Trying to find that feeling. 

Life is a roll coaster, plane and simple. It’s a fricken roller coaster. I swear, I think I’ve tackled the obstacle in front of me, and another appears out of no where. I have come to find out that is life, especially in adulthood. It never stops. I think your 20’s are just hard! No other way to say it. You are learning who you are and making “mistakes” at every turn. Can we call them mistakes if they shape us and cause growth? I’m not sure.

When I had my son, and soon after physically  separated with him, I knew that would be the hardest thing I would ever do. I knew that if I could make it out of that experience alive, I could make it through anything. As life throws curve balls my way, I remember a feeling. The feeling I finally felt when I forgave myself and let go of my guilt. It was an accomplishment for me. I felt at peace and that was I feeling no one could give me but myself. I had to find a way to get through my heart ache and rise from the breaking. And I did just that. I got through it and rose.

Now here I am, almost two years later, going though struggle and having to remember that feeling. I feel like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it is there, I know that. I just can’t see it. I am not sure how to find that light. I have found myself in a down place, a place where I am not happy with who I am and how I am living. I feel a feeling of shame. It’s hard to figure out what to do to get out of it. My mom always tells me to look within, really look, and find out what is causing the pain, start at that cause.

For me right now, it is hard to be far from home and even further from my son. Due to funds, time off, flying and hotel stays have not been an option to visit LA. I haven’t seen my son in months.. I feel guilt in that. I feel guilt that I can’t provide the freedom for myself to make that trip. I feel saddened and ashamed of myself. I know that he will understand. I never stop thinking about him and I never stop dreaming about our future time together. When I am having the worst day, I think back to the last time I visited and I hear his laugh and his sounds. That always puts me at ease. It helps me. I hope that my voice and sounds will some day do the same for him.

I do want to get out that things are not all bad. I received an offer to do technology sales, in the tech hub of the country. Which I am happy about. I may be drowning in student loan and college debt, but a raise in income will help with that. Seeing the positives. I know that I will get back up again.. I know that. I know that struggle is making me stronger. I have so much to be thankful for.. So much to be proud of. I need to remember that. I need to find a place of gratitude and calmness, and embrace that in my heart and soul. I bought a few Sark books last week, she’s my fav, and I’m hoping that this next week I can spend time soul searching with those books and sunshine.

Life is beautiful.

I will see the light.

I will see the light.

H

-After getting the news the mass found in my breast looked non-cancerous!🙏🏼🙌🏼

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