Monthly Archives: September 2014

MSP 2 LAX

My son turned 1 last week. 1 year old. Where did the time go? I now understand what people say about time flying so fast when you have children. I swear it was as if he was just born, I closed my eyes and now he is 1. And he is the best 1 year old!

I am sitting in an airport right now headed to his birthday party in LA. My last few visits to LA to see him have been short, one day or a few hours, this time it is a three day trip. Three days with my son. Three days to take in every scent, sound and movement. I am so nervous and so excited. Nervous to see him and his family. I don’t want to be a let down to them. I just had to leave me job because of a horrible situation that occurred and now I am going to see them and I have to tell them I already left my fist “grown up” job. I know they will understand the reasoning for leaving it, but it’s frustrating. I do everything I can, everyday, to make them proud and him proud. My days aren’t about me and they haven’t been for almost two years. I don’t wake up in the morning and say what can I do to fulfill myself today, I say what can I do to fulfill my son and his family today. What can I do to make them proud of the woman they know as Hopey. Ah. It’s time to put a show on and act as if my life is going amazing. And maybe it is, maybe everything going on is the best thing for me.

I do not need to have a pity party. I am done doing that right now. Honestly though, most of the people in my life couldn’t tell you the first or last problem going on in my life. Most of them would tell you that I am always happy and nothing ever gets me down, or nothing major is happening. I put on a front because I do not want anyone to see me vulnerable, because what would happen then? Would I let people in and allow them to see that I do have more then just sunshine and rainbows. Now, it is not to say I act unrealistic or naive. I just do not see why I should put my problems on anyone else and weigh down their life. We all know that people are going through things, and who am I to put my stuff on top of that. I do not cry in front of people. I do not scream in front of people. I do not talk about the deep issues I struggle with every day. The most ironic part about this is that this is an anonymous blog. Very few people know about this blog, maybe two people. I won’t even share this with them. I can’t be seen as weak. I can’t be seen as weak because then what would happen? Almost every friend I have ever had has tried to take advantage of me as it is, can you imagine if I showed this vulnerable side? What would happen? I run from confrontation, most of the time, and my friends and family know that. Friends I have had for years think I do not realize they are doing it. Well, I do. But that is besides the point. It is on my mind right now, but that is not the important thing right now.

I need to focus on that beautiful baby boy, the most beautiful boy. It is his weekend! Although, I have a very strong feeling every weekend and every day is always his. He is a lucky little boy to have the world at his feet and the most amazing family to provide it for him. I am grateful to be part of it, even it is only for a weekend a few times a year. Here is to Jesse and the happiness of this weekend and the rest of all of our days!

“The moment”

Every time I am around my mom she brings up “the moment”. The moment every birth mother goes through after the baby is born when she thinks she might change her mind.. I’ve posted about it before but it is such a frustrating conversation with her. She caused a huge mess at the hospital when my son was born and said it was because of “the moment” she saw. That moment everyone talks about, as she says. It didn’t happen. It wasn’t happening and it didn’t, maybe later on a few times, but it didn’t happen there. All of these problems where our families will never, probably, get over. It is heart breaking. My mom has still not reached out to my sons mom to apologize or to come to an acceptance on the situation. My son will probably never come here for a week in the summer, like we had talked about before. It will never happen. Maybe that was just talk to ease the adoption process along, but I trust Kim and trust in her words that she said. I wonder if it will ever dawn on my mom and my family to apologize to her, me and Jesse. I believe in “the moment”. It is every adoptive parents worst nightmare and it happens all of the time. I get it. Part of me wonders if I felt so much love for Kim I didn’t want to let her down. I didn’t want to take this away from her. I know in my heart it was the right decision, and in the end that is all that matters. The moment is real and my strongest advice to be able to overcome the moment for birth parents and adoptive parents is to picture 1 year down the road and 5 years down the road. What does it look like for everyone? Is it struggle or is it happiness and bliss? That is the answer. You chose this option in the beginning for a reason, remember that. My son spent his first birthday in Maui and I graduated college and started a career. That is why I made the decision I did and I will always stand behind it.