Tag Archives: beautiful

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone thru to achieve that beauty…

It seems as if I let time pass again. Time away from my blog. I have thought about it every day. I have thought every day that I should share this moment, share this thought, share this feeling with you, but I did not. I did not let you in. I did not share my happiness, my depression, my successes, my anything. But here I am, again, back to write the words I cannot say, and the feelings I do not show.
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Life is a constant revolving door, and wouldn’t you know, those scare the hell out of me. I do not know if they have always scared me, but I know they scare me now. I have come encounter with them a lot recently, and every time I hold my breath, close my eyes and push as fast as I can, just waiting for it to be over. I don’t know if this actually means something, or if it is just BS I am making up in my head, but in my head it is everything. To me it is my life, a revolving door that never stops. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, I am simply saying it can be scary. I find myself wondering sometimes “is the bad part over?”.

There are good days, GREAT days, bad days, and terrible days. Those days I can deal with, it’s the days where I feel like I am stuck in the in-between and I feel nothing. I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel happy. I feel numb. I feel numb to it all. It’s as if I finally stepped out of the revolving door and it isn’t what I thought it would be. I pause. I take a pause with life, with my emotions and with my actions. It’s moments like this that I am having tonight where I step out of the revolving door that I thought was so scary, because it was never ending, and I am stuck feeling numb. Sometimes I like those moments best. The moments where I forget that my life is my life and I can be normal for just a moment. Some people spend their whole lives trying to find those moments, and some people can’t stand those moments. I am somewhere in between. I do not want to live a life without my son, whether he is with me or not. Life is better with him, that I am sure of. But I can’t help but wonder sometimes what my life would be like had things been different. If I would have never been pregnant, would I still be where I am today? I wonder if my life would be as fulfilled and at the same time as sad. If I would have decided against adoption, where would I be today? I wonder if my son and I would be happy and content. I wonder all the time where we would be living and what we would be doing in that exact moment. I wonder if he would still laugh and smile the way he does. I like to think that he would, because the truth is he is me. He is apart of me. He always will be. I smile and I laugh, no matter what obstacles are in front of me. It is what makes me, me. That is something we will always have together, our constant love for smiling and for bringing happiness upon those around us.

I made the choice to place him for adoption, because in my heart it was the right thing to do. It is the right place for him. I have said it before, but I can’t help but bring it up again. For myself I will always regret my decision. I will always feel broken, like a piece of me is missing. I will always feel as if I drank the “coolaid” in the adoption world. I will always feel that I gave up. Was this the best decision for me? Hell no. I will spend many, many years going through that pain, I am not sure if it ever goes away, I have hope that it does. I have a vision that when my son is older we will have an unbreakable bond, like the one everyone tells me about, and the pain will slowly slip away. It will start to hurt less and less, because I’ll get to speak to him whenever he wants. I have a strong belief that he will want to speak to me too, and laugh with me and take silly pictures with me that I can hold onto during the periods between visitations. Was it the right decision for Jesse? Of course it was. He deserved more then I could offer him right now. He deserved a life of endless opportunities and happiness. I have always said that if love was enough, he would be with me. I may not get to see my son every day, hear his voice, watch him grow, watch him do the many firsts he has been doing, but I will always love him. I will always be apart of him and he will always be apart me. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing can ever change our connection with each other when we are near or far. That is one thing that will never go away or stop revolving.

Pain can be beautiful. It shapes us into the people we become. Pain made me strong, stronger then I ever was before. This experience has made me brave, and caused me to see the world through a different light. I have always been a positive and strong person, but I had never known true, god-awful, pain. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and we always end up where we are supposed to be, even if that somewhere is a scary revolving door…

Ready to Come Clean

Every day I read moving articles, articles that inspire me and others to share our stories and to be better. Every day I wonder why I hide behind an “internship in LA”, “visiting good friends” and “oh, that’s my friend’s baby on my background”. I want to come clean, I want to share my story and I want to help other men and women through this. I want people to know how beautiful adoption is, and how open it can be. My story is unlike any other I have ever heard of. I want it to become the new normal, because when we push down the walls and let go of the fear it creates the most loving and trustworthy environment for a child, in my opinion.

