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Time to come back… Intro 2.0

When I was 21 years old, I had an unplanned pregnancy. At first I had no idea what to do, get an abortion, raise the baby myself, or adoption, all options that were presented to me. Although, I am pro-choice I was not at a point where I felt comfortable doing this. The weeks after finding out I was carrying a baby boy, who I already knew would be perfect and beautiful, were spent trying to decide what to do. Along with trying to decide what to do, I had to figure out how I was going to keep this a secret. I told my immediate family and my three best friends. That’s it. I was bar tending at a deck bar back home that summer, college wasn’t going to pay for itself. I ended up having to tell my boss because I had to give a reason to why I couldn’t life kegs, who guess what… was looking to adopt. Otherwise no one else knew, at least not to my knowledge. My friends, also colleagues, would ask me to go out after work, and I just had to make an excuse. Which to be honest, saying no to a night out was new to me. I also told my team lead, who happened to be one of my really great friends. She kept my secret and helped me out at work, I’ll always remember that. 

I wore a extra large uniform shirt and used my apron to cover up part of my growing belly. I hid it while I tried to figure out what todo and honestly I was to ashamed and afraid for it to be public knowledge. 
I realized quick I had to put my own feelings and wants on the back burner and think about this tiny human who would be arriving in a few months. I remember going to Target after an ultrasound one day and going straight to the baby aisle. I found the most soft blanket and I had to get it. In that moment I thought, “You know what, I can do this. I can make my life about another human. I can drop out of school, move home and figure it out.” I came home, showed my mom and she was not as thrilled as I was with this decision. See, my mom already raised five children and had my oldest sister at 19. To her this was as if I was saying “I am going to have this baby and you are going to raise him”. That was not my intention, but we all know how relationships with our moms can be. It ended in tears, for both of us. Hearing your mom say you wouldn’t make a good mother.. Well it hurts to say the least. But I now get where she was coming from. I am not angry anymore, I understand wanting what is best for your child. She knew. She knew I wasn’t ready and that she wasn’t ready. 

In the days to come I started heavily researching adoption. I received packets from agencies, spent countless hours looking at profiles and starting to talk to couples looking to adopt. My life was work and find a great family. One day, after searching and searching an ad popped up on the side of Google. It was an adoption ad, a woman’s aoption book. I clicked it, mostly thinking it was probably another ad for an agency that wants me to sign a closed adoption, which I was not going to do. To my surprise it was everything I had been looking for. EVERYTHING. She was a single mom, which some people questioned me on. But I knew reading her adoption book that she was everything I ever wanted myself to be like. I sent an email introducing myself right away, which Jesse kicked like crazy that whole email. I’ll never forget that. Within minutes I had a response, and within a few emails we were texting, then on the phone, then Skyping. I felt a connection with her unlike any of the other families. I flew out to LA to meet her, and the rest.. Well that’s saved for the book!! 

Open adoption is an amazing journey . A journey of trying to find myself after adoption and how we made our adoption work for us. I want to help birthmothers, birth families, adoptive families, and everyone else. I have a strong desire and need to share my life with you, and I cannot wait to see what unfolds. 



I always let time get the best of me.. I get too busy or I think what I have to say doesn’t matter. I feel that no matter what I say or do no one will truly see the real me or the real feelings. I feel that way more then ever today. I can’t get across my feelings without feeling so upset, that I push away the people who matter most. I have to stop myself and wonder am I so upset because what they are saying is true or because they don’t know the real me…

It is a constant battle every time. It doesn’t matter what the battle is about, but it’s always there. It has been for years. When I look at myself I see a successful woman trying to make the best of the time I have here. I see myself as someone not afraid to take risks or stand up for what I believe in. I am starting to think that being that way is not okay.. I am starting to think that being this way alienates me and puts me on the battle field with ones who are close. I don’t know how to be myself around the people who have known me my whole life. I feel like I don’t belong and I don’t know why. Is it me? Am I the issue?

