ve tackled the obstacle in front of me, and another appears out of no where. I have come to find out that is life, especially in adulthood. It never stops. I think your 20’s are just hard! No other way to say it. You are learning who you are and making “mistakes” at every turn. Can we call them mistakes if they shape us and cause growth? I’m not sure.

When I had my son, and soon after physically  separated with him, I knew that would be the hardest thing I would ever do. I knew that if I could make it out of that experience alive, I could make it through anything. As life throws curve balls my way, I remember a feeling. The feeling I finally felt when I forgave myself and let go of my guilt. It was an accomplishment for me. I felt at peace and that was I feeling no one could give me but myself. I had to find a way to get through my heart ache and rise from the breaking. And I did just that. I got through it and rose.

Now here I am, almost two years later, going though struggle and having to remember that feeling. I feel like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it is there, I know that. I just can’t see it. I am not sure how to find that light. I have found myself in a down place, a place where I am not happy with who I am and how I am living. I feel a feeling of shame. It’s hard to figure out what to do to get out of it. My mom always tells me to look within, really look, and find out what is causing the pain, start at that cause.

For me right now, it is hard to be far from home and even further from my son. Due to funds, time off, flying and hotel stays have not been an option to visit LA. I haven’t seen my son in months.. I feel guilt in that. I feel guilt that I can’t provide the freedom for myself to make that trip. I feel saddened and ashamed of myself. I know that he will understand. I never stop thinking about him and I never stop dreaming about our future time together. When I am having the worst day, I think back to the last time I visited and I hear his laugh and his sounds. That always puts me at ease. It helps me. I hope that my voice and sounds will some day do the same for him.

I do want to get out that things are not all bad. I received an offer to do technology sales, in the tech hub of the country. Which I am happy about. I may be drowning in student loan and college debt, but a raise in income will help with that. Seeing the positives. I know that I will get back up again.. I know that. I know that struggle is making me stronger. I have so much to be thankful for.. So much to be proud of. I need to remember that. I need to find a place of gratitude and calmness, and embrace that in my heart and soul. I bought a few Sark books last week, she’s my fav, and I’m hoping that this next week I can spend time soul searching with those books and sunshine.

Life is beautiful.

I will see the light.

I will see the light.

H

-After getting the news the mass found in my breast looked non-cancerous!🙏🏼🙌🏼

Another note written a few days after Jesse was born..

September 16th
So Kim and I decided today that it would not be a good idea for me to pump out my milk and ship it to Jesse. The more and more we talked about it I agreed. I need to get back to living the life I want to live. I think that my hormones are pushing me to want to do that, a motherly instinct or something like that, but I do not think that emotionally or physically it is a good idea for me. I do need to start living like a 21-year-old woman! I need to be selfish right now. Some would say I already was selfish when I gave up my baby, but I do not see it that way. I once did and I thought I was a horrible person because of it but I do not feel that way now. It took me a while to not feel like that. Honestly, if I would have never meet Kim and gone through the experience we did I would probably still feel like shit about it. She put such a positive attitude on it, and when I would start to feel as if it was such a horrible thing to do she would remind me it was such a gift to give and that does not make me a bad person. Everyone I met in LA said the same thing, people she knew and people she did not. Everyone was so supportive and positive about it, which is how it should be. No one should make a birth mother feel not good enough or like she is not worth respect because of her decision. I am so glad that I was surrounded by people who had nothing but wonderful things to say. Even still when I spoke to Kim on the phone tonight to catch up, she was telling me how all of her friends were asking about me and saying how great I did with Jesse. That made me feel great. 🙂 I really haven’t experienced much of that at home, but then again a lot of people do not even know. My friends who do know have been very supportive, but a lot of my family has not. A lot of them walked out long ago, one of them even said a few weeks ago that I was selling my baby, that is why I wasn’t keeping him. Pretty sad. I am glad I had my mom sister and step-dad (Maury) to get me through it all. Although, things with my mom hit the fan in LA after the birth, she still is the only one who supported me 100% of the time in whatever I wanted to do and kept my secret to herself no matter how hard it was for her to do so. She did not go tell her friends or boss. I will always be so thankful to have my mom through all of this, even if it did get messy at the end. We fought for days and I was about pushed over the edge upon returning home because of her, but I think that this effects everyone different. She had a hard time and I cannot be angry about that. I am angry about things she did, but I am working to let that go. I just wish she would see Kim how I see her, and stop disliking her so much. I do not know what it is going to take but I guess for now I have to let it go and accept that she is entitled to her own opinion.

