Tag Archives: heartbreak

MSP 2 LAX

My son turned 1 last week. 1 year old. Where did the time go? I now understand what people say about time flying so fast when you have children. I swear it was as if he was just born, I closed my eyes and now he is 1. And he is the best 1 year old!

I am sitting in an airport right now headed to his birthday party in LA. My last few visits to LA to see him have been short, one day or a few hours, this time it is a three day trip. Three days with my son. Three days to take in every scent, sound and movement. I am so nervous and so excited. Nervous to see him and his family. I don’t want to be a let down to them. I just had to leave me job because of a horrible situation that occurred and now I am going to see them and I have to tell them I already left my fist “grown up” job. I know they will understand the reasoning for leaving it, but it’s frustrating. I do everything I can, everyday, to make them proud and him proud. My days aren’t about me and they haven’t been for almost two years. I don’t wake up in the morning and say what can I do to fulfill myself today, I say what can I do to fulfill my son and his family today. What can I do to make them proud of the woman they know as Hopey. Ah. It’s time to put a show on and act as if my life is going amazing. And maybe it is, maybe everything going on is the best thing for me.

I do not need to have a pity party. I am done doing that right now. Honestly though, most of the people in my life couldn’t tell you the first or last problem going on in my life. Most of them would tell you that I am always happy and nothing ever gets me down, or nothing major is happening. I put on a front because I do not want anyone to see me vulnerable, because what would happen then? Would I let people in and allow them to see that I do have more then just sunshine and rainbows. Now, it is not to say I act unrealistic or naive. I just do not see why I should put my problems on anyone else and weigh down their life. We all know that people are going through things, and who am I to put my stuff on top of that. I do not cry in front of people. I do not scream in front of people. I do not talk about the deep issues I struggle with every day. The most ironic part about this is that this is an anonymous blog. Very few people know about this blog, maybe two people. I won’t even share this with them. I can’t be seen as weak. I can’t be seen as weak because then what would happen? Almost every friend I have ever had has tried to take advantage of me as it is, can you imagine if I showed this vulnerable side? What would happen? I run from confrontation, most of the time, and my friends and family know that. Friends I have had for years think I do not realize they are doing it. Well, I do. But that is besides the point. It is on my mind right now, but that is not the important thing right now.

I need to focus on that beautiful baby boy, the most beautiful boy. It is his weekend! Although, I have a very strong feeling every weekend and every day is always his. He is a lucky little boy to have the world at his feet and the most amazing family to provide it for him. I am grateful to be part of it, even it is only for a weekend a few times a year. Here is to Jesse and the happiness of this weekend and the rest of all of our days!

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Missing the big days for a better life

I never really thought about what it would be like for me to go through my big events by myself.. Without my son. I never thought about how I would feel without him there to share in those moments with me. A big day is coming up.. My graduation from college. I’ve worked my entire life for this day. Part of the reason my son is
where he is was so I could finish school and he wouldn’t have to struggle with me. The day is almost here… As I was writing out invitations I started to realize that he would most likely not be there. His mom and I are very close but they’re in California and I’m a life time away in Minnesota.. Could I ever really expect them to come and how would I ever tell her I needed them there? We have a very open conversation line but I wouldn’t even know where to start with that one. I sent her an invitation anyways and she regretfully declined… And texted me saying how much they loved me and how proud they all are… I am so grateful for all of that but my heart is broken. My son deserved to live a better life then I could provide him with… But this day will not be the same without him. I don’t know how I will be… I don’t know if I will be able to deal. Knowing my family they will bring it up ALL day, saying they wish he was there and blah blah blah. This is just my graduation.. What about my wedding day, if that ever happens? Is this the beginning of heart broken big days? The beginning of no more pure joy moments… I think what I need to remember and tell myself is that he is living a better life. He is living the life he deserves with a woman who will always put him first… Always!! He will never go without. When I think about that.. Even with a little heart break I feel pure joy.