Monthly Archives: February 2015

Another note written a few days after Jesse was born..

September 16th
So Kim and I decided today that it would not be a good idea for me to pump out my milk and ship it to Jesse. The more and more we talked about it I agreed. I need to get back to living the life I want to live. I think that my hormones are pushing me to want to do that, a motherly instinct or something like that, but I do not think that emotionally or physically it is a good idea for me. I do need to start living like a 21-year-old woman! I need to be selfish right now. Some would say I already was selfish when I gave up my baby, but I do not see it that way. I once did and I thought I was a horrible person because of it but I do not feel that way now. It took me a while to not feel like that. Honestly, if I would have never meet Kim and gone through the experience we did I would probably still feel like shit about it. She put such a positive attitude on it, and when I would start to feel as if it was such a horrible thing to do she would remind me it was such a gift to give and that does not make me a bad person. Everyone I met in LA said the same thing, people she knew and people she did not. Everyone was so supportive and positive about it, which is how it should be. No one should make a birth mother feel not good enough or like she is not worth respect because of her decision. I am so glad that I was surrounded by people who had nothing but wonderful things to say. Even still when I spoke to Kim on the phone tonight to catch up, she was telling me how all of her friends were asking about me and saying how great I did with Jesse. That made me feel great. 🙂 I really haven’t experienced much of that at home, but then again a lot of people do not even know. My friends who do know have been very supportive, but a lot of my family has not. A lot of them walked out long ago, one of them even said a few weeks ago that I was selling my baby, that is why I wasn’t keeping him. Pretty sad. I am glad I had my mom sister and step-dad (Maury) to get me through it all. Although, things with my mom hit the fan in LA after the birth, she still is the only one who supported me 100% of the time in whatever I wanted to do and kept my secret to herself no matter how hard it was for her to do so. She did not go tell her friends or boss. I will always be so thankful to have my mom through all of this, even if it did get messy at the end. We fought for days and I was about pushed over the edge upon returning home because of her, but I think that this effects everyone different. She had a hard time and I cannot be angry about that. I am angry about things she did, but I am working to let that go. I just wish she would see Kim how I see her, and stop disliking her so much. I do not know what it is going to take but I guess for now I have to let it go and accept that she is entitled to her own opinion.

Also, I talked to tonight for a while on the phone. It was so good to talk to her and catch up. It’s so weird but I miss her so much!! I was so used to living with her and Sadie and our day-to-days and it is such a huge adjustment being home. I am glad that our relationship is still in tact. My attorney, my mom and so many others said once she got the baby and the adoption was done she would be out of my life so quick, but that has not been the case and I am so happy for that. I cannot imagine life without her anymore and I hope I never have too. Also, she sent me more pictures of Jesse, seriously what a cutie. THE CUTEST!

My doctor from LA called to check on me today too. Seriously, what a guy! I had called yesterday to the on call doctor at his office and they called back with advice, but he wanted to call and check on me and said if I needed anything to never hesitate to call. How great is that? He knows I am back in Minnesota and will most likely never see him again but he is still check in on me and lending a helping hand. He is a gem and I am so glad that Kim chose him to be my doctor. He made the pregnancy stuff not so scary for me throughout my time there. He really put me at ease as well as Kim at ease, before the delivery, during and after. I mean how many women can say there doctor came to the hospital three different times to check on you, with a 100% healthy pregnancy and delivery. From what I have heard from other women, not many! I can tell you one thing, if I ever get back to LA and am living there he will be my gyno, that is for sure!

Kim also told me tonight that a couple she is really good friends with who we spent some time with are trying to have a baby now! They were such wonderful people to be around, I think they will make wonderful parents. Mark reminds me a lot of Maury, kind of like a grown up kid! HA But in a good way. I was very excited to hear that, maybe they will hurry it up really quick and have a best friend for Jesse.

Crazy crazy stuff! A lot going on! Hormones are a raging that is for sure. 🙂

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A note I wrote on September 15th, a few days after Jesse was born.

