When I was 21 years old, I had an unplanned pregnancy. At first I had no idea what to do, get an abortion, raise the baby myself, or adoption, all options that were presented to me. Although, I am pro-choice I was not at a point where I felt comfortable doing this. The weeks after finding out I was carrying a baby boy, who I already knew would be perfect and beautiful, were spent trying to decide what to do. Along with trying to decide what to do, I had to figure out how I was going to keep this a secret. I told my immediate family and my three best friends. That’s it. I was bar tending at a deck bar back home that summer, college wasn’t going to pay for itself. I ended up having to tell my boss because I had to give a reason to why I couldn’t life kegs, who guess what… was looking to adopt. Otherwise no one else knew, at least not to my knowledge. My friends, also colleagues, would ask me to go out after work, and I just had to make an excuse. Which to be honest, saying no to a night out was new to me. I also told my team lead, who happened to be one of my really great friends. She kept my secret and helped me out at work, I’ll always remember that.
I wore a extra large uniform shirt and used my apron to cover up part of my growing belly. I hid it while I tried to figure out what todo and honestly I was to ashamed and afraid for it to be public knowledge.
I realized quick I had to put my own feelings and wants on the back burner and think about this tiny human who would be arriving in a few months. I remember going to Target after an ultrasound one day and going straight to the baby aisle. I found the most soft blanket and I had to get it. In that moment I thought, “You know what, I can do this. I can make my life about another human. I can drop out of school, move home and figure it out.” I came home, showed my mom and she was not as thrilled as I was with this decision. See, my mom already raised five children and had my oldest sister at 19. To her this was as if I was saying “I am going to have this baby and you are going to raise him”. That was not my intention, but we all know how relationships with our moms can be. It ended in tears, for both of us. Hearing your mom say you wouldn’t make a good mother.. Well it hurts to say the least. But I now get where she was coming from. I am not angry anymore, I understand wanting what is best for your child. She knew. She knew I wasn’t ready and that she wasn’t ready.
In the days to come I started heavily researching adoption. I received packets from agencies, spent countless hours looking at profiles and starting to talk to couples looking to adopt. My life was work and find a great family. One day, after searching and searching an ad popped up on the side of Google. It was an adoption ad, a woman’s aoption book. I clicked it, mostly thinking it was probably another ad for an agency that wants me to sign a closed adoption, which I was not going to do. To my surprise it was everything I had been looking for. EVERYTHING. She was a single mom, which some people questioned me on. But I knew reading her adoption book that she was everything I ever wanted myself to be like. I sent an email introducing myself right away, which Jesse kicked like crazy that whole email. I’ll never forget that. Within minutes I had a response, and within a few emails we were texting, then on the phone, then Skyping. I felt a connection with her unlike any of the other families. I flew out to LA to meet her, and the rest.. Well that’s saved for the book!!
Open adoption is an amazing journey . A journey of trying to find myself after adoption and how we made our adoption work for us. I want to help birthmothers, birth families, adoptive families, and everyone else. I have a strong desire and need to share my life with you, and I cannot wait to see what unfolds.