Here I am.. Sitting at the airport waiting to board my flight. A flight that was a gift, an amazing gift. The gift came from Kim and her family, my sons mom. I am still sitting here in shock. I can’t believe this is real. I set alarm after alarms this morning, to make sure I would wake up. I moved in to my first “grown up” apartment yesterday, so to say I am exhausted would be a LARGE understatement. I woke up at 7 and my first thought was “why am I up so early?”. It took me a second to register that today was the day. Today’s the day I am going on the trip of a lifetime, a trip most people dream about. I spoke about swimming with dolphins when I was living with Kim before my son was born. It was almost an obsession, and has been most of my life. I am fascinated by them. I also love water. I would rather be in water then anywhere else.
Kim called me about a month ago and told me about the trip. Her family and her wanted to give me something to celebrate my graduation from college. When she called I could not even speak. I didn’t even know what to say. I was just in awe and shock. It was an amazing moment.
I decided to go by myself. I had tossed around the option of someone else coming and it looked unappealing. I would have loved Kim and Jesse to come, but this time that wasn’t an option. Kim has taught me about self love and self worth since the very first day I met her. When she gave me the trip she described it as being a trip to celebrate me and my achievements, a trip where I can feel loved and celebrated. I never really got the time to reflect and rewind on my life. After Jesse was born I moved back home and started an internship and job almost instantly, and since then my life has been non stop. I never got to sit back and relax and really take in life and what had just come about. I didn’t get to celebrate the birth of my son, or mourn the loss of his constant presence. Not even just life revolving around Jesse, but I have been so busy the last year that I am forgetting who I am and the values that I hold. I have been so preoccupied with my busy life that I have no time for myself. That is what this trip is about. Reflecting, relaxing, and releasing any feelings I have inside of me. I do not have to worry about pleasing anyone else but myself. I can do as much as I want or as little as I want. I hold the cards, just as I hold the cards in my life. I am more then excited to spend the week celebrating me and what my life has become. Of course, I know there will be tears. I am prepared for that. I also know there will be smiling.
Well, they just called my zone. So, wish me luck on this week long journey of reflection and relaxation.
So, this week is kind of a big deal in my life and for many reasons. First off, a year ago yesterday I found out I was pregnant on my 5th visit to the doctor in 20 weeks. I ended up getting so sick, almost dead, and went in again. It was unlike anything I could ever describe. I knew something was wrong with me, but I trusted my doctors and they didn’t do the tests, so I didn’t concern myself with it. My mom was also diagnosed with breast cancer the day after I got pregnant and I became one of her primary care takers. I made the two hour drive from school home weekly to help with whatever needed to be done. I was distracted taking care of her and my little brother, I ignored my own health. When I went to the doctor with concerns they thought I was paranoid about my mothers diagnosis. They never did a pregnancy test, even after 4 visits in 20 weeks. I found out I was pregnant on May 7th, at 21 weeks and 3 days. Talk about a walking TV show. You want to know how I found out… I went in so sick, they thought it was my kidneys right away, gave them my urine and blood, but they didn’t test it for pregnancy, instead they gave me an Xray. The Xray tech saw a skeleton on the image. THEN they tested my urine and confirmed I was pregnant. Seriously, that happened. It was unbelievable and shocking to say the least. I had been sexual active twice that whole year and one of the times was a drunken mistake that I didn’t even know the details of. I woke up the next morning after that drunken night, thinking I had been drugged and very fuzzy about the night. BUT none the less, it happened and there as baby boy growing inside of me. That clinic was the worst visit of my life, and not because I found out I was pregnant but for many other reasons that I will share some day soon. Back to the point, this time last year my life changed forever. I didn’t think I was going to make it through it and NOW here I am. My son is across the country, but I am doing everything I set out to do and more. I know that he will be proud of me some day.
Tomorrow I walk across the stage of my University and graduate from college. I am graduated with a double major and a minor. The day is here. The day I have been waiting for, but now can’t believe it came so quick. This time last year I thought I would become another statistic drop out. I didn’t see graduation in my future. Now, here I am. I was invited to the Board of Regents brunch at my school this afternoon to speak about my political lobbying experience this semester. I spoke in front of the people who make all the decisions for my school, and provide most of the funding. They were telling me how proud they were of me for my accomplishments of writing legislation and it being projected to finally pass next week. That is my life. I went from being so lost and depressed and confused and broken, to a well known name in Minnesota and an “inspiration”, as I am told, to my fellow classmates and professors. I couldn’t help but want to tell them about my journey this past year and what I went through with my son. They don’t know, but I want to tell them it is because of him I am doing what I am doing. I have worked so hard and tried to do everything I possibly could because of him. I want him to know that it wasn’t for nothing. I did it to better both of us. Some day I will come out with my story.. some day I will have the courage to do it. Will it be soon? Probably not. But that is okay. For right now I am going to soak in this joy of accomplishing what I thought was going to be unattainable. It is here. The day is here and I thank my son every day for coming into my life.
Wow. I have been so busy these last few weeks. I was reading over my last post, and what a difference some deep breathes and conversations with loved ones can make. I can’t believe how angry I was at my sons mom. She is such an amazing woman and came in just when I needed her. I will never forget when I stumbled across her ad on Google, looked at her “book” and feel in love. She was everything I could ever want in not just a mom but a person. I am thankful for her every single day. I think anger is gong to come with adoption. Anger comes from hurt for me. I am hurt every day that my son is not with me, but at the same time so happy he is living a life he deserves. I remember flying out to LA to meet her after just a week or so of talking through text and once through Skype. I knew instantly we were brought together by fate. I was only there for the weekend and she wanted to show me what life would be like if I lived there, she wanted me to met the important people in her life. We weren’t going to have time to met the man who would be Jesse’s god-father and she was distraught about it. I remember we were driving under a bridge and I looked at her and said “I will just meet him when I come back”. She grabbed my hand and for the first time in a while I felt happy. It was like both of our prayers and dreams were being answered, and we were doing it for each other. The tragedy I was feeling didn’t have to be a tragedy. It could be something beautiful, a partnership for life. People who know ask me all the time why I picked a single mother, and I always tell them if you met her you would understand. She is amazing and I love her, even through the anger.