September 15th
The first day I have not spoke to Kim since meeting her, June 8th.. That’s a little over 4 months.. It was a very weird feeling. I kind of kept thinking that maybe she would text me, or call. Then, I started thinking why would she. She has a new baby at home and I am probably the last thought on her mind. Not that I believe that because the adoption is finalized that our relationship is over, but I know it is a different relationship now. I am not living with her, taking up her every day. I am home and living my life, or at least trying too. She has no need to contact me constantly, but that does not mean I am adjusted to it yet. It’s such a weird thing to go through. I miss Jesse. I miss Kim. I miss Sadie. I miss the life I was living there. I miss being pregnant.. What is so weird is that the week before I gave birth, I kept thinking and saying I could not wait to not be pregnant and to get my life back and now all I can think is I wish I had one more day, one more day with Kim and Sadie and one more day with Jesse as mine and only mine. I am so confident in the decision I made to give him up for adoption, but I can’t help but want just one more day. I think about him all day every day. I look at pictures of him and cannot get over how beautiful and perfect he is. I think to myself, I made that, I created that. He was inside me and came out of me. Every once in a while, I get so sad that I cry that he is not with me, but I am so quick to remember that I am not ready for this in my life, nor does he deserve to not receive everything he should because I am in no position to provide. I see so many parents resenting their kids because they had them young or weren’t ready for them and I would never want to be that kind of parent. Well, honestly, until Jesse I did not think I wanted kids at all. I had always thought that life path was not for me and I was just going to be the “cool Aunt” but when he came out and I looked at him, I knew that some day when I was ready I wanted that, all of it. I get what people say about how when the baby comes out it is an instant love and bond that can never be broken. I understand how women who chose this route could change their mind. I never had any doubt that this was exactly what I wanted for him, but I get it. It becomes real when the baby is out and is officially a person in your eyes. You can see him, hold him. Some people may know from the beginning how real it is, but I did not. Of course I could feel him inside me and I could see him move in my belly and grow, but I never felt how I do now, until he came out and I saw what I had created. He was real. This was a real person. A person that would grow up and do such extrodanary things. I am already so proud of him. He truly is the best thing I EVER did and always will be. He will always be the most important part of my life and the most important part of me. Every day, my first thought will be him and every night my last thought will be him.

Tired of saying sorry..

Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent my life saying sorry. In the past year or so even more. I say sorry at least 30 times a day.. And why? I could not tell you. I even find myself saying sorry, for saying sorry. I’ve only recently really started to notice it. My boyfriend, Chris, points it out to me every time. I apologize about everything.. Even when it is not necessary. Luckily, he never wants me to say sorry and shows me appreciation for me being me, without the sorry’s!

BUT I can’t help but wonder why. I remember when I was younger always having to apologize because I was made to feel like I was selfish and vein. What 14-year-old girl isn’t obsessed with her outfits and hair being perfect?! Even though I always cared for others. It was taken to another level in my family. Of course I love them so much!!! We just operate differently. Instead of saying positive things about each other, we make fun. At times it’s great, but I sometimes feel as if it makes me feel not enough, or maybe something is wrong with me.

When I have been around my family in recent years, especially my step dad (that poor man, who is really great BTW), I feel so ashamed for what I put them through.. I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t horrible but I feel guilty. I feel like I caused so much stress on them and that I still do. Sometimes I think that’s why I left Minnesota/Iowa. I did not want the burden of feeling like I caused issues in their life or give them the burden of me. It’s always a fight and always an argument. Is it me? All I want to write right now is “I’m sorry”. I catch myself feeling guilty for the pain my family feels and when I am around them, I feel like it’s worse for them. Or sometimes I feel apologetic for being sad when I’m around for holidays or birthdays. Adoption is tough on everyone. I know they support my choice and for the most part they don’t question it. I can’t be mad that they have their own emotional experiences. Some family members disappeared when I chose the adoption route.. One of my siblings and I just recently spoke for one of the first times since I made that choice. It was like I was almost completely alone going through my adoption plan. Now, it’s better. But I felt so guilty and sad and lonely for so long. I remember waking up in LA on multiple days, hoping that someone would call. My sister and mom always did. But the rest of my family and friends, not so much. Some of the conversations with my mom were not pleasant, but like I said, everyone is entitled to their own emotional experience and I was glad to have her in my life through it all. I was, also, lucky to have Kim, her friends and family to make me feel so loved. They welcomed me with open arms, and A LOT OF COOKIES AND CUPCAKES!! 😉 I didn’t feel like I had to say sorry as much to them and that was a nice change.

