Tag Archives: adoption

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I always let time get the best of me.. I get too busy or I think what I have to say doesn’t matter. I feel that no matter what I say or do no one will truly see the real me or the real feelings. I feel that way more then ever today. I can’t get across my feelings without feeling so upset, that I push away the people who matter most. I have to stop myself and wonder am I so upset because what they are saying is true or because they don’t know the real me…

It is a constant battle every time. It doesn’t matter what the battle is about, but it’s always there. It has been for years. When I look at myself I see a successful woman trying to make the best of the time I have here. I see myself as someone not afraid to take risks or stand up for what I believe in. I am starting to think that being that way is not okay.. I am starting to think that being this way alienates me and puts me on the battle field with ones who are close. I don’t know how to be myself around the people who have known me my whole life. I feel like I don’t belong and I don’t know why. Is it me? Am I the issue?

How do I become a person that they can be proud of? What do I need to do? I am not perfect, far from it. I make mistakes all the time, but I try to learn from them and be better. What if I am not being better? What if I am just going in a circle of decisions that really don’t better me.

I thought moving to California would solve everything. I thought it would bring me peace to be close to my son and in a new environment. I thought this was where I belonged. I am starting to see that all I am doing is running. I am running from myself and my past. I am learning that being in California does not really mean I am close to my son. It means I am a 4 hour drive, that I can’t make. I knew that coming out here, but I think in my mind I thought it would be bring me peace to be closer. All it has done is create frustration that I am so close, yet so far away. I can’t just jump in my car and see him, and I knew that before I moved out here. But that doesn’t make it an easier.

At the end of the day it all steams back from the day I made the decision to go the route I did, adoption. That day my fate was set. I fear I will spend the rest of my life chasing a feeling or a place that doesn’t exists. I see people everyday having major life moments, having babies, getting engaged, buying homes and I feel lost. I feel like those things are not attainable for me. I feel as if I gave up the right to want those things and to let those things happen. I think I run because in my mind I have too. I am supposed to be out living my life, and I am, but at what costs. How do I stop chasing a place and a feeling that doesn’t exist and never will. I will never be the person I was before that day, and I am okay with that. How do I find the peace of mind in finding home, because right now I don’t know where that is or how to find it…

 

 

 

 

 

 

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West Coast Ready

There was never a doubt in my mind that I would end up closer to my son, after he was born at least. I remember back when I was searching for his forever family and I wanted them to be as far away as possible. I wanted an open adoption but I didn’t think I could bear being so close to him. As my belly grew bigger and the movements became stronger, my feelings towards this idea started to change. There was one problem, I had already feel in love with a family and they were across the country. I knew this woman had to be his mom. I couldn’t change that and I did not want too. So, my mind was made up, I would find a way back to him.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. You gave up that right, and I know that, whole heartily I know. It’s not about crossing a line and showing up every day, or every weekend. That’s not what I long for. Would I love that? Of course. Is that fair to his mom? No. I would never want to cross a boundary. I put myself in her shoes all the time and think “if I were her how would I feel about this”. What I really long for is closeness. I long for knowing that if we agree on a visit I can jump in my car and go. If I long for a memory, I can jump in my car and go back to some of the places that I hold memories with him. It is one thing to have them in your mind, the memories are always in my mind, but to be there and smell the air and take myself back.. There are no words to describe that longing I have. 

My life journey brought me to the East Coast last October, even further away. It was something I needed to do for my growth and to really discover who I am and who I want to be. I would never take back my choice to come to Virginia, as my life has been changed for the better because of it. My family out here has inspired me to be the best version of myself, to help others, to work hard and never give up. I can’t put enough value on the way they have changed my outlooks. My Aunt B puts everyone first, is always doing anything she can for her children and works her a$$ off to provide for them. She is one of the toughest women I know. My Uncle T.. There aren’t great enough words to describe him. Always the voice of truth, even when I didn’t want to hear it!! They welcomed me into their family and changed me for the better.  I have made friends and met a great man, who have been so supportive. This time would not have made sense without them. 