Also, I talked to tonight for a while on the phone. It was so good to talk to her and catch up. It’s so weird but I miss her so much!! I was so used to living with her and Sadie and our day-to-days and it is such a huge adjustment being home. I am glad that our relationship is still in tact. My attorney, my mom and so many others said once she got the baby and the adoption was done she would be out of my life so quick, but that has not been the case and I am so happy for that. I cannot imagine life without her anymore and I hope I never have too. Also, she sent me more pictures of Jesse, seriously what a cutie. THE CUTEST!

My doctor from LA called to check on me today too. Seriously, what a guy! I had called yesterday to the on call doctor at his office and they called back with advice, but he wanted to call and check on me and said if I needed anything to never hesitate to call. How great is that? He knows I am back in Minnesota and will most likely never see him again but he is still check in on me and lending a helping hand. He is a gem and I am so glad that Kim chose him to be my doctor. He made the pregnancy stuff not so scary for me throughout my time there. He really put me at ease as well as Kim at ease, before the delivery, during and after. I mean how many women can say there doctor came to the hospital three different times to check on you, with a 100% healthy pregnancy and delivery. From what I have heard from other women, not many! I can tell you one thing, if I ever get back to LA and am living there he will be my gyno, that is for sure!

Kim also told me tonight that a couple she is really good friends with who we spent some time with are trying to have a baby now! They were such wonderful people to be around, I think they will make wonderful parents. Mark reminds me a lot of Maury, kind of like a grown up kid! HA But in a good way. I was very excited to hear that, maybe they will hurry it up really quick and have a best friend for Jesse.

Crazy crazy stuff! A lot going on! Hormones are a raging that is for sure. 🙂

A note I wrote on September 15th, a few days after Jesse was born.

September 15th
The first day I have not spoke to Kim since meeting her, June 8th.. That’s a little over 4 months.. It was a very weird feeling. I kind of kept thinking that maybe she would text me, or call. Then, I started thinking why would she. She has a new baby at home and I am probably the last thought on her mind. Not that I believe that because the adoption is finalized that our relationship is over, but I know it is a different relationship now. I am not living with her, taking up her every day. I am home and living my life, or at least trying too. She has no need to contact me constantly, but that does not mean I am adjusted to it yet. It’s such a weird thing to go through. I miss Jesse. I miss Kim. I miss Sadie. I miss the life I was living there. I miss being pregnant.. What is so weird is that the week before I gave birth, I kept thinking and saying I could not wait to not be pregnant and to get my life back and now all I can think is I wish I had one more day, one more day with Kim and Sadie and one more day with Jesse as mine and only mine. I am so confident in the decision I made to give him up for adoption, but I can’t help but want just one more day. I think about him all day every day. I look at pictures of him and cannot get over how beautiful and perfect he is. I think to myself, I made that, I created that. He was inside me and came out of me. Every once in a while, I get so sad that I cry that he is not with me, but I am so quick to remember that I am not ready for this in my life, nor does he deserve to not receive everything he should because I am in no position to provide. I see so many parents resenting their kids because they had them young or weren’t ready for them and I would never want to be that kind of parent. Well, honestly, until Jesse I did not think I wanted kids at all. I had always thought that life path was not for me and I was just going to be the “cool Aunt” but when he came out and I looked at him, I knew that some day when I was ready I wanted that, all of it. I get what people say about how when the baby comes out it is an instant love and bond that can never be broken. I understand how women who chose this route could change their mind. I never had any doubt that this was exactly what I wanted for him, but I get it. It becomes real when the baby is out and is officially a person in your eyes. You can see him, hold him. Some people may know from the beginning how real it is, but I did not. Of course I could feel him inside me and I could see him move in my belly and grow, but I never felt how I do now, until he came out and I saw what I had created. He was real. This was a real person. A person that would grow up and do such extrodanary things. I am already so proud of him. He truly is the best thing I EVER did and always will be. He will always be the most important part of my life and the most important part of me. Every day, my first thought will be him and every night my last thought will be him.

Tired of saying sorry..

Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent my life saying sorry. In the past year or so even more. I say sorry at least 30 times a day.. And why? I could not tell you. I even find myself saying sorry, for saying sorry. I’ve only recently really started to notice it. My boyfriend, Chris, points it out to me every time. I apologize about everything.. Even when it is not necessary. Luckily, he never wants me to say sorry and shows me appreciation for me being me, without the sorry’s!

BUT I can’t help but wonder why. I remember when I was younger always having to apologize because I was made to feel like I was selfish and vein. What 14-year-old girl isn’t obsessed with her outfits and hair being perfect?! Even though I always cared for others. It was taken to another level in my family. Of course I love them so much!!! We just operate differently. Instead of saying positive things about each other, we make fun. At times it’s great, but I sometimes feel as if it makes me feel not enough, or maybe something is wrong with me.