How do I become a person that they can be proud of? What do I need to do? I am not perfect, far from it. I make mistakes all the time, but I try to learn from them and be better. What if I am not being better? What if I am just going in a circle of decisions that really don’t better me.

I thought moving to California would solve everything. I thought it would bring me peace to be close to my son and in a new environment. I thought this was where I belonged. I am starting to see that all I am doing is running. I am running from myself and my past. I am learning that being in California does not really mean I am close to my son. It means I am a 4 hour drive, that I can’t make. I knew that coming out here, but I think in my mind I thought it would be bring me peace to be closer. All it has done is create frustration that I am so close, yet so far away. I can’t just jump in my car and see him, and I knew that before I moved out here. But that doesn’t make it an easier.

At the end of the day it all steams back from the day I made the decision to go the route I did, adoption. That day my fate was set. I fear I will spend the rest of my life chasing a feeling or a place that doesn’t exists. I see people everyday having major life moments, having babies, getting engaged, buying homes and I feel lost. I feel like those things are not attainable for me. I feel as if I gave up the right to want those things and to let those things happen. I think I run because in my mind I have too. I am supposed to be out living my life, and I am, but at what costs. How do I stop chasing a place and a feeling that doesn’t exist and never will. I will never be the person I was before that day, and I am okay with that. How do I find the peace of mind in finding home, because right now I don’t know where that is or how to find it…







Letting Go

I don’t even know where to begin. This day has been a day I can’t discribe. My mom flew me home for a week, which I am so thankful for. I am going through some things and I needed my mom, as we all do. There is no one else I wanted to turn too and no one else that could say the things I needed to hear. We have had our ups and downs but there is no other person on this planet I am more grateful for. She has been my rock and at the same time my emotional punching bag. We have said things that hurt each other and things that made each other feel better. The last three years have been hell for her, with cancer and with the adoption. BUT she still stands strong, like a warrior. 

This morning she came into my room with coffee and we just started talking. An open dialogue. It started with her feelings going through cancer and just ran on. We started talking about the adoption, the hospital and all that surrounded it. For the first time since everything I let go of my anger. The anger I took out on her and everyone else, the blame I pushed on everyone else. I was trying to get “my point of view” across and it hit me, I need to stop blaming everyone else. I am angry and I am hurt and I feel guilt, but that comes from within myself, not from others. I spent so much time focusing on what people in my life did or didn’t do because it was easier then facing my own guilt and emotions. I think back to the hospital, being so mad at my mom. When, in reality I was mad at myself. I was mad at myself for not being able to spend the time with my son I needed to spend, because I couldn’t emotionally do it. I felt robbed of those first few days and hours with him. But I wasn’t robbed by anyone else, I robbed myself of that time. My emotions and my fear wouldn’t let me do it. Fear of changing my mind, fear of falling so much more in love with him, I would never let go of him. 

My mom held me and I held her as we cried and cried and cried. They were tears of sadness but tears of relief too. I finally felt the feelings I needed to feel. I finally accepted them. 

I want to move forward. I want to let go. I want to become a whole person again, instead of living half alive. I want that so badly. I’ve realized that it is not always possible on our own. I can’t take on all my own feelings myself. I may need help and there is nothing wrong with that. I want to be a positive person and focus on positive things, focus on being a role model for my son. 

That is what I am going to do. I am going to accept my anger as my own, not anyone else’s. They didn’t cause this, I did. I can no longer pass judgment on anyone but myself. I need to accept my faults and go onward. Nothing is going to make me whole again and I know that. There will always be a piece of me gone, but I still have feelings of gratitude. Gratitude for my mom, my family, my friends, therapists, meditation, new beginnings, Kim, and most of all Jesse. Jesse for showing me that love is powerful, unconditional, and always near. The bond between a mother and child is unbreakable and unimaginable. 
With love and gratitude, 


I wrote this blog sitting by the lake taking in all of it’s beauty and calmness. ❤️

Trying to find that feeling. 

