Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent my life saying sorry. In the past year or so even more. I say sorry at least 30 times a day.. And why? I could not tell you. I even find myself saying sorry, for saying sorry. I’ve only recently really started to notice it. My boyfriend, Chris, points it out to me every time. I apologize about everything.. Even when it is not necessary. Luckily, he never wants me to say sorry and shows me appreciation for me being me, without the sorry’s!
BUT I can’t help but wonder why. I remember when I was younger always having to apologize because I was made to feel like I was selfish and vein. What 14-year-old girl isn’t obsessed with her outfits and hair being perfect?! Even though I always cared for others. It was taken to another level in my family. Of course I love them so much!!! We just operate differently. Instead of saying positive things about each other, we make fun. At times it’s great, but I sometimes feel as if it makes me feel not enough, or maybe something is wrong with me.
When I have been around my family in recent years, especially my step dad (that poor man, who is really great BTW), I feel so ashamed for what I put them through.. I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t horrible but I feel guilty. I feel like I caused so much stress on them and that I still do. Sometimes I think that’s why I left Minnesota/Iowa. I did not want the burden of feeling like I caused issues in their life or give them the burden of me. It’s always a fight and always an argument. Is it me? All I want to write right now is “I’m sorry”. I catch myself feeling guilty for the pain my family feels and when I am around them, I feel like it’s worse for them. Or sometimes I feel apologetic for being sad when I’m around for holidays or birthdays. Adoption is tough on everyone. I know they support my choice and for the most part they don’t question it. I can’t be mad that they have their own emotional experiences. Some family members disappeared when I chose the adoption route.. One of my siblings and I just recently spoke for one of the first times since I made that choice. It was like I was almost completely alone going through my adoption plan. Now, it’s better. But I felt so guilty and sad and lonely for so long. I remember waking up in LA on multiple days, hoping that someone would call. My sister and mom always did. But the rest of my family and friends, not so much. Some of the conversations with my mom were not pleasant, but like I said, everyone is entitled to their own emotional experience and I was glad to have her in my life through it all. I was, also, lucky to have Kim, her friends and family to make me feel so loved. They welcomed me with open arms, and A LOT OF COOKIES AND CUPCAKES!! 😉 I didn’t feel like I had to say sorry as much to them and that was a nice change.
Whenever I speak about my son and the adoption I say sorry. To my family, friends, whoever. It is almost like I feel that I made a selfish decision, because of what I’ve been told from certain people. I was talking deeply about it tonight with Chris, in tears of frustration on why people in my life could not support my decision to be open about being a birth mother, and for the first time in a while I just spoke freely without sorry’s. How could someone chose to be heart broken every single minute of every single day? Why can’t people see that? Why do I have to say sorry for making the best decision for my son? Why do I have to beg for support? Why do they make me feel like a terrible person? My son deserves more, he deserves the world and every opportunity possible. It felt good to finally say it out loud. I can’t believe I ever apologized to someone for placing my son. It was the best thing I could do for my son. I don’t want to be sorry for doing what was right or for following my heart. I need to be done saying sorry. Sometimes I feel if I say it one more time, I’m going to turn into a sorry.
I’m not perfect, trust me, I know that but I’m tired of apologizing for being me. I just want to be Hope or as Jesse will call me Hopey!
I know that with help from my support system and all of you I can end this. I can stop feeling sorry for all of my actions. If anyone has any advice on how to help with this, I would be so grateful.
Thank you all for your greatness every single day!! I continue to be birth-mom-strong because of Jesse, Kim and all of you!