Another note written a few days after Jesse was born..

September 16th
So Kim and I decided today that it would not be a good idea for me to pump out my milk and ship it to Jesse. The more and more we talked about it I agreed. I need to get back to living the life I want to live. I think that my hormones are pushing me to want to do that, a motherly instinct or something like that, but I do not think that emotionally or physically it is a good idea for me. I do need to start living like a 21-year-old woman! I need to be selfish right now. Some would say I already was selfish when I gave up my baby, but I do not see it that way. I once did and I thought I was a horrible person because of it but I do not feel that way now. It took me a while to not feel like that. Honestly, if I would have never meet Kim and gone through the experience we did I would probably still feel like shit about it. She put such a positive attitude on it, and when I would start to feel as if it was such a horrible thing to do she would remind me it was such a gift to give and that does not make me a bad person. Everyone I met in LA said the same thing, people she knew and people she did not. Everyone was so supportive and positive about it, which is how it should be. No one should make a birth mother feel not good enough or like she is not worth respect because of her decision. I am so glad that I was surrounded by people who had nothing but wonderful things to say. Even still when I spoke to Kim on the phone tonight to catch up, she was telling me how all of her friends were asking about me and saying how great I did with Jesse. That made me feel great. 🙂 I really haven’t experienced much of that at home, but then again a lot of people do not even know. My friends who do know have been very supportive, but a lot of my family has not. A lot of them walked out long ago, one of them even said a few weeks ago that I was selling my baby, that is why I wasn’t keeping him. Pretty sad. I am glad I had my mom sister and step-dad (Maury) to get me through it all. Although, things with my mom hit the fan in LA after the birth, she still is the only one who supported me 100% of the time in whatever I wanted to do and kept my secret to herself no matter how hard it was for her to do so. She did not go tell her friends or boss. I will always be so thankful to have my mom through all of this, even if it did get messy at the end. We fought for days and I was about pushed over the edge upon returning home because of her, but I think that this effects everyone different. She had a hard time and I cannot be angry about that. I am angry about things she did, but I am working to let that go. I just wish she would see Kim how I see her, and stop disliking her so much. I do not know what it is going to take but I guess for now I have to let it go and accept that she is entitled to her own opinion.

Also, I talked to tonight for a while on the phone. It was so good to talk to her and catch up. It’s so weird but I miss her so much!! I was so used to living with her and Sadie and our day-to-days and it is such a huge adjustment being home. I am glad that our relationship is still in tact. My attorney, my mom and so many others said once she got the baby and the adoption was done she would be out of my life so quick, but that has not been the case and I am so happy for that. I cannot imagine life without her anymore and I hope I never have too. Also, she sent me more pictures of Jesse, seriously what a cutie. THE CUTEST!

My doctor from LA called to check on me today too. Seriously, what a guy! I had called yesterday to the on call doctor at his office and they called back with advice, but he wanted to call and check on me and said if I needed anything to never hesitate to call. How great is that? He knows I am back in Minnesota and will most likely never see him again but he is still check in on me and lending a helping hand. He is a gem and I am so glad that Kim chose him to be my doctor. He made the pregnancy stuff not so scary for me throughout my time there. He really put me at ease as well as Kim at ease, before the delivery, during and after. I mean how many women can say there doctor came to the hospital three different times to check on you, with a 100% healthy pregnancy and delivery. From what I have heard from other women, not many! I can tell you one thing, if I ever get back to LA and am living there he will be my gyno, that is for sure!

Kim also told me tonight that a couple she is really good friends with who we spent some time with are trying to have a baby now! They were such wonderful people to be around, I think they will make wonderful parents. Mark reminds me a lot of Maury, kind of like a grown up kid! HA But in a good way. I was very excited to hear that, maybe they will hurry it up really quick and have a best friend for Jesse.

Crazy crazy stuff! A lot going on! Hormones are a raging that is for sure. 🙂


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