Love

Sometimes I think that the only love I’ll ever need is the love of my son. I think that will be enough. I have spent the last few years of my life running away from anything that even showed a hint of truth. Even before he come along, I ran. I would use sex to feel fulfilled. That would be the fix I would use for that piece I didn’t want to chase after. Whether it was sex once a year, or a a regular thing, I used that. I remember so vividly the last time I really felt love from a man. Now, it seems like it was a life time ago. I sometimes think that love tainted me. I don’t know why. It was a great love, but a love that had bad strings attached. It was a young love, a love that blinded me from everything else going on around it. He became my life. It became all about him and wanting to be with him. I think that might partly scare me from it. I let it take over my life, and ya know, honestly, I think that it was an okay thing to happen. He changed my world. He made me more happy but at the same time so helpless. I felt I needed him to be happy and that he held that happiness. It was a time in both of our lives where we were young and wild. We made decisions we probably shouldn’t have and that caused us to hurt each other as well. I can remember him going back home for christmas, and right before he left we had sex for the first time and used the “L” word to each other. When he came back from that trip I was all of the sudden deleted off Facebook and I couldn’t understand why. Well, it turns out he had a whole different life going on back home. There was a girl before me, and then I showed up and messed things up, or at least made them confusing. It was heart breaking, but I still held on. I held on to him and thought I could just look past it. I thought maybe if he knew how much it hurt me, he would say sorry and end it. Well, we all know life is never that simple, and they continued to be together for a little bit, eventually it ended, but the worst part was I STAYED. I decided that it didn’t matter to me what life he had back home, because he was here now and I was there now. I wanted to live in the now and I wanted to be with him. He made me smitten in ways I had never felt smitten before. It was a very confusing time. In the end they ended and we stuck. We were together for months after that ordeal. It was some of the best months in my love life yet. He made me happy in all the ways needed. Sexually, we had chemistry like I have not felt since. Emotionally, we connected on such a deep level, that I still have not found someone I connected with that deep. Well, I take that back, kind of, I think, my Hawaii trip brought about a whole new side of me, but that post will come next! He fulfilled me and treated me like a princess when we were together, and I treated him well, not because I had to or he had too but because we both wanted too. We both wanted to make each other happy, and we did. He played hockey in my home town and with that comes a season ending and a man on a plane back home, far away from MN. He was from NY and at the end of the season was headed back there. On the day he left he brought me flowers and asked me to be official with him, to try and make things work long-distance. In my heart I wanted it, I wanted it more then anything in the world. My head on the other hand thought of Christmas when he went home for a week and came back in relationship. I didn’t want to go through that again, and be that woman who stays. So, I said I wanted to see how things went while he was home. This is where the running began, well it started far before this but not as bad. I remember being in Indiana, and then bam, all the sudden I quit answering his calls, texts, Skype calls, EVERYTHING. Out of the blue. It wasn’t like he did something or anything, I just stopped. I still don’t know the exact reason, but I see one thing now, that was the beginning of the end. The end being my love life. It wasn’t even a conscious thing, it just happened, and has continued to happen over the years. I don’t blame that man, I think he is amazing. I still keep in contact with him, randomly, but it’s there. He had a hockey tournament in the twin cities my sophomore year of college and I still remember the feeling I got when I went and picked him up and brought him to my apartment. It was the first time I had seen him in two years, and all of those feelings came back. It felt so good to be with him, I felt whole again for the first time in a long time. We had made plans to hangout the next day and I panicked. It was New Years Eve, and I had planned on staying sober so I could go get him, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t let myself feel that, in that moment I wouldn’t let myself. He must have been feeling the same way, because he changed his mind as well. He “got busy”, just as I “got busy”. How ironic, right. Every time we talk now, we speak about that time, how we both wished we would have seen each other one more time. We both still speak about our paths crossing again, and for some reason I believe they will. I am not sure how, but I think they will. We had a connection so deep and so special, it would be a shame if they didn’t cross again. 

Anyways, that was a long story, I was going to make short, but failed. This was the beginning of my “hard core” running. The running that was caused me to lose friends and lovers. It is a habit I can’t seem to kick. I run before things get to serious, or before I think I may get hurt. I sometimes think that I truly believe that all lovers and friends that come into my life are going to hurt me. I am in constant fear that today will be the end or something bad is going to happen. I wish I could kick that fear. I do not want to end a friendship or relationship because of this anymore. I want to be that person that can be counted on and someone who lets love in, not pushes it away. I am tired of making that one night stand make me feel fulfilled on love for as much time as needed. I am tired of meeting a great guy and never calling him again. I am tired of sticking around with the wrong men because I know I will never like them enough for them to hurt me. Most of all, I am tired of having a great man in my life and running away as quick as I can. I am working on this, and I will keep you all updated on the progress I make and how I get there. I want a great love… Even if it ends in heart break, I want a great love, a BIG LOVE. 

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