BUT all chapters must transition into the next chapter, and of course the people involved in this chapter will carry to the next. 

My transition begins in three weeks. Three weeks and I will be moving to San Jose, CA. I can barley believe it’s true. California has always been a dream of mine, from when I was little but especially after Jesse was born. I am so thankful to have received an offer from my company, memoryBlue, a few months back and now the oppurunity to be apart of the opening crew in their new location in CA. There are no words to describe my gratitude. I have always been under the belief that everything happens for a reason and we are exactly where we are supposed to be. I couldn’t feel more strongly about that today. This phrase does not happen without hard work, dedication and sometimes sacrifice but I believe with a combination of the three, we accomplish our true place in the universe. A little faith never hurt either. 

What does this mean for my open adoption? Honestly, it does not change much. Kim and I have previously spoke about the difference if I moved closer. We have a very open agreement as it is, something I am very thankful for. I’ll still be able to visit between 2-3 times every year. It is my hope that over the years it will evolve to more, given if Jesse wants to see me more and Kim is comfortable with it. For now, it means that when this visits come up, I can do it. I don’t have to worry about outrageous flights, uber rides and so on. It means a five hour drive. There were times this year when money was so tight, soooo tight, it meant sacrificing a trip. I don’t ever want to do that again, I can’t. I can’t let time pass and not be there. It is heart breaking. I already miss so much, and the thought of going so long again without seeing him.. I can’t even bare. 

This move may not change my arrangement but it changes my feelings. It provides comfort for me to be closer. It means I am living out my dreams, following my heart and being the woman my son will be proud of. It means I have the strength and ambition I had always known I had but forgot for a little bit along the way. 

What else magnificent does this move mean? I get to go on this journey with my best friend, my soul sister and my puzzle piece, Brittney. There is no one in the world I would rather experience this with. We’ve always told each other we were going to move mountains and change the world and now we get to do that together! 

You never know what tomorrow is going to bring. There is never certainty in anything. This is why I always take chances. I always follow my heart. When my mind is set, I don’t compromise it. I do whatever I can to achieve that. 

I made a promise to my son in the last few moments I had alone with him after he was born and before I headed to the airport back home. With uncontrollably tears and a gaze into his eyes I did not think could ever be broken, I promised him I would be back. I promised him I would love him unconditionally and always be his mother. I promised I would do everything I could to make sure he knew me and knew where he came from. I promised I would be strong. I promised him I would never take advantage of my ability to graduate college on track and create a life where I could some day provide for his possible birth-siblings. I promised to always love him and to always make that known to him. I also promised I would never come in between his relationship and bond with his mom, Kim. I promised I would always respect her and always love and cherish her. I promised him he would be number 1 and my biggest source of strength and pride. I will do everything in my power to keep every single promise I made him. There is no greater bond then the love of a mother and her child, a bond I will never put second and will never compromise. 

I couldn’t be more excited or proud to start this next chapter with strength, dignity and uncontrollable dedication. 

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone thru to achieve that beauty…

It seems as if I let time pass again. Time away from my blog. I have thought about it every day. I have thought every day that I should share this moment, share this thought, share this feeling with you, but I did not. I did not let you in. I did not share my happiness, my depression, my successes, my anything. But here I am, again, back to write the words I cannot say, and the feelings I do not show.
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Life is a constant revolving door, and wouldn’t you know, those scare the hell out of me. I do not know if they have always scared me, but I know they scare me now. I have come encounter with them a lot recently, and every time I hold my breath, close my eyes and push as fast as I can, just waiting for it to be over. I don’t know if this actually means something, or if it is just BS I am making up in my head, but in my head it is everything. To me it is my life, a revolving door that never stops. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, I am simply saying it can be scary. I find myself wondering sometimes “is the bad part over?”.

