I feel like I have been away from my blog for years.. All of the emotions are pilled up inside me and I have been holding them in. Because of fear? Because of trying to leave the past in the past? I am not sure. The past few months have been a whirl wind. I moved across the country.. Running away from myself? Maybe. I like to think of it as a fresh start to be who ever I wanted. It does not matter where you are or where you go, it follows you. The pain and sorrow doesn’t ever leave. Although, just as much pain and sorrow I feel so much joy and gratitude. I feel joy for the life I am able to move. I was able to pick up and start again. I packed up my car and left my life behind to start a new one. It felt good. It felt powerful. I also feel gratitude for being able to know. I know my son is okay. I know he is living a great life. I see pictures of him. I hear and see videos of him laughing and walking and talking. I live with him through those moments. I get to live a life of discovery of myself and he gets to become who he was always meant and deserved to be.
There was a moment on my birthday, back in January, where I fell to the ground in tears. I could not hold it together. My friends and boyfriend threw a get together/house warming party for me/us and all I could think about and all I could talk about was not being with my son. I felt so much guilt and so much sorrow. I wanted to be with him, I wanted to see him and hold him and love him. But I couldn’t, so all I could do was cry. Crying so hard I couldn’t breath. I laid in the shower for an hour trying to make it stop, trying to handle it all alone. I just wanted the crying to stop, I wanted to feel better, even just for a moment and I would have been okay. I couldn’t do it. My boyfriend helped me into bed and held me while I cried. I cried in his arms, for what felt like hours. He held me and soothed me. I am glad I finally let love in because for the first time in a long time I didn’t feel alone. I didn’t feel like I had to take this on by myself. The father is not in the picture, never has. I have someone in my life who gets me and supports me through it. He doesn’t ask questions, he is just there. I used to think that no one would ever understand me, or get the moments I just needed to cry and be sad for a moment, but he does. It’s a holiday thing. We went through the first instance on Christmas Day. We had to leave my families get together because I just couldn’t do it. I needed a moment to be sad, and I feel okay with that. I don’t deny my feelings anymore. If I want to cry about it, I do. If I want to smile about it, I smile. If I want to talk about it, I talk about it. I let it happen, as it happens. I finally have a support system that lets me and that is beautiful.