Tag Archives: birthmother

Home.

I always let time get the best of me.. I get too busy or I think what I have to say doesn’t matter. I feel that no matter what I say or do no one will truly see the real me or the real feelings. I feel that way more then ever today. I can’t get across my feelings without feeling so upset, that I push away the people who matter most. I have to stop myself and wonder am I so upset because what they are saying is true or because they don’t know the real me…

It is a constant battle every time. It doesn’t matter what the battle is about, but it’s always there. It has been for years. When I look at myself I see a successful woman trying to make the best of the time I have here. I see myself as someone not afraid to take risks or stand up for what I believe in. I am starting to think that being that way is not okay.. I am starting to think that being this way alienates me and puts me on the battle field with ones who are close. I don’t know how to be myself around the people who have known me my whole life. I feel like I don’t belong and I don’t know why. Is it me? Am I the issue?

How do I become a person that they can be proud of? What do I need to do? I am not perfect, far from it. I make mistakes all the time, but I try to learn from them and be better. What if I am not being better? What if I am just going in a circle of decisions that really don’t better me.

I thought moving to California would solve everything. I thought it would bring me peace to be close to my son and in a new environment. I thought this was where I belonged. I am starting to see that all I am doing is running. I am running from myself and my past. I am learning that being in California does not really mean I am close to my son. It means I am a 4 hour drive, that I can’t make. I knew that coming out here, but I think in my mind I thought it would be bring me peace to be closer. All it has done is create frustration that I am so close, yet so far away. I can’t just jump in my car and see him, and I knew that before I moved out here. But that doesn’t make it an easier.

At the end of the day it all steams back from the day I made the decision to go the route I did, adoption. That day my fate was set. I fear I will spend the rest of my life chasing a feeling or a place that doesn’t exists. I see people everyday having major life moments, having babies, getting engaged, buying homes and I feel lost. I feel like those things are not attainable for me. I feel as if I gave up the right to want those things and to let those things happen. I think I run because in my mind I have too. I am supposed to be out living my life, and I am, but at what costs. How do I stop chasing a place and a feeling that doesn’t exist and never will. I will never be the person I was before that day, and I am okay with that. How do I find the peace of mind in finding home, because right now I don’t know where that is or how to find it…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

West Coast Ready

There was never a doubt in my mind that I would end up closer to my son, after he was born at least. I remember back when I was searching for his forever family and I wanted them to be as far away as possible. I wanted an open adoption but I didn’t think I could bear being so close to him. As my belly grew bigger and the movements became stronger, my feelings towards this idea started to change. There was one problem, I had already feel in love with a family and they were across the country. I knew this woman had to be his mom. I couldn’t change that and I did not want too. So, my mind was made up, I would find a way back to him.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. You gave up that right, and I know that, whole heartily I know. It’s not about crossing a line and showing up every day, or every weekend. That’s not what I long for. Would I love that? Of course. Is that fair to his mom? No. I would never want to cross a boundary. I put myself in her shoes all the time and think “if I were her how would I feel about this”. What I really long for is closeness. I long for knowing that if we agree on a visit I can jump in my car and go. If I long for a memory, I can jump in my car and go back to some of the places that I hold memories with him. It is one thing to have them in your mind, the memories are always in my mind, but to be there and smell the air and take myself back.. There are no words to describe that longing I have. 

My life journey brought me to the East Coast last October, even further away. It was something I needed to do for my growth and to really discover who I am and who I want to be. I would never take back my choice to come to Virginia, as my life has been changed for the better because of it. My family out here has inspired me to be the best version of myself, to help others, to work hard and never give up. I can’t put enough value on the way they have changed my outlooks. My Aunt B puts everyone first, is always doing anything she can for her children and works her a$$ off to provide for them. She is one of the toughest women I know. My Uncle T.. There aren’t great enough words to describe him. Always the voice of truth, even when I didn’t want to hear it!! They welcomed me into their family and changed me for the better.  I have made friends and met a great man, who have been so supportive. This time would not have made sense without them. 

BUT all chapters must transition into the next chapter, and of course the people involved in this chapter will carry to the next. 