Whenever I speak about my son and the adoption I say sorry. To my family, friends, whoever. It is almost like I feel that I made a selfish decision, because of what I’ve been told from certain people. I was talking deeply about it tonight with Chris, in tears of frustration on why people in my life could not support my decision to be open about being a birth mother, and for the first time in a while I just spoke freely without sorry’s. How could someone chose to be heart broken every single minute of every single day? Why can’t people see that? Why do I have to say sorry for making the best decision for my son? Why do I have to beg for support? Why do they make me feel like a terrible person? My son deserves more, he deserves the world and every opportunity possible. It felt good to finally say it out loud. I can’t believe I ever apologized to someone for placing my son. It was the best thing I could do for my son. I don’t want to be sorry for doing what was right or for following my heart. I need to be done saying sorry. Sometimes I feel if I say it one more time, I’m going to turn into a sorry.

I’m not perfect, trust me, I know that but I’m tired of apologizing for being me. I just want to be Hope or as Jesse will call me Hopey!

I know that with help from my support system and all of you I can end this. I can stop feeling sorry for all of my actions. If anyone has any advice on how to help with this, I would be so grateful.

Thank you all for your greatness every single day!! I continue to be birth-mom-strong because of Jesse, Kim and all of you!

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Back again..

I feel like I have been away from my blog for years.. All of the emotions are pilled up inside me and I have been holding them in. Because of fear? Because of trying to leave the past in the past? I am not sure. The past few months have been a whirl wind. I moved across the country.. Running away from myself? Maybe. I like to think of it as a fresh start to be who ever I wanted. It does not matter where you are or where you go, it follows you. The pain and sorrow doesn’t ever leave. Although, just as much pain and sorrow I feel so much joy and gratitude. I feel joy for the life I am able to move. I was able to pick up and start again. I packed up my car and left my life behind to start a new one. It felt good. It felt powerful. I also feel gratitude for being able to know. I know my son is okay. I know he is living a great life. I see pictures of him. I hear and see videos of him laughing and walking and talking. I live with him through those moments. I get to live a life of discovery of myself and he gets to become who he was always meant and deserved to be.

There was a moment on my birthday, back in January, where I fell to the ground in tears. I could not hold it together. My friends and boyfriend threw a get together/house warming party for me/us and all I could think about and all I could talk about was not being with my son. I felt so much guilt and so much sorrow. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to see him and hold him and love him. But I couldn’t, so all I could do was cry. Crying so hard I couldn’t breath. I laid in the shower for an hour trying to make it stop, trying to handle it all alone. I just wanted the crying to stop, I wanted to feel better, even just for a moment and I would have been okay. I couldn’t do it. My boyfriend helped me into bed and held me while I cried. I cried in his arms, for what felt like hours. He held me and soothed me. I am glad I finally let love in because for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel like I had to take this on by myself. The father is not in the picture, never has. I have someone in my life who gets me and supports me through it. He doesn’t ask questions, he is just there. I used to think that no one would ever understand me, or get the moments I just needed to cry and be sad for a moment, but he does. It’s a holiday thing. We went through the first instance on Christmas Day. We had to leave my families get together because I just couldn’t do it. I needed a moment to be sad, and I feel okay with that. I don’t deny my feelings anymore. If I want to cry about it, I do. If I want to smile about it, I smile. If I want to talk about it, I talk about it. I let it happen, as it happens. I finally have a support system that lets me and that is beautiful.

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