Tag Archives: son

The big day: Graduation!

So, this week is kind of a big deal in my life and for many reasons. First off, a year ago yesterday I found out I was pregnant on my 5th visit to the doctor in 20 weeks. I ended up getting so sick, almost dead, and went in again. It was unlike anything I could ever describe. I knew something was wrong with me, but I trusted my doctors and they didn’t do the tests, so I didn’t concern myself with it. My mom was also diagnosed with breast cancer the day after I got pregnant and I became one of her primary care takers. I made the two hour drive from school home weekly to help with whatever needed to be done. I was distracted taking care of her and my little brother, I ignored my own health. When I went to the doctor with concerns they thought I was paranoid about my mothers diagnosis. They never did a pregnancy test, even after 4 visits in 20 weeks. I found out I was pregnant on May 7th, at 21 weeks and 3 days. Talk about  a walking TV show. You want to know how I found out… I went in so sick, they thought it was my kidneys right away, gave them my urine and blood, but they didn’t test it for pregnancy, instead they gave me an Xray. The Xray tech saw a skeleton on the image. THEN they tested my urine and confirmed I was pregnant. Seriously, that happened. It was unbelievable and shocking to say the least. I had been sexual active twice that whole year and one of the times was a drunken mistake that I didn’t even know the details of. I woke up the next morning after that drunken night, thinking I had been drugged and very fuzzy about the night. BUT none the less, it happened and there as baby boy growing inside of me. That clinic was the worst visit of my life, and not because I found out I was pregnant but for many other reasons that I will share some day soon. Back to the point, this time last year my life changed forever. I didn’t think I was going to make it through it and NOW here I am. My son is across the country, but I am doing everything I set out to do and more. I know that he will be proud of me some day.

Tomorrow I walk across the stage of my University and graduate from college. I am graduated with a double major and a minor. The day is here. The day I have been waiting for, but now can’t believe it came so quick. This time last year I thought I would become another statistic drop out. I didn’t see graduation in my future. Now, here I am. I was invited to the Board of Regents brunch at my school this afternoon to speak about my political lobbying experience this semester. I spoke in front of the people who make all the decisions for my school, and provide most of the funding. They were telling me how proud they were of me for my accomplishments of writing legislation and it being projected to finally pass next week. That is my life. I went from being so lost and depressed and confused and broken, to a well known name in Minnesota and an “inspiration”, as I am told, to my fellow classmates and professors. I couldn’t help but want to tell them about my journey this past year and what I went through with my son. They don’t know, but I want to tell them it is because of him I am doing what I am doing. I have worked so hard and tried to do everything I possibly could because of him. I want him to know that it wasn’t for nothing. I did it to better both of us. Some day I will come out with my story.. some day I will have the courage to do it. Will it be soon? Probably not. But that is okay. For right now I am going to soak in this joy of accomplishing what I thought was going to be unattainable. It is here. The day is here and I thank my son every day for coming into my life. 

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Busy Days!

Wow. I have been so busy these last few weeks. I was reading over my last post, and what a difference some deep breathes and conversations with loved ones can make. I can’t believe how angry I was at my sons mom. She is such an amazing woman and came in just when I needed her. I will never forget when I stumbled across her ad on Google, looked at her “book” and feel in love. She was everything I could ever want in not just a mom but a person. I am thankful for her every single day. I think anger is gong to come with adoption. Anger comes from hurt for me. I am hurt every day that my son is not with me, but at the same time so happy he is living a life he deserves. I remember flying out to LA to meet her after just a week or so of talking through text and once through Skype. I knew instantly we were brought together by fate. I was only there for the weekend and she wanted to show me what life would be like if I lived there, she wanted me to met the important people in her life. We weren’t going to have time to met the man who would be Jesse’s god-father and she was distraught about it. I remember we were driving under a bridge and I looked at her and said “I will just meet him when I come back”. She grabbed my hand and for the first time in a while I felt happy. It was like both of our prayers and dreams were being answered, and we were doing it for each other. The tragedy I was feeling didn’t have to be a tragedy. It could be something beautiful, a partnership for life. People who know ask me all the time why I picked a single mother, and I always tell them if you met her you would understand. She is amazing and I love her, even through the anger. 

 

My first visit with Jesse..

I wrote this shortly after my 22nd birthday trip to see my son for the first time after he was born.. 

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This weekend I saw my son for the first time since days after he was born. It was a feeling that I can’t put into words. I had waited four and a half months to hold him, to smell him, to hear him. I walked into the door of his home and there he was. It was the moment I dreamed about every night and day dreamed about every day. I did not know how I was going to feel or what I was going to say, and I was speechless. His grandma was feeding him on the couch and I just sat there next to him, looking at him as if he was the King of the world, and in my world he is. His bright eyes looked at me and I looked back at not just him but to his soul. I could feel him over power me. I could feel the depths of his stare in every inch of me. I knew that he knew me and I knew he felt what I was feeling, as if in that moment in time the world stood still and we were the only ones in the world. I embraced every second, as if it was lifetime.

            The months leading up to this moment I felt like I was missing his most important milestones and I was. He was in California and I was life times away in Minnesota. I wanted to be there to hear all the noises he was making and learn what his faces meant. I dreamt about the moment I could hold him through his cries and laugh with him. I dreamt of the in between moments. The moments where he slept peacefully and I listened to him breath or held him and felt his heart beat on mine. For 10 months he felt my heart beat, it was a consistent rhythm that helped him fall asleep, helped him through whatever he was feeling, a comfort for him, and now his heartbeat was doing the same for me. His heartbeat alone is what keeps me alive, it is not mine, it is his. I live for him and I live for those moments where no one else matters but him and I.