My transition begins in three weeks. Three weeks and I will be moving to San Jose, CA. I can barley believe it’s true. California has always been a dream of mine, from when I was little but especially after Jesse was born. I am so thankful to have received an offer from my company, memoryBlue, a few months back and now the oppurunity to be apart of the opening crew in their new location in CA. There are no words to describe my gratitude. I have always been under the belief that everything happens for a reason and we are exactly where we are supposed to be. I couldn’t feel more strongly about that today. This phrase does not happen without hard work, dedication and sometimes sacrifice but I believe with a combination of the three, we accomplish our true place in the universe. A little faith never hurt either. 

What does this mean for my open adoption? Honestly, it does not change much. Kim and I have previously spoke about the difference if I moved closer. We have a very open agreement as it is, something I am very thankful for. I’ll still be able to visit between 2-3 times every year. It is my hope that over the years it will evolve to more, given if Jesse wants to see me more and Kim is comfortable with it. For now, it means that when this visits come up, I can do it. I don’t have to worry about outrageous flights, uber rides and so on. It means a five hour drive. There were times this year when money was so tight, soooo tight, it meant sacrificing a trip. I don’t ever want to do that again, I can’t. I can’t let time pass and not be there. It is heart breaking. I already miss so much, and the thought of going so long again without seeing him.. I can’t even bare. 

This move may not change my arrangement but it changes my feelings. It provides comfort for me to be closer. It means I am living out my dreams, following my heart and being the woman my son will be proud of. It means I have the strength and ambition I had always known I had but forgot for a little bit along the way. 

What else magnificent does this move mean? I get to go on this journey with my best friend, my soul sister and my puzzle piece, Brittney. There is no one in the world I would rather experience this with. We’ve always told each other we were going to move mountains and change the world and now we get to do that together! 

You never know what tomorrow is going to bring. There is never certainty in anything. This is why I always take chances. I always follow my heart. When my mind is set, I don’t compromise it. I do whatever I can to achieve that. 

I made a promise to my son in the last few moments I had alone with him after he was born and before I headed to the airport back home. With uncontrollably tears and a gaze into his eyes I did not think could ever be broken, I promised him I would be back. I promised him I would love him unconditionally and always be his mother. I promised I would do everything I could to make sure he knew me and knew where he came from. I promised I would be strong. I promised him I would never take advantage of my ability to graduate college on track and create a life where I could some day provide for his possible birth-siblings. I promised to always love him and to always make that known to him. I also promised I would never come in between his relationship and bond with his mom, Kim. I promised I would always respect her and always love and cherish her. I promised him he would be number 1 and my biggest source of strength and pride. I will do everything in my power to keep every single promise I made him. There is no greater bond then the love of a mother and her child, a bond I will never put second and will never compromise. 

I couldn’t be more excited or proud to start this next chapter with strength, dignity and uncontrollable dedication. 

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone thru to achieve that beauty…

It seems as if I let time pass again. Time away from my blog. I have thought about it every day. I have thought every day that I should share this moment, share this thought, share this feeling with you, but I did not. I did not let you in. I did not share my happiness, my depression, my successes, my anything. But here I am, again, back to write the words I cannot say, and the feelings I do not show.
___________________

Life is a constant revolving door, and wouldn’t you know, those scare the hell out of me. I do not know if they have always scared me, but I know they scare me now. I have come encounter with them a lot recently, and every time I hold my breath, close my eyes and push as fast as I can, just waiting for it to be over. I don’t know if this actually means something, or if it is just BS I am making up in my head, but in my head it is everything. To me it is my life, a revolving door that never stops. I am not saying that it is a bad thing, I am simply saying it can be scary. I find myself wondering sometimes “is the bad part over?”.

There are good days, GREAT days, bad days, and terrible days. Those days I can deal with, it’s the days where I feel like I am stuck in the in-between and I feel nothing. I don’t feel sad. I don’t feel happy. I feel numb. I feel numb to it all. It’s as if I finally stepped out of the revolving door and it isn’t what I thought it would be. I pause. I take a pause with life, with my emotions and with my actions. It’s moments like this that I am having tonight where I step out of the revolving door that I thought was so scary, because it was never ending, and I am stuck feeling numb. Sometimes I like those moments best. The moments where I forget that my life is my life and I can be normal for just a moment. Some people spend their whole lives trying to find those moments, and some people can’t stand those moments. I am somewhere in between. I do not want to live a life without my son, whether he is with me or not. Life is better with him, that I am sure of. But I can’t help but wonder sometimes what my life would be like had things been different. If I would have never been pregnant, would I still be where I am today? I wonder if my life would be as fulfilled and at the same time as sad. If I would have decided against adoption, where would I be today? I wonder if my son and I would be happy and content. I wonder all the time where we would be living and what we would be doing in that exact moment. I wonder if he would still laugh and smile the way he does. I like to think that he would, because the truth is he is me. He is apart of me. He always will be. I smile and I laugh, no matter what obstacles are in front of me. It is what makes me, me. That is something we will always have together, our constant love for smiling and for bringing happiness upon those around us.