Life is a roll coaster, plane and simple. It’s a fricken roller coaster. I swear, I think I’ve tackled the obstacle in front of me, and another appears out of no where. I have come to find out that is life, especially in adulthood. It never stops. I think your 20’s are just hard! No other way to say it. You are learning who you are and making “mistakes” at every turn. Can we call them mistakes if they shape us and cause growth? I’m not sure.

When I had my son, and soon after physically  separated with him, I knew that would be the hardest thing I would ever do. I knew that if I could make it out of that experience alive, I could make it through anything. As life throws curve balls my way, I remember a feeling. The feeling I finally felt when I forgave myself and let go of my guilt. It was an accomplishment for me. I felt at peace and that was I feeling no one could give me but myself. I had to find a way to get through my heart ache and rise from the breaking. And I did just that. I got through it and rose.

Now here I am, almost two years later, going though struggle and having to remember that feeling. I feel like I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know it is there, I know that. I just can’t see it. I am not sure how to find that light. I have found myself in a down place, a place where I am not happy with who I am and how I am living. I feel a feeling of shame. It’s hard to figure out what to do to get out of it. My mom always tells me to look within, really look, and find out what is causing the pain, start at that cause.

For me right now, it is hard to be far from home and even further from my son. Due to funds, time off, flying and hotel stays have not been an option to visit LA. I haven’t seen my son in months.. I feel guilt in that. I feel guilt that I can’t provide the freedom for myself to make that trip. I feel saddened and ashamed of myself. I know that he will understand. I never stop thinking about him and I never stop dreaming about our future time together. When I am having the worst day, I think back to the last time I visited and I hear his laugh and his sounds. That always puts me at ease. It helps me. I hope that my voice and sounds will some day do the same for him.

I do want to get out that things are not all bad. I received an offer to do technology sales, in the tech hub of the country. Which I am happy about. I may be drowning in student loan and college debt, but a raise in income will help with that. Seeing the positives. I know that I will get back up again.. I know that. I know that struggle is making me stronger. I have so much to be thankful for.. So much to be proud of. I need to remember that. I need to find a place of gratitude and calmness, and embrace that in my heart and soul. I bought a few Sark books last week, she’s my fav, and I’m hoping that this next week I can spend time soul searching with those books and sunshine.

Life is beautiful.

I will see the light.

I will see the light.


-After getting the news the mass found in my breast looked non-cancerous!🙏🏼🙌🏼

Another note written a few days after Jesse was born..

September 16th
So Kim and I decided today that it would not be a good idea for me to pump out my milk and ship it to Jesse. The more and more we talked about it I agreed. I need to get back to living the life I want to live. I think that my hormones are pushing me to want to do that, a motherly instinct or something like that, but I do not think that emotionally or physically it is a good idea for me. I do need to start living like a 21-year-old woman! I need to be selfish right now. Some would say I already was selfish when I gave up my baby, but I do not see it that way. I once did and I thought I was a horrible person because of it but I do not feel that way now. It took me a while to not feel like that. Honestly, if I would have never meet Kim and gone through the experience we did I would probably still feel like shit about it. She put such a positive attitude on it, and when I would start to feel as if it was such a horrible thing to do she would remind me it was such a gift to give and that does not make me a bad person. Everyone I met in LA said the same thing, people she knew and people she did not. Everyone was so supportive and positive about it, which is how it should be. No one should make a birth mother feel not good enough or like she is not worth respect because of her decision. I am so glad that I was surrounded by people who had nothing but wonderful things to say. Even still when I spoke to Kim on the phone tonight to catch up, she was telling me how all of her friends were asking about me and saying how great I did with Jesse. That made me feel great. 🙂 I really haven’t experienced much of that at home, but then again a lot of people do not even know. My friends who do know have been very supportive, but a lot of my family has not. A lot of them walked out long ago, one of them even said a few weeks ago that I was selling my baby, that is why I wasn’t keeping him. Pretty sad. I am glad I had my mom sister and step-dad (Maury) to get me through it all. Although, things with my mom hit the fan in LA after the birth, she still is the only one who supported me 100% of the time in whatever I wanted to do and kept my secret to herself no matter how hard it was for her to do so. She did not go tell her friends or boss. I will always be so thankful to have my mom through all of this, even if it did get messy at the end. We fought for days and I was about pushed over the edge upon returning home because of her, but I think that this effects everyone different. She had a hard time and I cannot be angry about that. I am angry about things she did, but I am working to let that go. I just wish she would see Kim how I see her, and stop disliking her so much. I do not know what it is going to take but I guess for now I have to let it go and accept that she is entitled to her own opinion.

