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I always let time get the best of me.. I get too busy or I think what I have to say doesn’t matter. I feel that no matter what I say or do no one will truly see the real me or the real feelings. I feel that way more then ever today. I can’t get across my feelings without feeling so upset, that I push away the people who matter most. I have to stop myself and wonder am I so upset because what they are saying is true or because they don’t know the real me…

It is a constant battle every time. It doesn’t matter what the battle is about, but it’s always there. It has been for years. When I look at myself I see a successful woman trying to make the best of the time I have here. I see myself as someone not afraid to take risks or stand up for what I believe in. I am starting to think that being that way is not okay.. I am starting to think that being this way alienates me and puts me on the battle field with ones who are close. I don’t know how to be myself around the people who have known me my whole life. I feel like I don’t belong and I don’t know why. Is it me? Am I the issue?

How do I become a person that they can be proud of? What do I need to do? I am not perfect, far from it. I make mistakes all the time, but I try to learn from them and be better. What if I am not being better? What if I am just going in a circle of decisions that really don’t better me.

I thought moving to California would solve everything. I thought it would bring me peace to be close to my son and in a new environment. I thought this was where I belonged. I am starting to see that all I am doing is running. I am running from myself and my past. I am learning that being in California does not really mean I am close to my son. It means I am a 4 hour drive, that I can’t make. I knew that coming out here, but I think in my mind I thought it would be bring me peace to be closer. All it has done is create frustration that I am so close, yet so far away. I can’t just jump in my car and see him, and I knew that before I moved out here. But that doesn’t make it an easier.

At the end of the day it all steams back from the day I made the decision to go the route I did, adoption. That day my fate was set. I fear I will spend the rest of my life chasing a feeling or a place that doesn’t exists. I see people everyday having major life moments, having babies, getting engaged, buying homes and I feel lost. I feel like those things are not attainable for me. I feel as if I gave up the right to want those things and to let those things happen. I think I run because in my mind I have too. I am supposed to be out living my life, and I am, but at what costs. How do I stop chasing a place and a feeling that doesn’t exist and never will. I will never be the person I was before that day, and I am okay with that. How do I find the peace of mind in finding home, because right now I don’t know where that is or how to find it…

 

 

 

 

 

 

West Coast Ready

There was never a doubt in my mind that I would end up closer to my son, after he was born at least. I remember back when I was searching for his forever family and I wanted them to be as far away as possible. I wanted an open adoption but I didn’t think I could bear being so close to him. As my belly grew bigger and the movements became stronger, my feelings towards this idea started to change. There was one problem, I had already feel in love with a family and they were across the country. I knew this woman had to be his mom. I couldn’t change that and I did not want too. So, my mind was made up, I would find a way back to him.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking. You gave up that right, and I know that, whole heartily I know. It’s not about crossing a line and showing up every day, or every weekend. That’s not what I long for. Would I love that? Of course. Is that fair to his mom? No. I would never want to cross a boundary. I put myself in her shoes all the time and think “if I were her how would I feel about this”. What I really long for is closeness. I long for knowing that if we agree on a visit I can jump in my car and go. If I long for a memory, I can jump in my car and go back to some of the places that I hold memories with him. It is one thing to have them in your mind, the memories are always in my mind, but to be there and smell the air and take myself back.. There are no words to describe that longing I have. 

My life journey brought me to the East Coast last October, even further away. It was something I needed to do for my growth and to really discover who I am and who I want to be. I would never take back my choice to come to Virginia, as my life has been changed for the better because of it. My family out here has inspired me to be the best version of myself, to help others, to work hard and never give up. I can’t put enough value on the way they have changed my outlooks. My Aunt B puts everyone first, is always doing anything she can for her children and works her a$$ off to provide for them. She is one of the toughest women I know. My Uncle T.. There aren’t great enough words to describe him. Always the voice of truth, even when I didn’t want to hear it!! They welcomed me into their family and changed me for the better.  I have made friends and met a great man, who have been so supportive. This time would not have made sense without them. 

BUT all chapters must transition into the next chapter, and of course the people involved in this chapter will carry to the next. 

My transition begins in three weeks. Three weeks and I will be moving to San Jose, CA. I can barley believe it’s true. California has always been a dream of mine, from when I was little but especially after Jesse was born. I am so thankful to have received an offer from my company, memoryBlue, a few months back and now the oppurunity to be apart of the opening crew in their new location in CA. There are no words to describe my gratitude. I have always been under the belief that everything happens for a reason and we are exactly where we are supposed to be. I couldn’t feel more strongly about that today. This phrase does not happen without hard work, dedication and sometimes sacrifice but I believe with a combination of the three, we accomplish our true place in the universe. A little faith never hurt either. 