I made the choice to place him for adoption, because in my heart it was the right thing to do. It is the right place for him. I have said it before, but I can’t help but bring it up again. For myself I will always regret my decision. I will always feel broken, like a piece of me is missing. I will always feel as if I drank the “coolaid” in the adoption world. I will always feel that I gave up. Was this the best decision for me? Hell no. I will spend many, many years going through that pain, I am not sure if it ever goes away, I have hope that it does. I have a vision that when my son is older we will have an unbreakable bond, like the one everyone tells me about, and the pain will slowly slip away. It will start to hurt less and less, because I’ll get to speak to him whenever he wants. I have a strong belief that he will want to speak to me too, and laugh with me and take silly pictures with me that I can hold onto during the periods between visitations. Was it the right decision for Jesse? Of course it was. He deserved more then I could offer him right now. He deserved a life of endless opportunities and happiness. I have always said that if love was enough, he would be with me. I may not get to see my son every day, hear his voice, watch him grow, watch him do the many firsts he has been doing, but I will always love him. I will always be apart of him and he will always be apart me. Nothing can ever change that. Nothing can ever change our connection with each other when we are near or far. That is one thing that will never go away or stop revolving.

Pain can be beautiful. It shapes us into the people we become. Pain made me strong, stronger then I ever was before. This experience has made me brave, and caused me to see the world through a different light. I have always been a positive and strong person, but I had never known true, god-awful, pain. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, and we always end up where we are supposed to be, even if that somewhere is a scary revolving door…

Back again..

I feel like I have been away from my blog for years.. All of the emotions are pilled up inside me and I have been holding them in. Because of fear? Because of trying to leave the past in the past? I am not sure. The past few months have been a whirl wind. I moved across the country.. Running away from myself? Maybe. I like to think of it as a fresh start to be who ever I wanted. It does not matter where you are or where you go, it follows you. The pain and sorrow doesn’t ever leave. Although, just as much pain and sorrow I feel so much joy and gratitude. I feel joy for the life I am able to move. I was able to pick up and start again. I packed up my car and left my life behind to start a new one. It felt good. It felt powerful. I also feel gratitude for being able to know. I know my son is okay. I know he is living a great life. I see pictures of him. I hear and see videos of him laughing and walking and talking. I live with him through those moments. I get to live a life of discovery of myself and he gets to become who he was always meant and deserved to be.

There was a moment on my birthday, back in January, where I fell to the ground in tears. I could not hold it together. My friends and boyfriend threw a get together/house warming party for me/us and all I could think about and all I could talk about was not being with my son. I felt so much guilt and so much sorrow. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to see him and hold him and love him. But I couldn’t, so all I could do was cry. Crying so hard I couldn’t breath. I laid in the shower for an hour trying to make it stop, trying to handle it all alone. I just wanted the crying to stop, I wanted to feel better, even just for a moment and I would have been okay. I couldn’t do it. My boyfriend helped me into bed and held me while I cried. I cried in his arms, for what felt like hours. He held me and soothed me. I am glad I finally let love in because for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel like I had to take this on by myself. The father is not in the picture, never has. I have someone in my life who gets me and supports me through it. He doesn’t ask questions, he is just there. I used to think that no one would ever understand me, or get the moments I just needed to cry and be sad for a moment, but he does. It’s a holiday thing. We went through the first instance on Christmas Day. We had to leave my families get together because I just couldn’t do it. I needed a moment to be sad, and I feel okay with that. I don’t deny my feelings anymore. If I want to cry about it, I do. If I want to smile about it, I smile. If I want to talk about it, I talk about it. I let it happen, as it happens. I finally have a support system that lets me and that is beautiful.

