Tag Archives: grateful

Ready to Come Clean

Every day I read moving articles, articles that inspire me and others to share our stories and to be better. Every day I wonder why I hide behind an “internship in LA”, “visiting good friends” and “oh, that’s my friend’s baby on my background”. I want to come clean, I want to share my story and I want to help other men and women through this. I want people to know how beautiful adoption is, and how open it can be. My story is unlike any other I have ever heard of. I want it to become the new normal, because when we push down the walls and let go of the fear it creates the most loving and trustworthy environment for a child, in my opinion.

About a month ago I had someone tell me that I was the “worst person ever”, I was “selfish” and so many other terrible unimaginable. This person said these things out loud to me because I placed my son for adoption and I have a relationship with him. He told me I need to leave my son alone. Yes, I know that everyone is initialed to their opinion, the fact that it was my boss, ex boss now, made him not entitled to it, but how can these words come out of someones mouth? For a few weeks I believe him. I became so lost in my life. He made me feel like I had feared people would make me feel if it was out in the open. This man made me question my decision and my reason for waking up every day, to do big things for my son. He pushed me into a dark place, a place I didn’t think I could get out of, a place even if I did get out of I knew it wouldn’t be on my own. I feel so blessed to have the friends and family I do. They knew and they were there. They were there to pull me out of my room when I just wanted to lay in a dark room for days. They were ultimately there when I had to make a decision: continue to live there and not know the fate of my life or get out and start over. Thank god they were there. It took about 3 seconds of convincing me to move to the East Coast from Minneapolis. There was a window in my lease, which never happens, and a friend who wanted to pack up and move across the country for a fresh start. It was perfect. All of the pain I was feeling there went away, talking about it now still tugs a little bit, but everything that man did to me felt so far away. I knew I wasn’t in the same city as him, I knew I wasn’t near anyone who had relations with him, it was over. I could start living again and not in the depressed state I was in.

I think about what this man did to me and it makes me wonder how many other women have gone through the same exact thing, and how many other women had anyone to speak to about it or relate too, whether it came from a boss, friend, family member or stranger on social media. I am positive there are women everywhere going through the same thing. I want to speak to these women. I want to share my story of how I turned my life around and not just from what this man did, but after the adoption. I want to share that open adoption is okay, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to know your child after they are born and as they grow. I also want to tell them that we are in this together, we are not alone. We need to be strong for each other and for our children. I can’t hide behind lies anymore. I can’t see pain and know that I can help someone through it but I am to scared of what someone might say to me. I know I did what was right by my son and at the end of the day, what else matters?

So, time to come clean. But how?….

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Wheels up..

Here I am.. Sitting at the airport waiting to board my flight. A flight that was a gift, an amazing gift. The gift came from Kim and her family, my sons mom. I am still sitting here in shock. I can’t believe this is real. I set alarm after alarms this morning, to make sure I would wake up. I moved in to my first “grown up” apartment yesterday, so to say I am exhausted would be a LARGE understatement. I woke up at 7 and my first thought was “why am I up so early?”. It took me a second to register that today was the day. Today’s the day I am going on the trip of a lifetime, a trip most people dream about. I spoke about swimming with dolphins when I was living with Kim before my son was born. It was almost an obsession, and has been most of my life. I am fascinated by them. I also love water. I would rather be in water then anywhere else.

Kim called me about a month ago and told me about the trip. Her family and her wanted to give me something to celebrate my graduation from college. When she called I could not even speak. I didn’t even know what to say. I was just in awe and shock. It was an amazing moment.

I decided to go by myself. I had tossed around the option of someone else coming and it looked unappealing. I would have loved Kim and Jesse to come, but this time that wasn’t an option. Kim has taught me about self love and self worth since the very first day I met her. When she gave me the trip she described it as being a trip to celebrate me and my achievements, a trip where I can feel loved and celebrated. I never really got the time to reflect and rewind on my life. After Jesse was born I moved back home and started an internship and job almost instantly, and since then my life has been non stop. I never got to sit back and relax and really take in life and what had just come about. I didn’t get to celebrate the birth of my son, or mourn the loss of his constant presence. Not even just life revolving around Jesse, but I have been so busy the last year that I am forgetting who I am and the values that I hold. I have been so preoccupied with my busy life that I have no time for myself. That is what this trip is about. Reflecting, relaxing, and releasing any feelings I have inside of me. I do not have to worry about pleasing anyone else but myself. I can do as much as I want or as little as I want. I hold the cards, just as I hold the cards in my life. I am more then excited to spend the week celebrating me and what my life has become. Of course, I know there will be tears. I am prepared for that. I also know there will be smiling. 

Well, they just called my zone. So, wish me luck on this week long journey of reflection and relaxation.