A note I wrote on September 15th, a few days after Jesse was born.

September 15th
The first day I have not spoke to Kim since meeting her, June 8th.. That’s a little over 4 months.. It was a very weird feeling. I kind of kept thinking that maybe she would text me, or call. Then, I started thinking why would she. She has a new baby at home and I am probably the last thought on her mind. Not that I believe that because the adoption is finalized that our relationship is over, but I know it is a different relationship now. I am not living with her, taking up her every day. I am home and living my life, or at least trying too. She has no need to contact me constantly, but that does not mean I am adjusted to it yet. It’s such a weird thing to go through. I miss Jesse. I miss Kim. I miss Sadie. I miss the life I was living there. I miss being pregnant.. What is so weird is that the week before I gave birth, I kept thinking and saying I could not wait to not be pregnant and to get my life back and now all I can think is I wish I had one more day, one more day with Kim and Sadie and one more day with Jesse as mine and only mine. I am so confident in the decision I made to give him up for adoption, but I can’t help but want just one more day. I think about him all day every day. I look at pictures of him and cannot get over how beautiful and perfect he is. I think to myself, I made that, I created that. He was inside me and came out of me. Every once in a while, I get so sad that I cry that he is not with me, but I am so quick to remember that I am not ready for this in my life, nor does he deserve to not receive everything he should because I am in no position to provide. I see so many parents resenting their kids because they had them young or weren’t ready for them and I would never want to be that kind of parent. Well, honestly, until Jesse I did not think I wanted kids at all. I had always thought that life path was not for me and I was just going to be the “cool Aunt” but when he came out and I looked at him, I knew that some day when I was ready I wanted that, all of it. I get what people say about how when the baby comes out it is an instant love and bond that can never be broken. I understand how women who chose this route could change their mind. I never had any doubt that this was exactly what I wanted for him, but I get it. It becomes real when the baby is out and is officially a person in your eyes. You can see him, hold him. Some people may know from the beginning how real it is, but I did not. Of course I could feel him inside me and I could see him move in my belly and grow, but I never felt how I do now, until he came out and I saw what I had created. He was real. This was a real person. A person that would grow up and do such extrodanary things. I am already so proud of him. He truly is the best thing I EVER did and always will be. He will always be the most important part of my life and the most important part of me. Every day, my first thought will be him and every night my last thought will be him.

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