When I have been around my family in recent years, especially my step dad (that poor man, who is really great BTW), I feel so ashamed for what I put them through.. I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t horrible but I feel guilty. I feel like I caused so much stress on them and that I still do. Sometimes I think that’s why I left Minnesota/Iowa. I did not want the burden of feeling like I caused issues in their life or give them the burden of me. It’s always a fight and always an argument. Is it me? All I want to write right now is “I’m sorry”. I catch myself feeling guilty for the pain my family feels and when I am around them, I feel like it’s worse for them. Or sometimes I feel apologetic for being sad when I’m around for holidays or birthdays. Adoption is tough on everyone. I know they support my choice and for the most part they don’t question it. I can’t be mad that they have their own emotional experiences. Some family members disappeared when I chose the adoption route.. One of my siblings and I just recently spoke for one of the first times since I made that choice. It was like I was almost completely alone going through my adoption plan. Now, it’s better. But I felt so guilty and sad and lonely for so long. I remember waking up in LA on multiple days, hoping that someone would call. My sister and mom always did. But the rest of my family and friends, not so much. Some of the conversations with my mom were not pleasant, but like I said, everyone is entitled to their own emotional experience and I was glad to have her in my life through it all. I was, also, lucky to have Kim, her friends and family to make me feel so loved. They welcomed me with open arms, and A LOT OF COOKIES AND CUPCAKES!! 😉 I didn’t feel like I had to say sorry as much to them and that was a nice change.

Whenever I speak about my son and the adoption I say sorry. To my family, friends, whoever. It is almost like I feel that I made a selfish decision, because of what I’ve been told from certain people. I was talking deeply about it tonight with Chris, in tears of frustration on why people in my life could not support my decision to be open about being a birth mother, and for the first time in a while I just spoke freely without sorry’s. How could someone chose to be heart broken every single minute of every single day? Why can’t people see that? Why do I have to say sorry for making the best decision for my son? Why do I have to beg for support? Why do they make me feel like a terrible person? My son deserves more, he deserves the world and every opportunity possible. It felt good to finally say it out loud. I can’t believe I ever apologized to someone for placing my son. It was the best thing I could do for my son. I don’t want to be sorry for doing what was right or for following my heart. I need to be done saying sorry. Sometimes I feel if I say it one more time, I’m going to turn into a sorry.

I’m not perfect, trust me, I know that but I’m tired of apologizing for being me. I just want to be Hope or as Jesse will call me Hopey!

I know that with help from my support system and all of you I can end this. I can stop feeling sorry for all of my actions. If anyone has any advice on how to help with this, I would be so grateful.

Thank you all for your greatness every single day!! I continue to be birth-mom-strong because of Jesse, Kim and all of you!

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Back again..

I feel like I have been away from my blog for years.. All of the emotions are pilled up inside me and I have been holding them in. Because of fear? Because of trying to leave the past in the past? I am not sure. The past few months have been a whirl wind. I moved across the country.. Running away from myself? Maybe. I like to think of it as a fresh start to be who ever I wanted. It does not matter where you are or where you go, it follows you. The pain and sorrow doesn’t ever leave. Although, just as much pain and sorrow I feel so much joy and gratitude. I feel joy for the life I am able to move. I was able to pick up and start again. I packed up my car and left my life behind to start a new one. It felt good. It felt powerful. I also feel gratitude for being able to know. I know my son is okay. I know he is living a great life. I see pictures of him. I hear and see videos of him laughing and walking and talking. I live with him through those moments. I get to live a life of discovery of myself and he gets to become who he was always meant and deserved to be.

There was a moment on my birthday, back in January, where I fell to the ground in tears. I could not hold it together. My friends and boyfriend threw a get together/house warming party for me/us and all I could think about and all I could talk about was not being with my son. I felt so much guilt and so much sorrow. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to see him and hold him and love him. But I couldn’t, so all I could do was cry. Crying so hard I couldn’t breath. I laid in the shower for an hour trying to make it stop, trying to handle it all alone. I just wanted the crying to stop, I wanted to feel better, even just for a moment and I would have been okay. I couldn’t do it. My boyfriend helped me into bed and held me while I cried. I cried in his arms, for what felt like hours. He held me and soothed me. I am glad I finally let love in because for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel like I had to take this on by myself. The father is not in the picture, never has. I have someone in my life who gets me and supports me through it. He doesn’t ask questions, he is just there. I used to think that no one would ever understand me, or get the moments I just needed to cry and be sad for a moment, but he does. It’s a holiday thing. We went through the first instance on Christmas Day. We had to leave my families get together because I just couldn’t do it. I needed a moment to be sad, and I feel okay with that. I don’t deny my feelings anymore. If I want to cry about it, I do. If I want to smile about it, I smile. If I want to talk about it, I talk about it. I let it happen, as it happens. I finally have a support system that lets me and that is beautiful.

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