__________________________

Ready to Come Clean

Every day I read moving articles, articles that inspire me and others to share our stories and to be better. Every day I wonder why I hide behind an “internship in LA”, “visiting good friends” and “oh, that’s my friend’s baby on my background”. I want to come clean, I want to share my story and I want to help other men and women through this. I want people to know how beautiful adoption is, and how open it can be. My story is unlike any other I have ever heard of. I want it to become the new normal, because when we push down the walls and let go of the fear it creates the most loving and trustworthy environment for a child, in my opinion.

About a month ago I had someone tell me that I was the “worst person ever”, I was “selfish” and so many other terrible unimaginable. This person said these things out loud to me because I placed my son for adoption and I have a relationship with him. He told me I need to leave my son alone. Yes, I know that everyone is initialed to their opinion, the fact that it was my boss, ex boss now, made him not entitled to it, but how can these words come out of someones mouth? For a few weeks I believe him. I became so lost in my life. He made me feel like I had feared people would make me feel if it was out in the open. This man made me question my decision and my reason for waking up every day, to do big things for my son. He pushed me into a dark place, a place I didn’t think I could get out of, a place even if I did get out of I knew it wouldn’t be on my own. I feel so blessed to have the friends and family I do. They knew and they were there. They were there to pull me out of my room when I just wanted to lay in a dark room for days. They were ultimately there when I had to make a decision: continue to live there and not know the fate of my life or get out and start over. Thank god they were there. It took about 3 seconds of convincing me to move to the East Coast from Minneapolis. There was a window in my lease, which never happens, and a friend who wanted to pack up and move across the country for a fresh start. It was perfect. All of the pain I was feeling there went away, talking about it now still tugs a little bit, but everything that man did to me felt so far away. I knew I wasn’t in the same city as him, I knew I wasn’t near anyone who had relations with him, it was over. I could start living again and not in the depressed state I was in.

I think about what this man did to me and it makes me wonder how many other women have gone through the same exact thing, and how many other women had anyone to speak to about it or relate too, whether it came from a boss, friend, family member or stranger on social media. I am positive there are women everywhere going through the same thing. I want to speak to these women. I want to share my story of how I turned my life around and not just from what this man did, but after the adoption. I want to share that open adoption is okay, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to know your child after they are born and as they grow. I also want to tell them that we are in this together, we are not alone. We need to be strong for each other and for our children. I can’t hide behind lies anymore. I can’t see pain and know that I can help someone through it but I am to scared of what someone might say to me. I know I did what was right by my son and at the end of the day, what else matters?

So, time to come clean. But how?….

Wheels up..

Here I am.. Sitting at the airport waiting to board my flight. A flight that was a gift, an amazing gift. The gift came from Kim and her family, my sons mom. I am still sitting here in shock. I can’t believe this is real. I set alarm after alarms this morning, to make sure I would wake up. I moved in to my first “grown up” apartment yesterday, so to say I am exhausted would be a LARGE understatement. I woke up at 7 and my first thought was “why am I up so early?”. It took me a second to register that today was the day. Today’s the day I am going on the trip of a lifetime, a trip most people dream about. I spoke about swimming with dolphins when I was living with Kim before my son was born. It was almost an obsession, and has been most of my life. I am fascinated by them. I also love water. I would rather be in water then anywhere else.

Kim called me about a month ago and told me about the trip. Her family and her wanted to give me something to celebrate my graduation from college. When she called I could not even speak. I didn’t even know what to say. I was just in awe and shock. It was an amazing moment.

I decided to go by myself. I had tossed around the option of someone else coming and it looked unappealing. I would have loved Kim and Jesse to come, but this time that wasn’t an option. Kim has taught me about self love and self worth since the very first day I met her. When she gave me the trip she described it as being a trip to celebrate me and my achievements, a trip where I can feel loved and celebrated. I never really got the time to reflect and rewind on my life. After Jesse was born I moved back home and started an internship and job almost instantly, and since then my life has been non stop. I never got to sit back and relax and really take in life and what had just come about. I didn’t get to celebrate the birth of my son, or mourn the loss of his constant presence. Not even just life revolving around Jesse, but I have been so busy the last year that I am forgetting who I am and the values that I hold. I have been so preoccupied with my busy life that I have no time for myself. That is what this trip is about. Reflecting, relaxing, and releasing any feelings I have inside of me. I do not have to worry about pleasing anyone else but myself. I can do as much as I want or as little as I want. I hold the cards, just as I hold the cards in my life. I am more then excited to spend the week celebrating me and what my life has become. Of course, I know there will be tears. I am prepared for that. I also know there will be smiling. 