There are good days, GREAT days, bad days, and terrible days. Those days I can deal with, it’s the days where I feel like I am stuck in the in-between and I feel nothing. I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel happy. I feel numb. I feel numb to it all. It’s as if I finally stepped out of the revolving door and it isn’t what I thought it would be. I pause. I take a pause with life, with my emotions and with my actions. It’s moments like this that I am having tonight where I step out of the revolving door that I thought was so scary, because it was never ending, and I am stuck feeling numb. Sometimes I like those moments best. The moments where I forget that my life is my life and I can be normal for just a moment. Some people spend their whole lives trying to find those moments, and some people can’t stand those moments. I am somewhere in between. I do not want to live a life without my son, whether he is with me or not. Life is better with him, that I am sure of. But I can’t help but wonder sometimes what my life would be like had things been different. If I would have never been pregnant, would I still be where I am today? I wonder if my life would be as fulfilled and at the same time as sad. If I would have decided against adoption, where would I be today? I wonder if my son and I would be happy and content. I wonder all the time where we would be living and what we would be doing in that exact moment. I wonder if he would still laugh and smile the way he does. I like to think that he would, because the truth is he is me. He is apart of me. He always will be. I smile and I laugh, no matter what obstacles are in front of me. It is what makes me, me. That is something we will always have together, our constant love for smiling and for bringing happiness upon those around us.

I made the choice to place him for adoption, because in my heart it was the right thing to do. It is the right place for him. I have said it before, but I can’t help but bring it up again. For myself I will always regret my decision. I will always feel broken, like a piece of me is missing. I will always feel as if I drank the “coolaid” in the adoption world. I will always feel that I gave up. Was this the best decision for me? Hell no. I will spend many, many years going through that pain, I am not sure if it ever goes away, I have hope that it does. I have a vision that when my son is older we will have an unbreakable bond, like the one everyone tells me about, and the pain will slowly slip away. It will start to hurt less and less, because I’ll get to speak to him whenever he wants. I have a strong belief that he will want to speak to me too, and laugh with me and take silly pictures with me that I can hold onto during the periods between visitations. Was it the right decision for Jesse? Of course it was. He deserved more then I could offer him right now. He deserved a life of endless opportunities and happiness. I have always said that if love was enough, he would be with me. I may not get to see my son every day, hear his voice, watch him grow, watch him do the many firsts he has been doing, but I will always love him. I will always be apart of him and he will always be apart me. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing can ever change our connection with each other when we are near or far. That is one thing that will never go away or stop revolving.

Pain can be beautiful. It shapes us into the people we become. Pain made me strong, stronger then I ever was before. This experience has made me brave, and caused me to see the world through a different light. I have always been a positive and strong person, but I had never known true, god-awful, pain. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and we always end up where we are supposed to be, even if that somewhere is a scary revolving door…

Back again..

I feel like I have been away from my blog for years.. All of the emotions are pilled up inside me and I have been holding them in. Because of fear? Because of trying to leave the past in the past? I am not sure. The past few months have been a whirl wind. I moved across the country.. Running away from myself? Maybe. I like to think of it as a fresh start to be who ever I wanted. It does not matter where you are or where you go, it follows you. The pain and sorrow doesn’t ever leave. Although, just as much pain and sorrow I feel so much joy and gratitude. I feel joy for the life I am able to move. I was able to pick up and start again. I packed up my car and left my life behind to start a new one. It felt good. It felt powerful. I also feel gratitude for being able to know. I know my son is okay. I know he is living a great life. I see pictures of him. I hear and see videos of him laughing and walking and talking. I live with him through those moments. I get to live a life of discovery of myself and he gets to become who he was always meant and deserved to be.

