I find myself laughing to myself all of the time. Just a little chuckle in those in between moments. I used to think it was because I loved to laugh, and now, I know it is my defense mechanism. When ever something gets tough, or I have a thought I can’t bare to bring to the surface, I do a little laugh and get on with my day. Today as I sat across from my therapist, I found myself laughing constantly after I spoke my most inner feelings about my life and how I got to where I am now. I said out loud to her “at least I still have a sense of humor”. It was right after I finished the statement I realized, it wasn’t a sense of humor, it was a wall. It was a wall that I did not want to break down, nor was I going to let anyone else close enough to do so. I don’t wan to face the truth. I don’t want to face the reality of my life. I want to put it in a place where it is untouchable. I want to forget that every day I cry at least once because I miss my son, and forget that he is thousands of miles away with a woman I could only dream of becoming…. So I laugh. I laugh and say “Day in the life of Hope”. Always the same line and always the same laugh. Not the laugh I love and the laugh that fills the room, a laugh filled with sorrow and confusion.
I miss my son every day. Some days I miss him more and some days I miss him less, but I never stop missing him. He is always in my heart and always on my mind.