Well, they just called my zone. So, wish me luck on this week long journey of reflection and relaxation. 

The big day: Graduation!

So, this week is kind of a big deal in my life and for many reasons. First off, a year ago yesterday I found out I was pregnant on my 5th visit to the doctor in 20 weeks. I ended up getting so sick, almost dead, and went in again. It was unlike anything I could ever describe. I knew something was wrong with me, but I trusted my doctors and they didn’t do the tests, so I didn’t concern myself with it. My mom was also diagnosed with breast cancer the day after I got pregnant and I became one of her primary care takers. I made the two hour drive from school home weekly to help with whatever needed to be done. I was distracted taking care of her and my little brother, I ignored my own health. When I went to the doctor with concerns they thought I was paranoid about my mothers diagnosis. They never did a pregnancy test, even after 4 visits in 20 weeks. I found out I was pregnant on May 7th, at 21 weeks and 3 days. Talk about  a walking TV show. You want to know how I found out… I went in so sick, they thought it was my kidneys right away, gave them my urine and blood, but they didn’t test it for pregnancy, instead they gave me an Xray. The Xray tech saw a skeleton on the image. THEN they tested my urine and confirmed I was pregnant. Seriously, that happened. It was unbelievable and shocking to say the least. I had been sexual active twice that whole year and one of the times was a drunken mistake that I didn’t even know the details of. I woke up the next morning after that drunken night, thinking I had been drugged and very fuzzy about the night. BUT none the less, it happened and there as baby boy growing inside of me. That clinic was the worst visit of my life, and not because I found out I was pregnant but for many other reasons that I will share some day soon. Back to the point, this time last year my life changed forever. I didn’t think I was going to make it through it and NOW here I am. My son is across the country, but I am doing everything I set out to do and more. I know that he will be proud of me some day.

Tomorrow I walk across the stage of my University and graduate from college. I am graduated with a double major and a minor. The day is here. The day I have been waiting for, but now can’t believe it came so quick. This time last year I thought I would become another statistic drop out. I didn’t see graduation in my future. Now, here I am. I was invited to the Board of Regents brunch at my school this afternoon to speak about my political lobbying experience this semester. I spoke in front of the people who make all the decisions for my school, and provide most of the funding. They were telling me how proud they were of me for my accomplishments of writing legislation and it being projected to finally pass next week. That is my life. I went from being so lost and depressed and confused and broken, to a well known name in Minnesota and an “inspiration”, as I am told, to my fellow classmates and professors. I couldn’t help but want to tell them about my journey this past year and what I went through with my son. They don’t know, but I want to tell them it is because of him I am doing what I am doing. I have worked so hard and tried to do everything I possibly could because of him. I want him to know that it wasn’t for nothing. I did it to better both of us. Some day I will come out with my story.. some day I will have the courage to do it. Will it be soon? Probably not. But that is okay. For right now I am going to soak in this joy of accomplishing what I thought was going to be unattainable. It is here. The day is here and I thank my son every day for coming into my life. 

Busy Days!

Wow. I have been so busy these last few weeks. I was reading over my last post, and what a difference some deep breathes and conversations with loved ones can make. I can’t believe how angry I was at my sons mom. She is such an amazing woman and came in just when I needed her. I will never forget when I stumbled across her ad on Google, looked at her “book” and feel in love. She was everything I could ever want in not just a mom but a person. I am thankful for her every single day. I think anger is gong to come with adoption. Anger comes from hurt for me. I am hurt every day that my son is not with me, but at the same time so happy he is living a life he deserves. I remember flying out to LA to meet her after just a week or so of talking through text and once through Skype. I knew instantly we were brought together by fate. I was only there for the weekend and she wanted to show me what life would be like if I lived there, she wanted me to met the important people in her life. We weren’t going to have time to met the man who would be Jesse’s god-father and she was distraught about it. I remember we were driving under a bridge and I looked at her and said “I will just meet him when I come back”. She grabbed my hand and for the first time in a while I felt happy. It was like both of our prayers and dreams were being answered, and we were doing it for each other. The tragedy I was feeling didn’t have to be a tragedy. It could be something beautiful, a partnership for life. People who know ask me all the time why I picked a single mother, and I always tell them if you met her you would understand. She is amazing and I love her, even through the anger. 

