I always let time get the best of me.. I get too busy or I think what I have to say doesn’t matter. I feel that no matter what I say or do no one will truly see the real me or the real feelings. I feel that way more then ever today. I can’t get across my feelings without feeling so upset, that I push away the people who matter most. I have to stop myself and wonder am I so upset because what they are saying is true or because they don’t know the real me…
It is a constant battle every time. It doesn’t matter what the battle is about, but it’s always there. It has been for years. When I look at myself I see a successful woman trying to make the best of the time I have here. I see myself as someone not afraid to take risks or stand up for what I believe in. I am starting to think that being that way is not okay.. I am starting to think that being this way alienates me and puts me on the battle field with ones who are close. I don’t know how to be myself around the people who have known me my whole life. I feel like I don’t belong and I don’t know why. Is it me? Am I the issue?
How do I become a person that they can be proud of? What do I need to do? I am not perfect, far from it. I make mistakes all the time, but I try to learn from them and be better. What if I am not being better? What if I am just going in a circle of decisions that really don’t better me.
I thought moving to California would solve everything. I thought it would bring me peace to be close to my son and in a new environment. I thought this was where I belonged. I am starting to see that all I am doing is running. I am running from myself and my past. I am learning that being in California does not really mean I am close to my son. It means I am a 4 hour drive, that I can’t make. I knew that coming out here, but I think in my mind I thought it would be bring me peace to be closer. All it has done is create frustration that I am so close, yet so far away. I can’t just jump in my car and see him, and I knew that before I moved out here. But that doesn’t make it an easier.
At the end of the day it all steams back from the day I made the decision to go the route I did, adoption. That day my fate was set. I fear I will spend the rest of my life chasing a feeling or a place that doesn’t exists. I see people everyday having major life moments, having babies, getting engaged, buying homes and I feel lost. I feel like those things are not attainable for me. I feel as if I gave up the right to want those things and to let those things happen. I think I run because in my mind I have too. I am supposed to be out living my life, and I am, but at what costs. How do I stop chasing a place and a feeling that doesn’t exist and never will. I will never be the person I was before that day, and I am okay with that. How do I find the peace of mind in finding home, because right now I don’t know where that is or how to find it…
Every day I read moving articles, articles that inspire me and others to share our stories and to be better. Every day I wonder why I hide behind an “internship in LA”, “visiting good friends” and “oh, that’s my friend’s baby on my background”. I want to come clean, I want to share my story and I want to help other men and women through this. I want people to know how beautiful adoption is, and how open it can be. My story is unlike any other I have ever heard of. I want it to become the new normal, because when we push down the walls and let go of the fear it creates the most loving and trustworthy environment for a child, in my opinion.
About a month ago I had someone tell me that I was the “worst person ever”, I was “selfish” and so many other terrible unimaginable. This person said these things out loud to me because I placed my son for adoption and I have a relationship with him. He told me I need to leave my son alone. Yes, I know that everyone is initialed to their opinion, the fact that it was my boss, ex boss now, made him not entitled to it, but how can these words come out of someones mouth? For a few weeks I believe him. I became so lost in my life. He made me feel like I had feared people would make me feel if it was out in the open. This man made me question my decision and my reason for waking up every day, to do big things for my son. He pushed me into a dark place, a place I didn’t think I could get out of, a place even if I did get out of I knew it wouldn’t be on my own. I feel so blessed to have the friends and family I do. They knew and they were there. They were there to pull me out of my room when I just wanted to lay in a dark room for days. They were ultimately there when I had to make a decision: continue to live there and not know the fate of my life or get out and start over. Thank god they were there. It took about 3 seconds of convincing me to move to the East Coast from Minneapolis. There was a window in my lease, which never happens, and a friend who wanted to pack up and move across the country for a fresh start. It was perfect. All of the pain I was feeling there went away, talking about it now still tugs a little bit, but everything that man did to me felt so far away. I knew I wasn’t in the same city as him, I knew I wasn’t near anyone who had relations with him, it was over. I could start living again and not in the depressed state I was in.
I think about what this man did to me and it makes me wonder how many other women have gone through the same exact thing, and how many other women had anyone to speak to about it or relate too, whether it came from a boss, friend, family member or stranger on social media. I am positive there are women everywhere going through the same thing. I want to speak to these women. I want to share my story of how I turned my life around and not just from what this man did, but after the adoption. I want to share that open adoption is okay, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to know your child after they are born and as they grow. I also want to tell them that we are in this together, we are not alone. We need to be strong for each other and for our children. I can’t hide behind lies anymore. I can’t see pain and know that I can help someone through it but I am to scared of what someone might say to me. I know I did what was right by my son and at the end of the day, what else matters?
So, time to come clean. But how?….
Every time I hear the word “adopted” or any form of that word, I cringe. I get instant goosebumps throughout my whole entire body. It doesn’t matter how it is used, or whether it even relates to the my definition of adoption. I am sitting in a committee hearing, in regards to state legislation, and I heard the word and now all I can think about is what my life became the day I found out I was pregnant and the day I placed my son. My mind is overwhelmed with emotion, and focusing on the task at hand is becoming nearly impossible.. I can’t even focus on the bill I have been working on for months, day in and day out. It is officially on the back burner. I don’t want it to be like this. I don’t want to think about all of this right now. I want to be preparing to testify for my bill. I want to be drafting and sending emails to the media. But here I am, letting all of this run through my head over and over again. I am letting it take over my life.. again. This is nothing new. I sit and I think.
Every day I try harder and harder to get to the bottom of my issues. Why am I still struggling so much? I know that it will never be easy and there will always be hurt, and I also know I did the right thing. Sometimes I may have to convince myself of that, but for the most part I know I did the right thing. I know that my son is living the life he was supposed to live, a better life then I could give him right now. I have this constant fear that he is going to hate me some day. Every day I try to be the person he can be proud of some day and know that I didn’t place him with his mom for no reason. I set myself up for disappointment and failure. Every day I feel not good enough. I do not feel worthy of him. He is the King of my world, and I don’t want to let him down. I know my son, even at 6 months old I already know he has the kindest heart and deepest soul. I should know he will never feel I am unworthy, but why can’t I get that through my head. Why do I have to put an unattainable amount of pressure on myself every day. What am I trying to prove? I sometimes think that if I do not do everything possible every day, other people will look at me and think “you gave your child up to do this”. I feel like I am going to be judged constantly and looked down upon. For once in my life I care what people think. I used to be a free spirit, living my life how I wanted too and never letting anyone else’s judgment dictate my life. Now, I am hiding the most important piece of me, my son, from the world in fear of being judged!!! I am keeping it a secret from almost everyone. The majority of people don’t even know he exists. How sad is that? How sad is it that I hide the biggest part of my being because I am scared of what people will say! I don’t want to be scared.. I want to be strong. I want to be the person every is my life is expecting me to be. How do I tell them I am not that person anymore? I am not the strong woman who they once knew. The people who know about my son, expect me to be this strong and ambitious woman. The people who don’t know about my son expect the same too. They constantly are asking “what’s wrong with you” or saying “you seem so different” or the most common “where have you been, I never see you” because of the massive amount of alone time and hiding I do. All I want to do is take time to grieve. I can’t do that. I don’t get to do that. I am expected to jump back up on my feet and keep going. When will I ever process all of this, or when will I ever let myself process all of this. When will I stop letting my fear get in the way of my happiness? What’s it going to take for that to happen…