I don’t even know where to begin. This day has been a day I can’t discribe. My mom flew me home for a week, which I am so thankful for. I am going through some things and I needed my mom, as we all do. There is no one else I wanted to turn too and no one else that could say the things I needed to hear. We have had our ups and downs but there is no other person on this planet I am more grateful for. She has been my rock and at the same time my emotional punching bag. We have said things that hurt each other and things that made each other feel better. The last three years have been hell for her, with cancer and with the adoption. BUT she still stands strong, like a warrior.
This morning she came into my room with coffee and we just started talking. An open dialogue. It started with her feelings going through cancer and just ran on. We started talking about the adoption, the hospital and all that surrounded it. For the first time since everything I let go of my anger. The anger I took out on her and everyone else, the blame I pushed on everyone else. I was trying to get “my point of view” across and it hit me, I need to stop blaming everyone else. I am angry and I am hurt and I feel guilt, but that comes from within myself, not from others. I spent so much time focusing on what people in my life did or didn’t do because it was easier then facing my own guilt and emotions. I think back to the hospital, being so mad at my mom. When, in reality I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself for not being able to spend the time with my son I needed to spend, because I couldn’t emotionally do it. I felt robbed of those first few days and hours with him. But I wasn’t robbed by anyone else, I robbed myself of that time. My emotions and my fear wouldn’t let me do it. Fear of changing my mind, fear of falling so much more in love with him, I would never let go of him.
My mom held me and I held her as we cried and cried and cried. They were tears of sadness but tears of relief too. I finally felt the feelings I needed to feel. I finally accepted them.
I want to move forward. I want to let go. I want to become a whole person again, instead of living half alive. I want that so badly. I’ve realized that it is not always possible on our own. I can’t take on all my own feelings myself. I may need help and there is nothing wrong with that. I want to be a positive person and focus on positive things, focus on being a role model for my son.
That is what I am going to do. I am going to accept my anger as my own, not anyone else’s. They didn’t cause this, I did. I can no longer pass judgment on anyone but myself. I need to accept my faults and go onward. Nothing is going to make me whole again and I know that. There will always be a piece of me gone, but I still have feelings of gratitude. Gratitude for my mom, my family, my friends, therapists, meditation, new beginnings, Kim, and most of all Jesse. Jesse for showing me that love is powerful, unconditional, and always near. The bond between a mother and child is unbreakable and unimaginable.
With love and gratitude,