 

My first visit with Jesse..

I wrote this shortly after my 22nd birthday trip to see my son for the first time after he was born.. 

— 

This weekend I saw my son for the first time since days after he was born. It was a feeling that I can’t put into words. I had waited four and a half months to hold him, to smell him, to hear him. I walked into the door of his home and there he was. It was the moment I dreamed about every night and day dreamed about every day. I did not know how I was going to feel or what I was going to say, and I was speechless. His grandma was feeding him on the couch and I just sat there next to him, looking at him as if he was the King of the world, and in my world he is. His bright eyes looked at me and I looked back at not just him but to his soul. I could feel him over power me. I could feel the depths of his stare in every inch of me. I knew that he knew me and I knew he felt what I was feeling, as if in that moment in time the world stood still and we were the only ones in the world. I embraced every second, as if it was lifetime.

            The months leading up to this moment I felt like I was missing his most important milestones and I was. He was in California and I was life times away in Minnesota. I wanted to be there to hear all the noises he was making and learn what his faces meant. I dreamt about the moment I could hold him through his cries and laugh with him. I dreamt of the in between moments. The moments where he slept peacefully and I listened to him breath or held him and felt his heart beat on mine. For 10 months he felt my heart beat, it was a consistent rhythm that helped him fall asleep, helped him through whatever he was feeling, a comfort for him, and now his heartbeat was doing the same for me. His heartbeat alone is what keeps me alive, it is not mine, it is his. I live for him and I live for those moments where no one else matters but him and I.

            I spent that first night watching and helping with his nightly routine. Feeding, baths, massage, dressing and then sleep. I watched in awe as he so peacefully went through these motions. I watched in awe, as he so perfectly, simply, existed. I watched in awe as he stared at his mom, Kim, with every move she made. He watched her, observed her and I knew in those moments that she has given him so much love and care, and that I would never need to worry about his wellbeing and love. If I had ever had a doubt, although I didn’t, it would have been gone in that moment. I found myself wishing that he would look at me that way. I hoped that I could make him see me as someone who would always love him and always be there. I wanted to make him laugh like she did, and I knew that by the end of my short visit, I would.

            After it was time for Jesse to go to bed, Kim drove me to my hotel. At first, I was so angry with her for thinking it was the best idea for me to stay in a hotel, but I quickly learned it was everything I needed. Although, I wanted to spend every second with my son, I needed those moments alone to debrief and be with my thoughts. My mind was over powered with thoughts of gratitude and relief. I felt gratitude for the life he was living. I was so happy that he was being so loved and taken care of so well. I felt relief with that same thought. Relief that I knew I had picked the right person and the right path. Along with gratitude and relief, I felt sorrow and jealousy. He was so perfect, everything I knew he would be, and I found myself thinking, “Why did I do this”. When I allow myself to think this, it is a downward spiral. Sometimes I can bounce out of it, and sometimes it causes me to spend days in a depressed state. In this moment, it followed with, “Why couldn’t I be more like Kim and ready for this”. I was overwhelmed with jealousy of her. I sat on the floor in my hotel room crying, alone. It was a feeling and setting I was so used to, from these past few months.

            To my surprise, this was one of those times where I was able to bounce out of it. I pulled myself together and said the phrase I have said to myself thousands of times, “You did the right thing. You are following your dreams and Jesse is living the life he deserves with a woman who will put him first and love him unconditionally”. After repeating it out loud a couple of times, I felt myself going back to those feelings of gratitude and relief. I felt myself feeling thankful again, being taken over with positive energy. I like to think that in those moments, Jesse, Kim and my soul are uniting at that exact moment to provide comfort in those moments I need it most. I feel asleep that night, very anxious to wake up and spend the day getting to know my son.

            That next morning, I found myself wide-awake at 6 am. I wanted to get my day started as soon as possible, so I did not miss a second with Jesse. I went outside to embrace the air and embrace the day I was about to have. I waited till around 8:30 to text Kim because she had told me the day before that is when the day for them usually officially starts, if she is lucky to get the few extra hours of sleep after the 5:30 am feeding. I started my walk to Kim and Jesse’s home. I decided in my head that I would spend every moment of that day looking and talking to Jesse, and learning everything I can about him from Him and Kim.

