Monthly Archives: April 2015

Letting Go

I don’t even know where to begin. This day has been a day I can’t discribe. My mom flew me home for a week, which I am so thankful for. I am going through some things and I needed my mom, as we all do. There is no one else I wanted to turn too and no one else that could say the things I needed to hear. We have had our ups and downs but there is no other person on this planet I am more grateful for. She has been my rock and at the same time my emotional punching bag. We have said things that hurt each other and things that made each other feel better. The last three years have been hell for her, with cancer and with the adoption. BUT she still stands strong, like a warrior. 

This morning she came into my room with coffee and we just started talking. An open dialogue. It started with her feelings going through cancer and just ran on. We started talking about the adoption, the hospital and all that surrounded it. For the first time since everything I let go of my anger. The anger I took out on her and everyone else, the blame I pushed on everyone else. I was trying to get “my point of view” across and it hit me, I need to stop blaming everyone else. I am angry and I am hurt and I feel guilt, but that comes from within myself, not from others. I spent so much time focusing on what people in my life did or didn’t do because it was easier then facing my own guilt and emotions. I think back to the hospital, being so mad at my mom. When, in reality I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself for not being able to spend the time with my son I needed to spend, because I couldn’t emotionally do it. I felt robbed of those first few days and hours with him. But I wasn’t robbed by anyone else, I robbed myself of that time. My emotions and my fear wouldn’t let me do it. Fear of changing my mind, fear of falling so much more in love with him, I would never let go of him. 

My mom held me and I held her as we cried and cried and cried. They were tears of sadness but tears of relief too. I finally felt the feelings I needed to feel. I finally accepted them. 

I want to move forward. I want to let go. I want to become a whole person again, instead of living half alive. I want that so badly. I’ve realized that it is not always possible on our own. I can’t take on all my own feelings myself. I may need help and there is nothing wrong with that. I want to be a positive person and focus on positive things, focus on being a role model for my son. 

That is what I am going to do. I am going to accept my anger as my own, not anyone else’s. They didn’t cause this, I did. I can no longer pass judgment on anyone but myself. I need to accept my faults and go onward. Nothing is going to make me whole again and I know that. There will always be a piece of me gone, but I still have feelings of gratitude. Gratitude for my mom, my family, my friends, therapists, meditation, new beginnings, Kim, and most of all Jesse. Jesse for showing me that love is powerful, unconditional, and always near. The bond between a mother and child is unbreakable and unimaginable. 
With love and gratitude, 

Hope 

 
I wrote this blog sitting by the lake taking in all of it’s beauty and calmness. ❤️

Trying to find that feeling. 

Life is a roll coaster, plane and simple. It’s a fricken roller coaster. I swear, I think I’ve tackled the obstacle in front of me, and another appears out of no where. I have come to find out that is life, especially in adulthood. It never stops. I think your 20’s are just hard! No other way to say it. You are learning who you are and making “mistakes” at every turn. Can we call them mistakes if they shape us and cause growth? I’m not sure.

When I had my son, and soon after physically  separated with him, I knew that would be the hardest thing I would ever do. I knew that if I could make it out of that experience alive, I could make it through anything. As life throws curve balls my way, I remember a feeling. The feeling I finally felt when I forgave myself and let go of my guilt. It was an accomplishment for me. I felt at peace and that was I feeling no one could give me but myself. I had to find a way to get through my heart ache and rise from the breaking. And I did just that. I got through it and rose.

Now here I am, almost two years later, going though struggle and having to remember that feeling. I feel like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it is there, I know that. I just can’t see it. I am not sure how to find that light. I have found myself in a down place, a place where I am not happy with who I am and how I am living. I feel a feeling of shame. It’s hard to figure out what to do to get out of it. My mom always tells me to look within, really look, and find out what is causing the pain, start at that cause.

For me right now, it is hard to be far from home and even further from my son. Due to funds, time off, flying and hotel stays have not been an option to visit LA. I haven’t seen my son in months.. I feel guilt in that. I feel guilt that I can’t provide the freedom for myself to make that trip. I feel saddened and ashamed of myself. I know that he will understand. I never stop thinking about him and I never stop dreaming about our future time together. When I am having the worst day, I think back to the last time I visited and I hear his laugh and his sounds. That always puts me at ease. It helps me. I hope that my voice and sounds will some day do the same for him.

I do want to get out that things are not all bad. I received an offer to do technology sales, in the tech hub of the country. Which I am happy about. I may be drowning in student loan and college debt, but a raise in income will help with that. Seeing the positives. I know that I will get back up again.. I know that. I know that struggle is making me stronger. I have so much to be thankful for.. So much to be proud of. I need to remember that. I need to find a place of gratitude and calmness, and embrace that in my heart and soul. I bought a few Sark books last week, she’s my fav, and I’m hoping that this next week I can spend time soul searching with those books and sunshine.

Life is beautiful.

I will see the light.

I will see the light.

H

-After getting the news the mass found in my breast looked non-cancerous!🙏🏼🙌🏼