There was a moment on my birthday, back in January, where I fell to the ground in tears. I could not hold it together. My friends and boyfriend threw a get together/house warming party for me/us and all I could think about and all I could talk about was not being with my son. I felt so much guilt and so much sorrow. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to see him and hold him and love him. But I couldn’t, so all I could do was cry. Crying so hard I couldn’t breath. I laid in the shower for an hour trying to make it stop, trying to handle it all alone. I just wanted the crying to stop, I wanted to feel better, even just for a moment and I would have been okay. I couldn’t do it. My boyfriend helped me into bed and held me while I cried. I cried in his arms, for what felt like hours. He held me and soothed me. I am glad I finally let love in because for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel like I had to take this on by myself. The father is not in the picture, never has. I have someone in my life who gets me and supports me through it. He doesn’t ask questions, he is just there. I used to think that no one would ever understand me, or get the moments I just needed to cry and be sad for a moment, but he does. It’s a holiday thing. We went through the first instance on Christmas Day. We had to leave my families get together because I just couldn’t do it. I needed a moment to be sad, and I feel okay with that. I don’t deny my feelings anymore. If I want to cry about it, I do. If I want to smile about it, I smile. If I want to talk about it, I talk about it. I let it happen, as it happens. I finally have a support system that lets me and that is beautiful.

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Another Morning

I woke up this morning around 6:00. In this past year I have had a mental alarm clock ring right around that time every day. Some mornings I wake up use the bathroom and go back to bed, others I’m up for the day. This morning felt different. I woke up drank a glass of water went to use the bathroom and just stopped. I stopped in front of the mirror having a weird feeling. I turned my head away and used the bathroom, and then went back in front of the mirror. It felt like I was in a daze that I couldn’t shake myself out of. I was confused looking at my reflection. I started to feel a little sad. Although I was unsure why.. Sometimes I get like this, for no apparent reason at the moment. I later on find out from Kim that something happened with Jesse, most of the time all good things. Call me crazy, but it’s almost as if my body knows. There is a connection unlike any other between mother and child, as I write this with tears racing down my face.

I remember thinking my mom was crazy when she would tell me she called because “she had a feeling” something was wrong or going on. Even to this day when I’m having a hard time or something has gone terribly wrong, she’ll text me out of the blue. She is not the best communicator, but in those moments she knows. A mother knows. Although, this is not a feeling of fear for me in this moment, it is a feeling of being in the unknown. I KNOW my son is being loved and taken care of, I KNOW what he looks like, but what sounds did he make today? What words is he forming today? Is he running around the house yet? In this exact moment is he sound asleep or eating or playing? It’s the unknown. I don’t know. That moment takes over me often. It used to happen all day, regardless of my whereabouts. I would start thinking about it and tear up and become very saddened. Now, it is mostly in the mornings and nights. All day I think about him, because everything reminds me of him but it doesn’t become a daze all of the time anymore. Now, a lot of times when I think of him I laugh. I laugh about the times we shared in my visits or the pictures I have of him from Kim. It isn’t always a bad emotion and honestly I don’t think any of it is “bad” emotion. I think it is natural emotion.

Side bar, as I’m writing this I took a second looked down and realized I am wearing the exact pajama combination I wore when my water broke. I big baggy t-shirt and silky crop baggy bottoms.. The daze. I understand it now. That September 9th, 5:30 am morning was unlike any other and I’ll treasure that warm sensation of labor beginning for ever.

The bonds are strong. I’ll never forget leaving Kim’s home this past visit.. I had been there for four days, not full days, but I think she was ready to get back to life as usual. When my Uber pulled up to take me to the airport I grabbed my stuff and was slowly walking out. I said good-bye a million times, told Jesse I loved him over and over and hugged him over and over again, although I still feel as if I should a have given one more. I am walking out of the door with my back facing the street and facing them at the door and Jesse starts to cry/scream reaching for me as I have to say goodbye. I didn’t even know how to handle that situation, I just looked at him and said I would see him soon and that I loved him. Now, maybe he was crying because that’s what babies do when people leave, but I felt it inside of me. I felt the sadness of saying goodbye, for him and myself. He grew inside of me for 9 full months… The only comfort he knew was me, and I know that he feels that when I am near and even when I am far. We are connected in a way that no one else will ever be connected, and when I start fearing the unknown I remember that. It becomes less fearful. I start just imagining him doing all the things I’m wondering if he is doing. I start thinking about his smile and his active spirt. My mind is at ease. Yes, I do not have the answers to my questions but the most important question is already answered. Did he wake up loved and taken care of? Yes.