            Finally, I arrived at their home and instantly Kim gave Jesse to me to hold him. This moment was one of those where I felt complete. I embraced him and held him so close, touching his face and taking in his scent. He looked at me with his beautiful, calming eyes, and in that moment I knew I would start every day reliving that moment in my mind.

            I spent that day doing everything from feeding to rolling around on the rug to making faces back and forth and laughing with each other. I pushed him in his stroller, taking him to all my favorite places. Studied him as he moved and smiled. Most of all I took in everything. I didn’t just exist that day, for the first time in a long time; I lived that day. I lived every second and embraced every second as if it would be my last. I laughed louder then I had laughed in months. I smiled brighter then I ever have. He was so beautiful.

I kept thinking all day in awe that I created him. He was part of me. Jesse would make a face and I knew that I had made that exact face before! I thought about how I have always went through life with a smile on my face, and I passed that to him! He will grow up and gain traits from his mom and the people around him but he will always be part me. I feel his soul every day, and we will always be connected, whether I am there to see every face or hear every noise, he feels me and I feel him.

As it came time for me to leave that night, I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t instantly hit that deep dark depression I was preparing for. Before my arrival I thought I would leave feeling worse then I had before, but I did not. I cried but they were tears of gratitude and love. I felt so happy. I felt so honored to be his mother and to be in his life. I felt so grateful to be able to bond and connect with Jesse in ways that are not possible over Skype. This visit justified what Kim has told me from the beginning, I will always be welcome in my son’s life. Adoption is messy. It is complicated. It causes pain and anxiety. People lie, but Kim and I created a situation, in my opinion, which made all the hardship that comes with it be in the shadow of all the good we created. Our adoption was full of love, life and openness, and I live every day to its’ highest potential, knowing that Jesse will always know me, and I will always know him.

—-           

I finally said it out loud.

Last night after a few drinks with old friends, I finally admitted out loud how mad I was. There was one person in my life who really spoke out against me choosing adoption. She thought I should keep my son and raise him, even though it was not a path I wanted for myself or for my son. Everyone else simply said “no you can’t do this”. When I told my best friend the first thing she said was “get rid of it, you have goals”. This is what I was working with. I was and am a very intelligent, bright, outgoing and driven woman. I know that I have always said kids were not part of my plan, but come on. I heard these things repeatedly, by my friends and family who knew. At one point I had decided to keep the baby, my family who knew were so angry. They would make comments and say things that killed me. I couldn’t understand it, but then I started to believe it. I started to see that they were “right”. I didn’t want to be a mom and I was in no way shape or form ready for this life. My son deserved better, which everyone loved to remind me. Love wasn’t enough. 

I think once you hear something so many times, it becomes true in your head. You start to live that as your reality. I have felt not good enough my whole life and this was just another circumstance where I felt that. 

Every day I want my son back. Every single day. There are woman who are in horrible circumstances, they are living poverty, drug abusers, can’t raise the children they have, and many other worse off situations. Here I am an educated woman, and hardworking woman at that. I have always been able to do and achieve what I wanted. I come from a family who had the means to help me. I wouldn’t be where I am now, graduating school, lobbying a bill, and being a carefree 20 something, but I would have the most important piece of me. I know that my son is living a life I could never give him now, but I can’t help but be so mad at myself. Why did I do it? Why did I think I wasn’t enough? 

I wish there was a magic word or something that would help me out. I can’t help but think this depression will never end. It isn’t constant, but finally admitting out loud that I am mad felt so good. It felt good to finally be honest. I am angry, and I think I am aloud to feel that way. My son started crawling and I had no idea. I had no idea! He started pulling himself up on things to stand, and I had no idea. He went to the beach, my favorite place to be, and I had no idea. I wasn’t there to share those big moments, and I never will be. Of course, I can try and fly there every chance I get and when Kim will let me. But I will miss it all.

Kim is a great mother, and she deserves the love of a child. I feel honored to be able to give that to her, but what about me? What happens to me? What happens to our relationship if I want to know more? I don’t want to push her because I want to know my son, I don’t want to tell her I am angry. I would never break our bond, not only because I love her deeply, but because she holds the fate of my relationship with my son in her hands. 

Where do I go from here? How do I fix myself? How do I quit being angry and start feeling happy all the time again?