What does this mean for my open adoption? Honestly, it does not change much. Kim and I have previously spoke about the difference if I moved closer. We have a very open agreement as it is, something I am very thankful for. I’ll still be able to visit between 2-3 times every year. It is my hope that over the years it will evolve to more, given if Jesse wants to see me more and Kim is comfortable with it. For now, it means that when this visits come up, I can do it. I don’t have to worry about outrageous flights, uber rides and so on. It means a five hour drive. There were times this year when money was so tight, soooo tight, it meant sacrificing a trip. I don’t ever want to do that again, I can’t. I can’t let time pass and not be there. It is heart breaking. I already miss so much, and the thought of going so long again without seeing him.. I can’t even bare. 

This move may not change my arrangement but it changes my feelings. It provides comfort for me to be closer. It means I am living out my dreams, following my heart and being the woman my son will be proud of. It means I have the strength and ambition I had always known I had but forgot for a little bit along the way. 

What else magnificent does this move mean? I get to go on this journey with my best friend, my soul sister and my puzzle piece, Brittney. There is no one in the world I would rather experience this with. We’ve always told each other we were going to move mountains and change the world and now we get to do that together! 

You never know what tomorrow is going to bring. There is never certainty in anything. This is why I always take chances. I always follow my heart. When my mind is set, I don’t compromise it. I do whatever I can to achieve that. 

I made a promise to my son in the last few moments I had alone with him after he was born and before I headed to the airport back home. With uncontrollably tears and a gaze into his eyes I did not think could ever be broken, I promised him I would be back. I promised him I would love him unconditionally and always be his mother. I promised I would do everything I could to make sure he knew me and knew where he came from. I promised I would be strong. I promised him I would never take advantage of my ability to graduate college on track and create a life where I could some day provide for his possible birth-siblings. I promised to always love him and to always make that known to him. I also promised I would never come in between his relationship and bond with his mom, Kim. I promised I would always respect her and always love and cherish her. I promised him he would be number 1 and my biggest source of strength and pride. I will do everything in my power to keep every single promise I made him. There is no greater bond then the love of a mother and her child, a bond I will never put second and will never compromise. 

I couldn’t be more excited or proud to start this next chapter with strength, dignity and uncontrollable dedication. 

Ready to Come Clean

Every day I read moving articles, articles that inspire me and others to share our stories and to be better. Every day I wonder why I hide behind an “internship in LA”, “visiting good friends” and “oh, that’s my friend’s baby on my background”. I want to come clean, I want to share my story and I want to help other men and women through this. I want people to know how beautiful adoption is, and how open it can be. My story is unlike any other I have ever heard of. I want it to become the new normal, because when we push down the walls and let go of the fear it creates the most loving and trustworthy environment for a child, in my opinion.

About a month ago I had someone tell me that I was the “worst person ever”, I was “selfish” and so many other terrible unimaginable. This person said these things out loud to me because I placed my son for adoption and I have a relationship with him. He told me I need to leave my son alone. Yes, I know that everyone is initialed to their opinion, the fact that it was my boss, ex boss now, made him not entitled to it, but how can these words come out of someones mouth? For a few weeks I believe him. I became so lost in my life. He made me feel like I had feared people would make me feel if it was out in the open. This man made me question my decision and my reason for waking up every day, to do big things for my son. He pushed me into a dark place, a place I didn’t think I could get out of, a place even if I did get out of I knew it wouldn’t be on my own. I feel so blessed to have the friends and family I do. They knew and they were there. They were there to pull me out of my room when I just wanted to lay in a dark room for days. They were ultimately there when I had to make a decision: continue to live there and not know the fate of my life or get out and start over. Thank god they were there. It took about 3 seconds of convincing me to move to the East Coast from Minneapolis. There was a window in my lease, which never happens, and a friend who wanted to pack up and move across the country for a fresh start. It was perfect. All of the pain I was feeling there went away, talking about it now still tugs a little bit, but everything that man did to me felt so far away. I knew I wasn’t in the same city as him, I knew I wasn’t near anyone who had relations with him, it was over. I could start living again and not in the depressed state I was in.

I think about what this man did to me and it makes me wonder how many other women have gone through the same exact thing, and how many other women had anyone to speak to about it or relate too, whether it came from a boss, friend, family member or stranger on social media. I am positive there are women everywhere going through the same thing. I want to speak to these women. I want to share my story of how I turned my life around and not just from what this man did, but after the adoption. I want to share that open adoption is okay, and there is nothing wrong with wanting to know your child after they are born and as they grow. I also want to tell them that we are in this together, we are not alone. We need to be strong for each other and for our children. I can’t hide behind lies anymore. I can’t see pain and know that I can help someone through it but I am to scared of what someone might say to me. I know I did what was right by my son and at the end of the day, what else matters?

So, time to come clean. But how?….