Ready to Come Clean

Every day I read moving articles, articles that inspire me and others to share our stories and to be better. Every day I wonder why I hide behind an “internship in LA”, “visiting good friends” and “oh, that’s my friend’s baby on my background”. I want to come clean, I want to share my story and I want to help other men and women through this. I want people to know how beautiful adoption is, and how open it can be. My story is unlike any other I have ever heard of. I want it to become the new normal, because when we push down the walls and let go of the fear it creates the most loving and trustworthy environment for a child, in my opinion.

About a month ago I had someone tell me that I was the “worst person ever”, I was “selfish” and so many other terrible unimaginable. This person said these things out loud to me because I placed my son for adoption and I have a relationship with him. He told me I need to leave my son alone. Yes, I know that everyone is initialed to their opinion, the fact that it was my boss, ex boss now, made him not entitled to it, but how can these words come out of someones mouth? For a few weeks I believe him. I became so lost in my life. He made me feel like I had feared people would make me feel if it was out in the open. This man made me question my decision and my reason for waking up every day, to do big things for my son. He pushed me into a dark place, a place I didn’t think I could get out of, a place even if I did get out of I knew it wouldn’t be on my own. I feel so blessed to have the friends and family I do. They knew and they were there. They were there to pull me out of my room when I just wanted to lay in a dark room for days. They were ultimately there when I had to make a decision: continue to live there and not know the fate of my life or get out and start over. Thank god they were there. It took about 3 seconds of convincing me to move to the East Coast from Minneapolis. There was a window in my lease, which never happens, and a friend who wanted to pack up and move across the country for a fresh start. It was perfect. All of the pain I was feeling there went away, talking about it now still tugs a little bit, but everything that man did to me felt so far away. I knew I wasn’t in the same city as him, I knew I wasn’t near anyone who had relations with him, it was over. I could start living again and not in the depressed state I was in.

I think about what this man did to me and it makes me wonder how many other women have gone through the same exact thing, and how many other women had anyone to speak to about it or relate too, whether it came from a boss, friend, family member or stranger on social media. I am positive there are women everywhere going through the same thing. I want to speak to these women. I want to share my story of how I turned my life around and not just from what this man did, but after the adoption. I want to share that open adoption is okay, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to know your child after they are born and as they grow. I also want to tell them that we are in this together, we are not alone. We need to be strong for each other and for our children. I can’t hide behind lies anymore. I can’t see pain and know that I can help someone through it but I am to scared of what someone might say to me. I know I did what was right by my son and at the end of the day, what else matters?

So, time to come clean. But how?….

MSP 2 LAX

My son turned 1 last week. 1 year old. Where did the time go? I now understand what people say about time flying so fast when you have children. I swear it was as if he was just born, I closed my eyes and now he is 1. And he is the best 1 year old!

I am sitting in an airport right now headed to his birthday party in LA. My last few visits to LA to see him have been short, one day or a few hours, this time it is a three day trip. Three days with my son. Three days to take in every scent, sound and movement. I am so nervous and so excited. Nervous to see him and his family. I don’t want to be a let down to them. I just had to leave me job because of a horrible situation that occurred and now I am going to see them and I have to tell them I already left my fist “grown up” job. I know they will understand the reasoning for leaving it, but it’s frustrating. I do everything I can, everyday, to make them proud and him proud. My days aren’t about me and they haven’t been for almost two years. I don’t wake up in the morning and say what can I do to fulfill myself today, I say what can I do to fulfill my son and his family today. What can I do to make them proud of the woman they know as Hopey. Ah. It’s time to put a show on and act as if my life is going amazing. And maybe it is, maybe everything going on is the best thing for me.

