I woke up this morning around 6:00. In this past year I have had a mental alarm clock ring right around that time every day. Some mornings I wake up use the bathroom and go back to bed, others I’m up for the day. This morning felt different. I woke up drank a glass of water went to use the bathroom and just stopped. I stopped in front of the mirror having a weird feeling. I turned my head away and used the bathroom, and then went back in front of the mirror. It felt like I was in a daze that I couldn’t shake myself out of. I was confused looking at my reflection. I started to feel a little sad. Although I was unsure why.. Sometimes I get like this, for no apparent reason at the moment. I later on find out from Kim that something happened with Jesse, most of the time all good things. Call me crazy, but it’s almost as if my body knows. There is a connection unlike any other between mother and child, as I write this with tears racing down my face.
I remember thinking my mom was crazy when she would tell me she called because “she had a feeling” something was wrong or going on. Even to this day when I’m having a hard time or something has gone terribly wrong, she’ll text me out of the blue. She is not the best communicator, but in those moments she knows. A mother knows. Although, this is not a feeling of fear for me in this moment, it is a feeling of being in the unknown. I KNOW my son is being loved and taken care of, I KNOW what he looks like, but what sounds did he make today? What words is he forming today? Is he running around the house yet? In this exact moment is he sound asleep or eating or playing? It’s the unknown. I don’t know. That moment takes over me often. It used to happen all day, regardless of my whereabouts. I would start thinking about it and tear up and become very saddened. Now, it is mostly in the mornings and nights. All day I think about him, because everything reminds me of him but it doesn’t become a daze all of the time anymore. Now, a lot of times when I think of him I laugh. I laugh about the times we shared in my visits or the pictures I have of him from Kim. It isn’t always a bad emotion and honestly I don’t think any of it is “bad” emotion. I think it is natural emotion.
Side bar, as I’m writing this I took a second looked down and realized I am wearing the exact pajama combination I wore when my water broke. I big baggy t-shirt and silky crop baggy bottoms.. The daze. I understand it now. That September 9th, 5:30 am morning was unlike any other and I’ll treasure that warm sensation of labor beginning for ever.
The bonds are strong. I’ll never forget leaving Kim’s home this past visit.. I had been there for four days, not full days, but I think she was ready to get back to life as usual. When my Uber pulled up to take me to the airport I grabbed my stuff and was slowly walking out. I said good-bye a million times, told Jesse I loved him over and over and hugged him over and over again, although I still feel as if I should a have given one more. I am walking out of the door with my back facing the street and facing them at the door and Jesse starts to cry/scream reaching for me as I have to say goodbye. I didn’t even know how to handle that situation, I just looked at him and said I would see him soon and that I loved him. Now, maybe he was crying because that’s what babies do when people leave, but I felt it inside of me. I felt the sadness of saying goodbye, for him and myself. He grew inside of me for 9 full months… The only comfort he knew was me, and I know that he feels that when I am near and even when I am far. We are connected in a way that no one else will ever be connected, and when I start fearing the unknown I remember that. It becomes less fearful. I start just imagining him doing all the things I’m wondering if he is doing. I start thinking about his smile and his active spirt. My mind is at ease. Yes, I do not have the answers to my questions but the most important question is already answered. Did he wake up loved and taken care of? Yes.