Tag Archives: graduation

The big day: Graduation!

So, this week is kind of a big deal in my life and for many reasons. First off, a year ago yesterday I found out I was pregnant on my 5th visit to the doctor in 20 weeks. I ended up getting so sick, almost dead, and went in again. It was unlike anything I could ever describe. I knew something was wrong with me, but I trusted my doctors and they didn’t do the tests, so I didn’t concern myself with it. My mom was also diagnosed with breast cancer the day after I got pregnant and I became one of her primary care takers. I made the two hour drive from school home weekly to help with whatever needed to be done. I was distracted taking care of her and my little brother, I ignored my own health. When I went to the doctor with concerns they thought I was paranoid about my mothers diagnosis. They never did a pregnancy test, even after 4 visits in 20 weeks. I found out I was pregnant on May 7th, at 21 weeks and 3 days. Talk about  a walking TV show. You want to know how I found out… I went in so sick, they thought it was my kidneys right away, gave them my urine and blood, but they didn’t test it for pregnancy, instead they gave me an Xray. The Xray tech saw a skeleton on the image. THEN they tested my urine and confirmed I was pregnant. Seriously, that happened. It was unbelievable and shocking to say the least. I had been sexual active twice that whole year and one of the times was a drunken mistake that I didn’t even know the details of. I woke up the next morning after that drunken night, thinking I had been drugged and very fuzzy about the night. BUT none the less, it happened and there as baby boy growing inside of me. That clinic was the worst visit of my life, and not because I found out I was pregnant but for many other reasons that I will share some day soon. Back to the point, this time last year my life changed forever. I didn’t think I was going to make it through it and NOW here I am. My son is across the country, but I am doing everything I set out to do and more. I know that he will be proud of me some day.

Tomorrow I walk across the stage of my University and graduate from college. I am graduated with a double major and a minor. The day is here. The day I have been waiting for, but now can’t believe it came so quick. This time last year I thought I would become another statistic drop out. I didn’t see graduation in my future. Now, here I am. I was invited to the Board of Regents brunch at my school this afternoon to speak about my political lobbying experience this semester. I spoke in front of the people who make all the decisions for my school, and provide most of the funding. They were telling me how proud they were of me for my accomplishments of writing legislation and it being projected to finally pass next week. That is my life. I went from being so lost and depressed and confused and broken, to a well known name in Minnesota and an “inspiration”, as I am told, to my fellow classmates and professors. I couldn’t help but want to tell them about my journey this past year and what I went through with my son. They don’t know, but I want to tell them it is because of him I am doing what I am doing. I have worked so hard and tried to do everything I possibly could because of him. I want him to know that it wasn’t for nothing. I did it to better both of us. Some day I will come out with my story.. some day I will have the courage to do it. Will it be soon? Probably not. But that is okay. For right now I am going to soak in this joy of accomplishing what I thought was going to be unattainable. It is here. The day is here and I thank my son every day for coming into my life. 

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Missing the big days for a better life

I never really thought about what it would be like for me to go through my big events by myself.. Without my son. I never thought about how I would feel without him there to share in those moments with me. A big day is coming up.. My graduation from college. I’ve worked my entire life for this day. Part of the reason my son is
where he is was so I could finish school and he wouldn’t have to struggle with me. The day is almost here… As I was writing out invitations I started to realize that he would most likely not be there. His mom and I are very close but they’re in California and I’m a life time away in Minnesota.. Could I ever really expect them to come and how would I ever tell her I needed them there? We have a very open conversation line but I wouldn’t even know where to start with that one. I sent her an invitation anyways and she regretfully declined… And texted me saying how much they loved me and how proud they all are… I am so grateful for all of that but my heart is broken. My son deserved to live a better life then I could provide him with… But this day will not be the same without him. I don’t know how I will be… I don’t know if I will be able to deal. Knowing my family they will bring it up ALL day, saying they wish he was there and blah blah blah. This is just my graduation.. What about my wedding day, if that ever happens? Is this the beginning of heart broken big days? The beginning of no more pure joy moments… I think what I need to remember and tell myself is that he is living a better life. He is living the life he deserves with a woman who will always put him first… Always!! He will never go without. When I think about that.. Even with a little heart break I feel pure joy.