Tag Archives: constant

Ready to Come Clean

Every day I read moving articles, articles that inspire me and others to share our stories and to be better. Every day I wonder why I hide behind an “internship in LA”, “visiting good friends” and “oh, that’s my friend’s baby on my background”. I want to come clean, I want to share my story and I want to help other men and women through this. I want people to know how beautiful adoption is, and how open it can be. My story is unlike any other I have ever heard of. I want it to become the new normal, because when we push down the walls and let go of the fear it creates the most loving and trustworthy environment for a child, in my opinion.

About a month ago I had someone tell me that I was the “worst person ever”, I was “selfish” and so many other terrible unimaginable. This person said these things out loud to me because I placed my son for adoption and I have a relationship with him. He told me I need to leave my son alone. Yes, I know that everyone is initialed to their opinion, the fact that it was my boss, ex boss now, made him not entitled to it, but how can these words come out of someones mouth? For a few weeks I believe him. I became so lost in my life. He made me feel like I had feared people would make me feel if it was out in the open. This man made me question my decision and my reason for waking up every day, to do big things for my son. He pushed me into a dark place, a place I didn’t think I could get out of, a place even if I did get out of I knew it wouldn’t be on my own. I feel so blessed to have the friends and family I do. They knew and they were there. They were there to pull me out of my room when I just wanted to lay in a dark room for days. They were ultimately there when I had to make a decision: continue to live there and not know the fate of my life or get out and start over. Thank god they were there. It took about 3 seconds of convincing me to move to the East Coast from Minneapolis. There was a window in my lease, which never happens, and a friend who wanted to pack up and move across the country for a fresh start. It was perfect. All of the pain I was feeling there went away, talking about it now still tugs a little bit, but everything that man did to me felt so far away. I knew I wasn’t in the same city as him, I knew I wasn’t near anyone who had relations with him, it was over. I could start living again and not in the depressed state I was in.

I think about what this man did to me and it makes me wonder how many other women have gone through the same exact thing, and how many other women had anyone to speak to about it or relate too, whether it came from a boss, friend, family member or stranger on social media. I am positive there are women everywhere going through the same thing. I want to speak to these women. I want to share my story of how I turned my life around and not just from what this man did, but after the adoption. I want to share that open adoption is okay, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to know your child after they are born and as they grow. I also want to tell them that we are in this together, we are not alone. We need to be strong for each other and for our children. I can’t hide behind lies anymore. I can’t see pain and know that I can help someone through it but I am to scared of what someone might say to me. I know I did what was right by my son and at the end of the day, what else matters?

So, time to come clean. But how?….

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I finally said it out loud.

Last night after a few drinks with old friends, I finally admitted out loud how mad I was. There was one person in my life who really spoke out against me choosing adoption. She thought I should keep my son and raise him, even though it was not a path I wanted for myself or for my son. Everyone else simply said “no you can’t do this”. When I told my best friend the first thing she said was “get rid of it, you have goals”. This is what I was working with. I was and am a very intelligent, bright, outgoing and driven woman. I know that I have always said kids were not part of my plan, but come on. I heard these things repeatedly, by my friends and family who knew. At one point I had decided to keep the baby, my family who knew were so angry. They would make comments and say things that killed me. I couldn’t understand it, but then I started to believe it. I started to see that they were “right”. I didn’t want to be a mom and I was in no way shape or form ready for this life. My son deserved better, which everyone loved to remind me. Love wasn’t enough. 

I think once you hear something so many times, it becomes true in your head. You start to live that as your reality. I have felt not good enough my whole life and this was just another circumstance where I felt that. 

Every day I want my son back. Every single day. There are woman who are in horrible circumstances, they are living poverty, drug abusers, can’t raise the children they have, and many other worse off situations. Here I am an educated woman, and hardworking woman at that. I have always been able to do and achieve what I wanted. I come from a family who had the means to help me. I wouldn’t be where I am now, graduating school, lobbying a bill, and being a carefree 20 something, but I would have the most important piece of me. I know that my son is living a life I could never give him now, but I can’t help but be so mad at myself. Why did I do it? Why did I think I wasn’t enough? 

I wish there was a magic word or something that would help me out. I can’t help but think this depression will never end. It isn’t constant, but finally admitting out loud that I am mad felt so good. It felt good to finally be honest. I am angry, and I think I am aloud to feel that way. My son started crawling and I had no idea. I had no idea! He started pulling himself up on things to stand, and I had no idea. He went to the beach, my favorite place to be, and I had no idea. I wasn’t there to share those big moments, and I never will be. Of course, I can try and fly there every chance I get and when Kim will let me. But I will miss it all.

Kim is a great mother, and she deserves the love of a child. I feel honored to be able to give that to her, but what about me? What happens to me? What happens to our relationship if I want to know more? I don’t want to push her because I want to know my son, I don’t want to tell her I am angry. I would never break our bond, not only because I love her deeply, but because she holds the fate of my relationship with my son in her hands. 

Where do I go from here? How do I fix myself? How do I quit being angry and start feeling happy all the time again?