I do not need to have a pity party. I am done doing that right now. Honestly though, most of the people in my life couldn’t tell you the first or last problem going on in my life. Most of them would tell you that I am always happy and nothing ever gets me down, or nothing major is happening. I put on a front because I do not want anyone to see me vulnerable, because what would happen then? Would I let people in and allow them to see that I do have more then just sunshine and rainbows. Now, it is not to say I act unrealistic or naive. I just do not see why I should put my problems on anyone else and weigh down their life. We all know that people are going through things, and who am I to put my stuff on top of that. I do not cry in front of people. I do not scream in front of people. I do not talk about the deep issues I struggle with every day. The most ironic part about this is that this is an anonymous blog. Very few people know about this blog, maybe two people. I won’t even share this with them. I can’t be seen as weak. I can’t be seen as weak because then what would happen? Almost every friend I have ever had has tried to take advantage of me as it is, can you imagine if I showed this vulnerable side? What would happen? I run from confrontation, most of the time, and my friends and family know that. Friends I have had for years think I do not realize they are doing it. Well, I do. But that is besides the point. It is on my mind right now, but that is not the important thing right now.

I need to focus on that beautiful baby boy, the most beautiful boy. It is his weekend! Although, I have a very strong feeling every weekend and every day is always his. He is a lucky little boy to have the world at his feet and the most amazing family to provide it for him. I am grateful to be part of it, even it is only for a weekend a few times a year. Here is to Jesse and the happiness of this weekend and the rest of all of our days!

Love

Sometimes I think that the only love I’ll ever need is the love of my son. I think that will be enough. I have spent the last few years of my life running away from anything that even showed a hint of truth. Even before he come along, I ran. I would use sex to feel fulfilled. That would be the fix I would use for that piece I didn’t want to chase after. Whether it was sex once a year, or a a regular thing, I used that. I remember so vividly the last time I really felt love from a man. Now, it seems like it was a life time ago. I sometimes think that love tainted me. I don’t know why. It was a great love, but a love that had bad strings attached. It was a young love, a love that blinded me from everything else going on around it. He became my life. It became all about him and wanting to be with him. I think that might partly scare me from it. I let it take over my life, and ya know, honestly, I think that it was an okay thing to happen. He changed my world. He made me more happy but at the same time so helpless. I felt I needed him to be happy and that he held that happiness. It was a time in both of our lives where we were young and wild. We made decisions we probably shouldn’t have and that caused us to hurt each other as well. I can remember him going back home for christmas, and right before he left we had sex for the first time and used the “L” word to each other. When he came back from that trip I was all of the sudden deleted off Facebook and I couldn’t understand why. Well, it turns out he had a whole different life going on back home. There was a girl before me, and then I showed up and messed things up, or at least made them confusing. It was heart breaking, but I still held on. I held on to him and thought I could just look past it. I thought maybe if he knew how much it hurt me, he would say sorry and end it. Well, we all know life is never that simple, and they continued to be together for a little bit, eventually it ended, but the worst part was I STAYED. I decided that it didn’t matter to me what life he had back home, because he was here now and I was there now. I wanted to live in the now and I wanted to be with him. He made me smitten in ways I had never felt smitten before. It was a very confusing time. In the end they ended and we stuck. We were together for months after that ordeal. It was some of the best months in my love life yet. He made me happy in all the ways needed. Sexually, we had chemistry like I have not felt since. Emotionally, we connected on such a deep level, that I still have not found someone I connected with that deep. Well, I take that back, kind of, I think, my Hawaii trip brought about a whole new side of me, but that post will come next! He fulfilled me and treated me like a princess when we were together, and I treated him well, not because I had to or he had too but because we both wanted too. We both wanted to make each other happy, and we did. He played hockey in my home town and with that comes a season ending and a man on a plane back home, far away from MN. He was from NY and at the end of the season was headed back there. On the day he left he brought me flowers and asked me to be official with him, to try and make things work long-distance. In my heart I wanted it, I wanted it more then anything in the world. My head on the other hand thought of Christmas when he went home for a week and came back in relationship. I didn’t want to go through that again, and be that woman who stays. So, I said I wanted to see how things went while he was home. This is where the running began, well it started far before this but not as bad. I remember being in Indiana, and then bam, all the sudden I quit answering his calls, texts, Skype calls, EVERYTHING. Out of the blue. It wasn’t like he did something or anything, I just stopped. I still don’t know the exact reason, but I see one thing now, that was the beginning of the end. The end being my love life. It wasn’t even a conscious thing, it just happened, and has continued to happen over the years. I don’t blame that man, I think he is amazing. I still keep in contact with him, randomly, but it’s there. He had a hockey tournament in the twin cities my sophomore year of college and I still remember the feeling I got when I went and picked him up and brought him to my apartment. It was the first time I had seen him in two years, and all of those feelings came back. It felt so good to be with him, I felt whole again for the first time in a long time. We had made plans to hangout the next day and I panicked. It was New Years Eve, and I had planned on staying sober so I could go get him, I didn’t. I couldn’t. I couldn’t let myself feel that, in that moment I wouldn’t let myself. He must have been feeling the same way, because he changed his mind as well. He “got busy”, just as I “got busy”. How ironic, right. Every time we talk now, we speak about that time, how we both wished we would have seen each other one more time. We both still speak about our paths crossing again, and for some reason I believe they will. I am not sure how, but I think they will. We had a connection so deep and so special, it would be a shame if they didn’t cross again. 

