Tag Archives: smile

MSP 2 LAX

My son turned 1 last week. 1 year old. Where did the time go? I now understand what people say about time flying so fast when you have children. I swear it was as if he was just born, I closed my eyes and now he is 1. And he is the best 1 year old!

I am sitting in an airport right now headed to his birthday party in LA. My last few visits to LA to see him have been short, one day or a few hours, this time it is a three day trip. Three days with my son. Three days to take in every scent, sound and movement. I am so nervous and so excited. Nervous to see him and his family. I don’t want to be a let down to them. I just had to leave me job because of a horrible situation that occurred and now I am going to see them and I have to tell them I already left my fist “grown up” job. I know they will understand the reasoning for leaving it, but it’s frustrating. I do everything I can, everyday, to make them proud and him proud. My days aren’t about me and they haven’t been for almost two years. I don’t wake up in the morning and say what can I do to fulfill myself today, I say what can I do to fulfill my son and his family today. What can I do to make them proud of the woman they know as Hopey. Ah. It’s time to put a show on and act as if my life is going amazing. And maybe it is, maybe everything going on is the best thing for me.

I do not need to have a pity party. I am done doing that right now. Honestly though, most of the people in my life couldn’t tell you the first or last problem going on in my life. Most of them would tell you that I am always happy and nothing ever gets me down, or nothing major is happening. I put on a front because I do not want anyone to see me vulnerable, because what would happen then? Would I let people in and allow them to see that I do have more then just sunshine and rainbows. Now, it is not to say I act unrealistic or naive. I just do not see why I should put my problems on anyone else and weigh down their life. We all know that people are going through things, and who am I to put my stuff on top of that. I do not cry in front of people. I do not scream in front of people. I do not talk about the deep issues I struggle with every day. The most ironic part about this is that this is an anonymous blog. Very few people know about this blog, maybe two people. I won’t even share this with them. I can’t be seen as weak. I can’t be seen as weak because then what would happen? Almost every friend I have ever had has tried to take advantage of me as it is, can you imagine if I showed this vulnerable side? What would happen? I run from confrontation, most of the time, and my friends and family know that. Friends I have had for years think I do not realize they are doing it. Well, I do. But that is besides the point. It is on my mind right now, but that is not the important thing right now.

I need to focus on that beautiful baby boy, the most beautiful boy. It is his weekend! Although, I have a very strong feeling every weekend and every day is always his. He is a lucky little boy to have the world at his feet and the most amazing family to provide it for him. I am grateful to be part of it, even it is only for a weekend a few times a year. Here is to Jesse and the happiness of this weekend and the rest of all of our days!

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Life goes on..

It is has been hard for me to celebrate the good times. I find nothing good enough, to justify my decision to place my son for adoption. But that all has changed recently. I finally stopped down grading my accomplishments after his placement. I am doing major things with my life, and I used to go to bed thinking it wasn’t good enough. I do not know why I was feeling this way. I am sure it was partly because what could ever truly justify making that decision? At the end of the day it is not about me, it is about my son. He deserved more then I could give him now, and now he has that. I always said I would never bring a child into this world if I could not provide the life they deserved, but it happened. I do believe I made the right choice. I know I did. Of course I have my days of doubt, but then I look at his smile and his mom’s smile and I feel at ease. I look at what I am doing with my life right now and I feel relief. I am graduating from college in a month, lobbying a bill and furthering myself EVERY day. My name is known in the TC because of the work I am putting in, in trying to create a law at our state Capitol, there are articles written about me daily. I walk into the Capitol and people know who I am, they say hello to me or dodge me because of their illness towards my bill. I have news channels and radio stations on speed dial, and legislators in my phone. At work, I waitress, people come in and know who I am, and even while I am out and about in the TC. They have seen my face, heard my name or read my name.  I sometimes think to myself “is this real?”. I can’t believe a year ago I was struggling so much, didn’t think there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and now here I am making huge moves in my life. How did this happen? I have always been determined but now I have an extra motivation. I think it is because I want to make my son proud. I want him to know that I didn’t place him so I could party, I wanted to further my life and his life. When I wake up I do not think about going out and getting crazy like most college seniors, I think about what I can do to make an impact on others during my day. I think about the legacy I am going to leave behind, everywhere I go! I am enough, and my actions are enough!! I see that now, and feel more proud every day.

 

Holding my son..

Every day I wake up with the same image in my head. I wake up and remember how it felt to hold my son during my first visit to him after he was born. I see him laughing and looking into my eyes. I see him so peacefully existing. I see myself doing all of the things I had waited months to do. Every second of my time was spent taking in every breath, movement, noise and smile. He smiles more then I have ever seen before; I like to think he gets that from me! >