Will he hate me some day?

Every day I try harder and harder to get to the bottom of my issues. Why am I still struggling so much? I know that it will never be easy and there will always be hurt, and I also know I did the right thing. Sometimes I may have to convince myself of that, but for the most part I know I did the right thing. I know that my son is living the life he was supposed to live, a better life then I could give him right now. I have this constant fear that he is going to hate me some day. Every day I try to be the person he can be proud of some day and know that I didn’t place him with his mom for no reason. I set myself up for disappointment and failure. Every day I feel not good enough. I do not feel worthy of him. He is the King of my world, and I don’t want to let him down. I know my son, even at 6 months old I already know he has the kindest heart and deepest soul. I should know he will never feel I am unworthy, but why can’t I get that through my head. Why do I have to put an unattainable amount of pressure on myself every day. What am I trying to prove? I sometimes think that if I do not do everything possible every day, other people will look at me and think “you gave your child up to do this”. I feel like I am going to be judged constantly and looked down upon. For once in my life I care what people think. I used to be a free spirit, living my life how I wanted too and never letting anyone else’s judgment dictate my life. Now, I am hiding the most important piece of me, my son, from the world in fear of being judged!!! I am keeping it a secret from almost everyone. The majority of people don’t even know he exists. How sad is that? How sad is it that I hide the biggest part of my being because I am scared of what people will say! I don’t want to be scared.. I want to be strong. I want to be the person every is my life is expecting me to be. How do I tell them I am not that person anymore? I am not the strong woman who they once knew. The people who know about my son, expect me to be this strong and ambitious woman. The people who don’t know about my son expect the same too. They constantly are asking “what’s wrong with you” or saying “you seem so different” or the most common “where have you been, I never see you” because of the massive amount of alone time and hiding I do. All I want to do is take time to grieve. I can’t do that. I don’t get to do that. I am expected to jump back up on my feet and keep going. When will I ever process all of this, or when will I ever let myself process all of this. When will I stop letting my fear get in the way of my happiness? What’s it going to take for that to happen…


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