Also, I talked to tonight for a while on the phone. It was so good to talk to her and catch up. It’s so weird but I miss her so much!! I was so used to living with her and Sadie and our day-to-days and it is such a huge adjustment being home. I am glad that our relationship is still in tact. My attorney, my mom and so many others said once she got the baby and the adoption was done she would be out of my life so quick, but that has not been the case and I am so happy for that. I cannot imagine life without her anymore and I hope I never have too. Also, she sent me more pictures of Jesse, seriously what a cutie. THE CUTEST!

My doctor from LA called to check on me today too. Seriously, what a guy! I had called yesterday to the on call doctor at his office and they called back with advice, but he wanted to call and check on me and said if I needed anything to never hesitate to call. How great is that? He knows I am back in Minnesota and will most likely never see him again but he is still check in on me and lending a helping hand. He is a gem and I am so glad that Kim chose him to be my doctor. He made the pregnancy stuff not so scary for me throughout my time there. He really put me at ease as well as Kim at ease, before the delivery, during and after. I mean how many women can say there doctor came to the hospital three different times to check on you, with a 100% healthy pregnancy and delivery. From what I have heard from other women, not many! I can tell you one thing, if I ever get back to LA and am living there he will be my gyno, that is for sure!

Kim also told me tonight that a couple she is really good friends with who we spent some time with are trying to have a baby now! They were such wonderful people to be around, I think they will make wonderful parents. Mark reminds me a lot of Maury, kind of like a grown up kid! HA But in a good way. I was very excited to hear that, maybe they will hurry it up really quick and have a best friend for Jesse.

Crazy crazy stuff! A lot going on! Hormones are a raging that is for sure. 🙂

A note I wrote on September 15th, a few days after Jesse was born.

September 15th
The first day I have not spoke to Kim since meeting her, June 8th.. That’s a little over 4 months.. It was a very weird feeling. I kind of kept thinking that maybe she would text me, or call. Then, I started thinking why would she. She has a new baby at home and I am probably the last thought on her mind. Not that I believe that because the adoption is finalized that our relationship is over, but I know it is a different relationship now. I am not living with her, taking up her every day. I am home and living my life, or at least trying too. She has no need to contact me constantly, but that does not mean I am adjusted to it yet. It’s such a weird thing to go through. I miss Jesse. I miss Kim. I miss Sadie. I miss the life I was living there. I miss being pregnant.. What is so weird is that the week before I gave birth, I kept thinking and saying I could not wait to not be pregnant and to get my life back and now all I can think is I wish I had one more day, one more day with Kim and Sadie and one more day with Jesse as mine and only mine. I am so confident in the decision I made to give him up for adoption, but I can’t help but want just one more day. I think about him all day every day. I look at pictures of him and cannot get over how beautiful and perfect he is. I think to myself, I made that, I created that. He was inside me and came out of me. Every once in a while, I get so sad that I cry that he is not with me, but I am so quick to remember that I am not ready for this in my life, nor does he deserve to not receive everything he should because I am in no position to provide. I see so many parents resenting their kids because they had them young or weren’t ready for them and I would never want to be that kind of parent. Well, honestly, until Jesse I did not think I wanted kids at all. I had always thought that life path was not for me and I was just going to be the “cool Aunt” but when he came out and I looked at him, I knew that some day when I was ready I wanted that, all of it. I get what people say about how when the baby comes out it is an instant love and bond that can never be broken. I understand how women who chose this route could change their mind. I never had any doubt that this was exactly what I wanted for him, but I get it. It becomes real when the baby is out and is officially a person in your eyes. You can see him, hold him. Some people may know from the beginning how real it is, but I did not. Of course I could feel him inside me and I could see him move in my belly and grow, but I never felt how I do now, until he came out and I saw what I had created. He was real. This was a real person. A person that would grow up and do such extrodanary things. I am already so proud of him. He truly is the best thing I EVER did and always will be. He will always be the most important part of my life and the most important part of me. Every day, my first thought will be him and every night my last thought will be him.