            I spent that first night watching and helping with his nightly routine. Feeding, baths, massage, dressing and then sleep. I watched in awe as he so peacefully went through these motions. I watched in awe, as he so perfectly, simply, existed. I watched in awe as he stared at his mom, Kim, with every move she made. He watched her, observed her and I knew in those moments that she has given him so much love and care, and that I would never need to worry about his wellbeing and love. If I had ever had a doubt, although I didn’t, it would have been gone in that moment. I found myself wishing that he would look at me that way. I hoped that I could make him see me as someone who would always love him and always be there. I wanted to make him laugh like she did, and I knew that by the end of my short visit, I would.

            After it was time for Jesse to go to bed, Kim drove me to my hotel. At first, I was so angry with her for thinking it was the best idea for me to stay in a hotel, but I quickly learned it was everything I needed. Although, I wanted to spend every second with my son, I needed those moments alone to debrief and be with my thoughts. My mind was over powered with thoughts of gratitude and relief. I felt gratitude for the life he was living. I was so happy that he was being so loved and taken care of so well. I felt relief with that same thought. Relief that I knew I had picked the right person and the right path. Along with gratitude and relief, I felt sorrow and jealousy. He was so perfect, everything I knew he would be, and I found myself thinking, “Why did I do this”. When I allow myself to think this, it is a downward spiral. Sometimes I can bounce out of it, and sometimes it causes me to spend days in a depressed state. In this moment, it followed with, “Why couldn’t I be more like Kim and ready for this”. I was overwhelmed with jealousy of her. I sat on the floor in my hotel room crying, alone. It was a feeling and setting I was so used to, from these past few months.

            To my surprise, this was one of those times where I was able to bounce out of it. I pulled myself together and said the phrase I have said to myself thousands of times, “You did the right thing. You are following your dreams and Jesse is living the life he deserves with a woman who will put him first and love him unconditionally”. After repeating it out loud a couple of times, I felt myself going back to those feelings of gratitude and relief. I felt myself feeling thankful again, being taken over with positive energy. I like to think that in those moments, Jesse, Kim and my soul are uniting at that exact moment to provide comfort in those moments I need it most. I feel asleep that night, very anxious to wake up and spend the day getting to know my son.

            That next morning, I found myself wide-awake at 6 am. I wanted to get my day started as soon as possible, so I did not miss a second with Jesse. I went outside to embrace the air and embrace the day I was about to have. I waited till around 8:30 to text Kim because she had told me the day before that is when the day for them usually officially starts, if she is lucky to get the few extra hours of sleep after the 5:30 am feeding. I started my walk to Kim and Jesse’s home. I decided in my head that I would spend every moment of that day looking and talking to Jesse, and learning everything I can about him from Him and Kim.

            Finally, I arrived at their home and instantly Kim gave Jesse to me to hold him. This moment was one of those where I felt complete. I embraced him and held him so close, touching his face and taking in his scent. He looked at me with his beautiful, calming eyes, and in that moment I knew I would start every day reliving that moment in my mind.

            I spent that day doing everything from feeding to rolling around on the rug to making faces back and forth and laughing with each other. I pushed him in his stroller, taking him to all my favorite places. Studied him as he moved and smiled. Most of all I took in everything. I didn’t just exist that day, for the first time in a long time; I lived that day. I lived every second and embraced every second as if it would be my last. I laughed louder then I had laughed in months. I smiled brighter then I ever have. He was so beautiful.

I kept thinking all day in awe that I created him. He was part of me. Jesse would make a face and I knew that I had made that exact face before! I thought about how I have always went through life with a smile on my face, and I passed that to him! He will grow up and gain traits from his mom and the people around him but he will always be part me. I feel his soul every day, and we will always be connected, whether I am there to see every face or hear every noise, he feels me and I feel him.

As it came time for me to leave that night, I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t instantly hit that deep dark depression I was preparing for. Before my arrival I thought I would leave feeling worse then I had before, but I did not. I cried but they were tears of gratitude and love. I felt so happy. I felt so honored to be his mother and to be in his life. I felt so grateful to be able to bond and connect with Jesse in ways that are not possible over Skype. This visit justified what Kim has told me from the beginning, I will always be welcome in my son’s life. Adoption is messy. It is complicated. It causes pain and anxiety. People lie, but Kim and I created a situation, in my opinion, which made all the hardship that comes with it be in the shadow of all the good we created. Our adoption was full of love, life and openness, and I live every day to its’ highest potential, knowing that Jesse will always know me, and I will always know him.

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Missing the big days for a better life

I never really thought about what it would be like for me to go through my big events by myself.. Without my son. I never thought about how I would feel without him there to share in those moments with me. A big day is coming up.. My graduation from college. I’ve worked my entire life for this day. Part of the reason my son is
where he is was so I could finish school and he wouldn’t have to struggle with me. The day is almost here… As I was writing out invitations I started to realize that he would most likely not be there. His mom and I are very close but they’re in California and I’m a life time away in Minnesota.. Could I ever really expect them to come and how would I ever tell her I needed them there? We have a very open conversation line but I wouldn’t even know where to start with that one. I sent her an invitation anyways and she regretfully declined… And texted me saying how much they loved me and how proud they all are… I am so grateful for all of that but my heart is broken. My son deserved to live a better life then I could provide him with… But this day will not be the same without him. I don’t know how I will be… I don’t know if I will be able to deal. Knowing my family they will bring it up ALL day, saying they wish he was there and blah blah blah. This is just my graduation.. What about my wedding day, if that ever happens? Is this the beginning of heart broken big days? The beginning of no more pure joy moments… I think what I need to remember and tell myself is that he is living a better life. He is living the life he deserves with a woman who will always put him first… Always!! He will never go without. When I think about that.. Even with a little heart break I feel pure joy.