Monthly Archives: March 2014

Missing the big days for a better life

I never really thought about what it would be like for me to go through my big events by myself.. Without my son. I never thought about how I would feel without him there to share in those moments with me. A big day is coming up.. My graduation from college. I’ve worked my entire life for this day. Part of the reason my son is
where he is was so I could finish school and he wouldn’t have to struggle with me. The day is almost here… As I was writing out invitations I started to realize that he would most likely not be there. His mom and I are very close but they’re in California and I’m a life time away in Minnesota.. Could I ever really expect them to come and how would I ever tell her I needed them there? We have a very open conversation line but I wouldn’t even know where to start with that one. I sent her an invitation anyways and she regretfully declined… And texted me saying how much they loved me and how proud they all are… I am so grateful for all of that but my heart is broken. My son deserved to live a better life then I could provide him with… But this day will not be the same without him. I don’t know how I will be… I don’t know if I will be able to deal. Knowing my family they will bring it up ALL day, saying they wish he was there and blah blah blah. This is just my graduation.. What about my wedding day, if that ever happens? Is this the beginning of heart broken big days? The beginning of no more pure joy moments… I think what I need to remember and tell myself is that he is living a better life. He is living the life he deserves with a woman who will always put him first… Always!! He will never go without. When I think about that.. Even with a little heart break I feel pure joy.

Will he hate me some day?

Every day I try harder and harder to get to the bottom of my issues. Why am I still struggling so much? I know that it will never be easy and there will always be hurt, and I also know I did the right thing. Sometimes I may have to convince myself of that, but for the most part I know I did the right thing. I know that my son is living the life he was supposed to live, a better life then I could give him right now. I have this constant fear that he is going to hate me some day. Every day I try to be the person he can be proud of some day and know that I didn’t place him with his mom for no reason. I set myself up for disappointment and failure. Every day I feel not good enough. I do not feel worthy of him. He is the King of my world, and I don’t want to let him down. I know my son, even at 6 months old I already know he has the kindest heart and deepest soul. I should know he will never feel I am unworthy, but why can’t I get that through my head. Why do I have to put an unattainable amount of pressure on myself every day. What am I trying to prove? I sometimes think that if I do not do everything possible every day, other people will look at me and think “you gave your child up to do this”. I feel like I am going to be judged constantly and looked down upon. For once in my life I care what people think. I used to be a free spirit, living my life how I wanted too and never letting anyone else’s judgment dictate my life. Now, I am hiding the most important piece of me, my son, from the world in fear of being judged!!! I am keeping it a secret from almost everyone. The majority of people don’t even know he exists. How sad is that? How sad is it that I hide the biggest part of my being because I am scared of what people will say! I don’t want to be scared.. I want to be strong. I want to be the person every is my life is expecting me to be. How do I tell them I am not that person anymore? I am not the strong woman who they once knew. The people who know about my son, expect me to be this strong and ambitious woman. The people who don’t know about my son expect the same too. They constantly are asking “what’s wrong with you” or saying “you seem so different” or the most common “where have you been, I never see you” because of the massive amount of alone time and hiding I do. All I want to do is take time to grieve. I can’t do that. I don’t get to do that. I am expected to jump back up on my feet and keep going. When will I ever process all of this, or when will I ever let myself process all of this. When will I stop letting my fear get in the way of my happiness? What’s it going to take for that to happen…

Another laugh…

I find myself laughing to myself all of the time. Just a little chuckle in those in between moments. I used to think it was because I loved to laugh, and now, I know it is my defense mechanism. When ever something gets tough, or I have a thought I can’t bare to bring to the surface, I do a little laugh and get on with my day. Today as I sat across from my therapist, I found myself laughing constantly after I spoke my most inner feelings about my life and how I got to where I am now. I said out loud to her “at least I still have a sense of humor”. It was right after I finished the statement I realized, it wasn’t a sense of humor, it was a wall. It was a wall that I did not want to break down, nor was I going to let anyone else close enough to do so. I don’t wan to face the truth. I don’t want to face the reality of my life. I want to put it in a place where it is untouchable. I want to forget that every day I cry at least once because I miss my son, and forget that he is thousands of miles away with a woman I could only dream of becoming…. So I laugh. I laugh and say “Day in the life of Hope”. Always the same line and always the same laugh. Not the laugh I love and the laugh that fills the room, a laugh filled with sorrow and confusion. 

I miss my son every day. Some days I miss him more and some days I miss him less, but I never stop missing him. He is always in my heart and always on my mind.