Tired of saying sorry..

Sometimes I feel like I’ve spent my life saying sorry. In the past year or so even more. I say sorry at least 30 times a day.. And why? I could not tell you. I even find myself saying sorry, for saying sorry. I’ve only recently really started to notice it. My boyfriend, Chris, points it out to me every time. I apologize about everything.. Even when it is not necessary. Luckily, he never wants me to say sorry and shows me appreciation for me being me, without the sorry’s!

BUT I can’t help but wonder why. I remember when I was younger always having to apologize because I was made to feel like I was selfish and vein. What 14-year-old girl isn’t obsessed with her outfits and hair being perfect?! Even though I always cared for others. It was taken to another level in my family. Of course I love them so much!!! We just operate differently. Instead of saying positive things about each other, we make fun. At times it’s great, but I sometimes feel as if it makes me feel not enough, or maybe something is wrong with me.

When I have been around my family in recent years, especially my step dad (that poor man, who is really great BTW), I feel so ashamed for what I put them through.. I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t horrible but I feel guilty. I feel like I caused so much stress on them and that I still do. Sometimes I think that’s why I left Minnesota/Iowa. I did not want the burden of feeling like I caused issues in their life or give them the burden of me. It’s always a fight and always an argument. Is it me? All I want to write right now is “I’m sorry”. I catch myself feeling guilty for the pain my family feels and when I am around them, I feel like it’s worse for them. Or sometimes I feel apologetic for being sad when I’m around for holidays or birthdays. Adoption is tough on everyone. I know they support my choice and for the most part they don’t question it. I can’t be mad that they have their own emotional experiences. Some family members disappeared when I chose the adoption route.. One of my siblings and I just recently spoke for one of the first times since I made that choice. It was like I was almost completely alone going through my adoption plan. Now, it’s better. But I felt so guilty and sad and lonely for so long. I remember waking up in LA on multiple days, hoping that someone would call. My sister and mom always did. But the rest of my family and friends, not so much. Some of the conversations with my mom were not pleasant, but like I said, everyone is entitled to their own emotional experience and I was glad to have her in my life through it all. I was, also, lucky to have Kim, her friends and family to make me feel so loved. They welcomed me with open arms, and A LOT OF COOKIES AND CUPCAKES!! 😉 I didn’t feel like I had to say sorry as much to them and that was a nice change.

Whenever I speak about my son and the adoption I say sorry. To my family, friends, whoever. It is almost like I feel that I made a selfish decision, because of what I’ve been told from certain people. I was talking deeply about it tonight with Chris, in tears of frustration on why people in my life could not support my decision to be open about being a birth mother, and for the first time in a while I just spoke freely without sorry’s. How could someone chose to be heart broken every single minute of every single day? Why can’t people see that? Why do I have to say sorry for making the best decision for my son? Why do I have to beg for support? Why do they make me feel like a terrible person? My son deserves more, he deserves the world and every opportunity possible. It felt good to finally say it out loud. I can’t believe I ever apologized to someone for placing my son. It was the best thing I could do for my son. I don’t want to be sorry for doing what was right or for following my heart. I need to be done saying sorry. Sometimes I feel if I say it one more time, I’m going to turn into a sorry.

I’m not perfect, trust me, I know that but I’m tired of apologizing for being me. I just want to be Hope or as Jesse will call me Hopey!

I know that with help from my support system and all of you I can end this. I can stop feeling sorry for all of my actions. If anyone has any advice on how to help with this, I would be so grateful.

Thank you all for your greatness every single day!! I continue to be birth-mom-strong because of Jesse, Kim and all of you!


