Last night after a few drinks with old friends, I finally admitted out loud how mad I was. There was one person in my life who really spoke out against me choosing adoption. She thought I should keep my son and raise him, even though it was not a path I wanted for myself or for my son. Everyone else simply said “no you can’t do this”. When I told my best friend the first thing she said was “get rid of it, you have goals”. This is what I was working with. I was and am a very intelligent, bright, outgoing and driven woman. I know that I have always said kids were not part of my plan, but come on. I heard these things repeatedly, by my friends and family who knew. At one point I had decided to keep the baby, my family who knew were so angry. They would make comments and say things that killed me. I couldn’t understand it, but then I started to believe it. I started to see that they were “right”. I didn’t want to be a mom and I was in no way shape or form ready for this life. My son deserved better, which everyone loved to remind me. Love wasn’t enough.
I think once you hear something so many times, it becomes true in your head. You start to live that as your reality. I have felt not good enough my whole life and this was just another circumstance where I felt that.
Every day I want my son back. Every single day. There are woman who are in horrible circumstances, they are living poverty, drug abusers, can’t raise the children they have, and many other worse off situations. Here I am an educated woman, and hardworking woman at that. I have always been able to do and achieve what I wanted. I come from a family who had the means to help me. I wouldn’t be where I am now, graduating school, lobbying a bill, and being a carefree 20 something, but I would have the most important piece of me. I know that my son is living a life I could never give him now, but I can’t help but be so mad at myself. Why did I do it? Why did I think I wasn’t enough?
I wish there was a magic word or something that would help me out. I can’t help but think this depression will never end. It isn’t constant, but finally admitting out loud that I am mad felt so good. It felt good to finally be honest. I am angry, and I think I am aloud to feel that way. My son started crawling and I had no idea. I had no idea! He started pulling himself up on things to stand, and I had no idea. He went to the beach, my favorite place to be, and I had no idea. I wasn’t there to share those big moments, and I never will be. Of course, I can try and fly there every chance I get and when Kim will let me. But I will miss it all.
Kim is a great mother, and she deserves the love of a child. I feel honored to be able to give that to her, but what about me? What happens to me? What happens to our relationship if I want to know more? I don’t want to push her because I want to know my son, I don’t want to tell her I am angry. I would never break our bond, not only because I love her deeply, but because she holds the fate of my relationship with my son in her hands.
Where do I go from here? How do I fix myself? How do I quit being angry and start feeling happy all the time again?