Life goes on..

It is has been hard for me to celebrate the good times. I find nothing good enough, to justify my decision to place my son for adoption. But that all has changed recently. I finally stopped down grading my accomplishments after his placement. I am doing major things with my life, and I used to go to bed thinking it wasn’t good enough. I do not know why I was feeling this way. I am sure it was partly because what could ever truly justify making that decision? At the end of the day it is not about me, it is about my son. He deserved more then I could give him now, and now he has that. I always said I would never bring a child into this world if I could not provide the life they deserved, but it happened. I do believe I made the right choice. I know I did. Of course I have my days of doubt, but then I look at his smile and his mom’s smile and I feel at ease. I look at what I am doing with my life right now and I feel relief. I am graduating from college in a month, lobbying a bill and furthering myself EVERY day. My name is known in the TC because of the work I am putting in, in trying to create a law at our state Capitol, there are articles written about me daily. I walk into the Capitol and people know who I am, they say hello to me or dodge me because of their illness towards my bill. I have news channels and radio stations on speed dial, and legislators in my phone. At work, I waitress, people come in and know who I am, and even while I am out and about in the TC. They have seen my face, heard my name or read my name.  I sometimes think to myself “is this real?”. I can’t believe a year ago I was struggling so much, didn’t think there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and now here I am making huge moves in my life. How did this happen? I have always been determined but now I have an extra motivation. I think it is because I want to make my son proud. I want him to know that I didn’t place him so I could party, I wanted to further my life and his life. When I wake up I do not think about going out and getting crazy like most college seniors, I think about what I can do to make an impact on others during my day. I think about the legacy I am going to leave behind, everywhere I go! I am enough, and my actions are enough!! I see that now, and feel more proud every day.

 

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