Back again..

I feel like I have been away from my blog for years.. All of the emotions are pilled up inside me and I have been holding them in. Because of fear? Because of trying to leave the past in the past? I am not sure. The past few months have been a whirl wind. I moved across the country.. Running away from myself? Maybe. I like to think of it as a fresh start to be who ever I wanted. It does not matter where you are or where you go, it follows you. The pain and sorrow doesn’t ever leave. Although, just as much pain and sorrow I feel so much joy and gratitude. I feel joy for the life I am able to move. I was able to pick up and start again. I packed up my car and left my life behind to start a new one. It felt good. It felt powerful. I also feel gratitude for being able to know. I know my son is okay. I know he is living a great life. I see pictures of him. I hear and see videos of him laughing and walking and talking. I live with him through those moments. I get to live a life of discovery of myself and he gets to become who he was always meant and deserved to be.

There was a moment on my birthday, back in January, where I fell to the ground in tears. I could not hold it together. My friends and boyfriend threw a get together/house warming party for me/us and all I could think about and all I could talk about was not being with my son. I felt so much guilt and so much sorrow. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to see him and hold him and love him. But I couldn’t, so all I could do was cry. Crying so hard I couldn’t breath. I laid in the shower for an hour trying to make it stop, trying to handle it all alone. I just wanted the crying to stop, I wanted to feel better, even just for a moment and I would have been okay. I couldn’t do it. My boyfriend helped me into bed and held me while I cried. I cried in his arms, for what felt like hours. He held me and soothed me. I am glad I finally let love in because for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel like I had to take this on by myself. The father is not in the picture, never has. I have someone in my life who gets me and supports me through it. He doesn’t ask questions, he is just there. I used to think that no one would ever understand me, or get the moments I just needed to cry and be sad for a moment, but he does. It’s a holiday thing. We went through the first instance on Christmas Day. We had to leave my families get together because I just couldn’t do it. I needed a moment to be sad, and I feel okay with that. I don’t deny my feelings anymore. If I want to cry about it, I do. If I want to smile about it, I smile. If I want to talk about it, I talk about it. I let it happen, as it happens. I finally have a support system that lets me and that is beautiful.


Another Morning

I woke up this morning around 6:00. In this past year I have had a mental alarm clock ring right around that time every day. Some mornings I wake up use the bathroom and go back to bed, others I’m up for the day. This morning felt different. I woke up drank a glass of water went to use the bathroom and just stopped. I stopped in front of the mirror having a weird feeling. I turned my head away and used the bathroom, and then went back in front of the mirror. It felt like I was in a daze that I couldn’t shake myself out of. I was confused looking at my reflection. I started to feel a little sad. Although I was unsure why.. Sometimes I get like this, for no apparent reason at the moment. I later on find out from Kim that something happened with Jesse, most of the time all good things. Call me crazy, but it’s almost as if my body knows. There is a connection unlike any other between mother and child, as I write this with tears racing down my face.

I remember thinking my mom was crazy when she would tell me she called because “she had a feeling” something was wrong or going on. Even to this day when I’m having a hard time or something has gone terribly wrong, she’ll text me out of the blue. She is not the best communicator, but in those moments she knows. A mother knows. Although, this is not a feeling of fear for me in this moment, it is a feeling of being in the unknown. I KNOW my son is being loved and taken care of, I KNOW what he looks like, but what sounds did he make today? What words is he forming today? Is he running around the house yet? In this exact moment is he sound asleep or eating or playing? It’s the unknown. I don’t know. That moment takes over me often. It used to happen all day, regardless of my whereabouts. I would start thinking about it and tear up and become very saddened. Now, it is mostly in the mornings and nights. All day I think about him, because everything reminds me of him but it doesn’t become a daze all of the time anymore. Now, a lot of times when I think of him I laugh. I laugh about the times we shared in my visits or the pictures I have of him from Kim. It isn’t always a bad emotion and honestly I don’t think any of it is “bad” emotion. I think it is natural emotion.

