Missing the big days for a better life

I never really thought about what it would be like for me to go through my big events by myself.. Without my son. I never thought about how I would feel without him there to share in those moments with me. A big day is coming up.. My graduation from college. I’ve worked my entire life for this day. Part of the reason my son is
where he is was so I could finish school and he wouldn’t have to struggle with me. The day is almost here… As I was writing out invitations I started to realize that he would most likely not be there. His mom and I are very close but they’re in California and I’m a life time away in Minnesota.. Could I ever really expect them to come and how would I ever tell her I needed them there? We have a very open conversation line but I wouldn’t even know where to start with that one. I sent her an invitation anyways and she regretfully declined… And texted me saying how much they loved me and how proud they all are… I am so grateful for all of that but my heart is broken. My son deserved to live a better life then I could provide him with… But this day will not be the same without him. I don’t know how I will be… I don’t know if I will be able to deal. Knowing my family they will bring it up ALL day, saying they wish he was there and blah blah blah. This is just my graduation.. What about my wedding day, if that ever happens? Is this the beginning of heart broken big days? The beginning of no more pure joy moments… I think what I need to remember and tell myself is that he is living a better life. He is living the life he deserves with a woman who will always put him first… Always!! He will never go without. When I think about that.. Even with a little heart break I feel pure joy.

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4 thoughts on “Missing the big days for a better life

  1. This breaks my heart bc I fully understand. It’s so sad for us moms. No one ever thinks about that. But it’s weird bc at the same time we are happy for our sons. It’s a bitter sweet emotion but emotions for ourselves always turn up sour bc they are sorrow.
    How recently did you place your son?
    I sit and wonder if I made the worst decision of my life… It’s a life lost. He is lost… My heart aches. 😦

    A big congrats to you for graduating tho!!!!!!! That’s amazing!!!

    1. Thank you so much! It is so great to finally hear from another birth mother, I have not spoken with one yet! When I was going through the process I searched out for blogs and someone to talk to and failed. I am happy with my decision, although it is heartbreaking and hard every single day to get up, I know he is living the life he deserves, a better one then I could give him now. He was born September 9th 2013, not to long ago! People forget about birth mothers and their struggle. I struggle every day and sometimes I wish someone would just say I understand and it will be okay. That is hard to come by, so hearing from you makes me so happy!! We’re not alone!!

      1. Girl I am here for you! I love you and understand the pain completely!! Wow that wasn’t long ago.. I had my son July 7th 2013 but I placed him on November 13,2013. Hardest day of my life and every day since has been a struggle. People are insensitive. They forget that every time we see a baby we think of our son. We think of our child constantly.. It’s so hard. When I get stuck on the hard things I try to focus on Christ.. I’m like ok God what r u teaching me thru this.. Ok God really I have to break down in uncontrollable crying right now 😦 it’s humbling and I’m thankful. I’m thankful for the constant reminder to rely on Him and give him my worries and fear and uncertainty and pain. I’m thankful he is here. He understands fully. I’m thankful to kno the love I have for my son and the countless times I think about him or find myself looking thru crowds in search of my baby (crazy right.. Like I literally look at every face of a child in a stroller ect hoping praying and thinking i will see my son) but I thank God bc I kno the insane amount of times I think about my child.. Well he is thinking about us more. We are Gods children. We did wat he wanted for our children. We can rest. And I am here for you girl. I understand. If you ever need to write me please do! Or call me. Email me!! If u need someone to vent to or anything or share worries.. I’m here! I’m so glad to kno you are there. We r not alone and God brought us together thru this to be able to encourage and support and sympathize with one another! We will get thru this!

  2. Read my “poetry journal” section.. It’s long but in it I had journals from being pregnant and before placing him and post placing him. I express raw real hard feelings and also how God has been comforting me amidst even the hardest of days.. You might find some encouragement there.. Thru what the Holy Spirit has already spoken to me 🙂

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