About a month ago I had someone tell me that I was the “worst person ever”, I was “selfish” and so many other terrible unimaginable. This person said these things out loud to me because I placed my son for adoption and I have a relationship with him. He told me I need to leave my son alone. Yes, I know that everyone is initialed to their opinion, the fact that it was my boss, ex boss now, made him not entitled to it, but how can these words come out of someones mouth? For a few weeks I believe him. I became so lost in my life. He made me feel like I had feared people would make me feel if it was out in the open. This man made me question my decision and my reason for waking up every day, to do big things for my son. He pushed me into a dark place, a place I didn’t think I could get out of, a place even if I did get out of I knew it wouldn’t be on my own. I feel so blessed to have the friends and family I do. They knew and they were there. They were there to pull me out of my room when I just wanted to lay in a dark room for days. They were ultimately there when I had to make a decision: continue to live there and not know the fate of my life or get out and start over. Thank god they were there. It took about 3 seconds of convincing me to move to the East Coast from Minneapolis. There was a window in my lease, which never happens, and a friend who wanted to pack up and move across the country for a fresh start. It was perfect. All of the pain I was feeling there went away, talking about it now still tugs a little bit, but everything that man did to me felt so far away. I knew I wasn’t in the same city as him, I knew I wasn’t near anyone who had relations with him, it was over. I could start living again and not in the depressed state I was in.

I think about what this man did to me and it makes me wonder how many other women have gone through the same exact thing, and how many other women had anyone to speak to about it or relate too, whether it came from a boss, friend, family member or stranger on social media. I am positive there are women everywhere going through the same thing. I want to speak to these women. I want to share my story of how I turned my life around and not just from what this man did, but after the adoption. I want to share that open adoption is okay, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to know your child after they are born and as they grow. I also want to tell them that we are in this together, we are not alone. We need to be strong for each other and for our children. I can’t hide behind lies anymore. I can’t see pain and know that I can help someone through it but I am to scared of what someone might say to me. I know I did what was right by my son and at the end of the day, what else matters?

So, time to come clean. But how?….

MSP 2 LAX

My son turned 1 last week. 1 year old. Where did the time go? I now understand what people say about time flying so fast when you have children. I swear it was as if he was just born, I closed my eyes and now he is 1. And he is the best 1 year old!

I am sitting in an airport right now headed to his birthday party in LA. My last few visits to LA to see him have been short, one day or a few hours, this time it is a three day trip. Three days with my son. Three days to take in every scent, sound and movement. I am so nervous and so excited. Nervous to see him and his family. I don’t want to be a let down to them. I just had to leave me job because of a horrible situation that occurred and now I am going to see them and I have to tell them I already left my fist “grown up” job. I know they will understand the reasoning for leaving it, but it’s frustrating. I do everything I can, everyday, to make them proud and him proud. My days aren’t about me and they haven’t been for almost two years. I don’t wake up in the morning and say what can I do to fulfill myself today, I say what can I do to fulfill my son and his family today. What can I do to make them proud of the woman they know as Hopey. Ah. It’s time to put a show on and act as if my life is going amazing. And maybe it is, maybe everything going on is the best thing for me.

I do not need to have a pity party. I am done doing that right now. Honestly though, most of the people in my life couldn’t tell you the first or last problem going on in my life. Most of them would tell you that I am always happy and nothing ever gets me down, or nothing major is happening. I put on a front because I do not want anyone to see me vulnerable, because what would happen then? Would I let people in and allow them to see that I do have more then just sunshine and rainbows. Now, it is not to say I act unrealistic or naive. I just do not see why I should put my problems on anyone else and weigh down their life. We all know that people are going through things, and who am I to put my stuff on top of that. I do not cry in front of people. I do not scream in front of people. I do not talk about the deep issues I struggle with every day. The most ironic part about this is that this is an anonymous blog. Very few people know about this blog, maybe two people. I won’t even share this with them. I can’t be seen as weak. I can’t be seen as weak because then what would happen? Almost every friend I have ever had has tried to take advantage of me as it is, can you imagine if I showed this vulnerable side? What would happen? I run from confrontation, most of the time, and my friends and family know that. Friends I have had for years think I do not realize they are doing it. Well, I do. But that is besides the point. It is on my mind right now, but that is not the important thing right now.

I need to focus on that beautiful baby boy, the most beautiful boy. It is his weekend! Although, I have a very strong feeling every weekend and every day is always his. He is a lucky little boy to have the world at his feet and the most amazing family to provide it for him. I am grateful to be part of it, even it is only for a weekend a few times a year. Here is to Jesse and the happiness of this weekend and the rest of all of our days!