Side bar, as I’m writing this I took a second looked down and realized I am wearing the exact pajama combination I wore when my water broke. I big baggy t-shirt and silky crop baggy bottoms.. The daze. I understand it now. That September 9th, 5:30 am morning was unlike any other and I’ll treasure that warm sensation of labor beginning for ever.

The bonds are strong. I’ll never forget leaving Kim’s home this past visit.. I had been there for four days, not full days, but I think she was ready to get back to life as usual. When my Uber pulled up to take me to the airport I grabbed my stuff and was slowly walking out. I said good-bye a million times, told Jesse I loved him over and over and hugged him over and over again, although I still feel as if I should a have given one more. I am walking out of the door with my back facing the street and facing them at the door and Jesse starts to cry/scream reaching for me as I have to say goodbye. I didn’t even know how to handle that situation, I just looked at him and said I would see him soon and that I loved him. Now, maybe he was crying because that’s what babies do when people leave, but I felt it inside of me. I felt the sadness of saying goodbye, for him and myself. He grew inside of me for 9 full months… The only comfort he knew was me, and I know that he feels that when I am near and even when I am far. We are connected in a way that no one else will ever be connected, and when I start fearing the unknown I remember that. It becomes less fearful. I start just imagining him doing all the things I’m wondering if he is doing. I start thinking about his smile and his active spirt. My mind is at ease. Yes, I do not have the answers to my questions but the most important question is already answered. Did he wake up loved and taken care of? Yes.


My son turned 1 last week. 1 year old. Where did the time go? I now understand what people say about time flying so fast when you have children. I swear it was as if he was just born, I closed my eyes and now he is 1. And he is the best 1 year old!

I am sitting in an airport right now headed to his birthday party in LA. My last few visits to LA to see him have been short, one day or a few hours, this time it is a three day trip. Three days with my son. Three days to take in every scent, sound and movement. I am so nervous and so excited. Nervous to see him and his family. I don’t want to be a let down to them. I just had to leave me job because of a horrible situation that occurred and now I am going to see them and I have to tell them I already left my fist “grown up” job. I know they will understand the reasoning for leaving it, but it’s frustrating. I do everything I can, everyday, to make them proud and him proud. My days aren’t about me and they haven’t been for almost two years. I don’t wake up in the morning and say what can I do to fulfill myself today, I say what can I do to fulfill my son and his family today. What can I do to make them proud of the woman they know as Hopey. Ah. It’s time to put a show on and act as if my life is going amazing. And maybe it is, maybe everything going on is the best thing for me.

I do not need to have a pity party. I am done doing that right now. Honestly though, most of the people in my life couldn’t tell you the first or last problem going on in my life. Most of them would tell you that I am always happy and nothing ever gets me down, or nothing major is happening. I put on a front because I do not want anyone to see me vulnerable, because what would happen then? Would I let people in and allow them to see that I do have more then just sunshine and rainbows. Now, it is not to say I act unrealistic or naive. I just do not see why I should put my problems on anyone else and weigh down their life. We all know that people are going through things, and who am I to put my stuff on top of that. I do not cry in front of people. I do not scream in front of people. I do not talk about the deep issues I struggle with every day. The most ironic part about this is that this is an anonymous blog. Very few people know about this blog, maybe two people. I won’t even share this with them. I can’t be seen as weak. I can’t be seen as weak because then what would happen? Almost every friend I have ever had has tried to take advantage of me as it is, can you imagine if I showed this vulnerable side? What would happen? I run from confrontation, most of the time, and my friends and family know that. Friends I have had for years think I do not realize they are doing it. Well, I do. But that is besides the point. It is on my mind right now, but that is not the important thing right now.

I need to focus on that beautiful baby boy, the most beautiful boy. It is his weekend! Although, I have a very strong feeling every weekend and every day is always his. He is a lucky little boy to have the world at his feet and the most amazing family to provide it for him. I am grateful to be part of it, even it is only for a weekend a few times a year. Here is to Jesse and the happiness of this weekend and the rest of all of our days!