Anyways, that was a long story, I was going to make short, but failed. This was the beginning of my “hard core” running. The running that was caused me to lose friends and lovers. It is a habit I can’t seem to kick. I run before things get to serious, or before I think I may get hurt. I sometimes think that I truly believe that all lovers and friends that come into my life are going to hurt me. I am in constant fear that today will be the end or something bad is going to happen. I wish I could kick that fear. I do not want to end a friendship or relationship because of this anymore. I want to be that person that can be counted on and someone who lets love in, not pushes it away. I am tired of making that one night stand make me feel fulfilled on love for as much time as needed. I am tired of meeting a great guy and never calling him again. I am tired of sticking around with the wrong men because I know I will never like them enough for them to hurt me. Most of all, I am tired of having a great man in my life and running away as quick as I can. I am working on this, and I will keep you all updated on the progress I make and how I get there. I want a great love… Even if it ends in heart break, I want a great love, a BIG LOVE. 

Wheels up..

Here I am.. Sitting at the airport waiting to board my flight. A flight that was a gift, an amazing gift. The gift came from Kim and her family, my sons mom. I am still sitting here in shock. I can’t believe this is real. I set alarm after alarms this morning, to make sure I would wake up. I moved in to my first “grown up” apartment yesterday, so to say I am exhausted would be a LARGE understatement. I woke up at 7 and my first thought was “why am I up so early?”. It took me a second to register that today was the day. Today’s the day I am going on the trip of a lifetime, a trip most people dream about. I spoke about swimming with dolphins when I was living with Kim before my son was born. It was almost an obsession, and has been most of my life. I am fascinated by them. I also love water. I would rather be in water then anywhere else.

Kim called me about a month ago and told me about the trip. Her family and her wanted to give me something to celebrate my graduation from college. When she called I could not even speak. I didn’t even know what to say. I was just in awe and shock. It was an amazing moment.

I decided to go by myself. I had tossed around the option of someone else coming and it looked unappealing. I would have loved Kim and Jesse to come, but this time that wasn’t an option. Kim has taught me about self love and self worth since the very first day I met her. When she gave me the trip she described it as being a trip to celebrate me and my achievements, a trip where I can feel loved and celebrated. I never really got the time to reflect and rewind on my life. After Jesse was born I moved back home and started an internship and job almost instantly, and since then my life has been non stop. I never got to sit back and relax and really take in life and what had just come about. I didn’t get to celebrate the birth of my son, or mourn the loss of his constant presence. Not even just life revolving around Jesse, but I have been so busy the last year that I am forgetting who I am and the values that I hold. I have been so preoccupied with my busy life that I have no time for myself. That is what this trip is about. Reflecting, relaxing, and releasing any feelings I have inside of me. I do not have to worry about pleasing anyone else but myself. I can do as much as I want or as little as I want. I hold the cards, just as I hold the cards in my life. I am more then excited to spend the week celebrating me and what my life has become. Of course, I know there will be tears. I am prepared for that. I also know there will be smiling. 

Well, they just called my zone. So, wish me luck on this week long journey of reflection and relaxation.